Undergraduate / "working class America" -what part of this admission essay should I cut out / edit? [4]

Hi xphara, you said you need to cut "about 70 words" - what is the word limit? And is there a character limit we can work with instead? It's easier to cut or change the number of characters than it is to cut the number of words.

Undergraduate / My life changing epiphany, volunteering _ UF Essay [6]

Awesome!! I bet you're gonna do great!

Undergraduate / My life changing epiphany, volunteering _ UF Essay [6]

Hi, Ionut - awesome essay! You hooked me from the beginning.

My comments will mostly be about grammar, as your storytelling is wonderful in itself :)
My suggestions:

"Hands move frantically, grabbing onto any limb they can grasp."
"From under them, ..."
"Finally, a defeated cry is let loose as the battle is lost. Overpowered and outnumbered by the many hands of the humans , this red shouldered hawk does not know their purpose is to help." I suggest this wording because your first sentences go between animal descriptions and human descriptions pretty fluidly - so the "it" following your "Finally, ..." is ambiguous because it doesn't have a specific noun that it's referring to. (It at least confused me.) Then I recommended "their purpose" instead of "they're there" just because it seems clearer that way, in my opinion. I also would change "To it..." in the next sentence to "To this creature" or "To the hawk" or something more descriptive than "it" - "it" just seems juvenile when compared to your story's otherwise colorful wording.

I'm not sure what "hands...that shot up in the air killing its brothers" means - do you mean the hands shot guns up in the air, killing its brothers? As you have it, it sounds more like hands shot up in the air, as if people were reaching for the hawks. I know that sounds picky, but I'm sure you can tell by now I appreciate explicit storytelling - especially when I'm unfamiliar with the scenario being described and sincerely want to understand what is happening. Right now I don't know if guns were used, or maybe crossbows, or what.

"However there is also the certain desire to help, solve, and cure, even when things get dirty." (add a comma after "However" and take out the one after "certain")

I would consider changing this: "I got a glimpse of the real veterinary life" to "I got a glimpse of a different side of veterinary life", or "I got a glimpse of veterinary life in its rawest sense", or something to that effect. Only because saying "I got a glimpse of the real veterinary life" implies that veterinarians who focus more on dogs, cats, horses, and other more domesticated animals, aren't "real" vets - and that could offend people on your school's admission board - which is NOT your goal! haha.

"...but instead encouraged a different desire". "Desire" doesn't seem quite right here, especially because you don't elaborate on that "desire" in the following sentences. Would maybe "...but instead encouraged a different, yet equally important, realization - you win some and you lose some." work for you? Those statements could be directly followed by your "Situations such as the latter only increased my desire to win more."

"I know what I am facing, and I am more than ready; not cerebrally of course though-that's what college is for." I would take "cerebrally" out completely and rephrase what you're trying to say. What, specifically, are you facing? What are you more than ready for? Your essay's first few sentences were so descriptive, and the words so exacting - as the essay continues, it seems to lose that focus.

"By volunteering I realized that much of the harm was inflicted by people." (take out "the" in front of "much")

"hits and runs" (should be "hit-and-runs")
"They acquired a bond with the center that gave them relief and peace of mind" - who acquired the bond, the people? or the animals? or both?

"This is when I realized that this is where I want to be recruited. I want to join the force to preserve our universes euphony. " Again, too many unclear references - "this" is referring to the time you realized where you wanted to go to college. Okay, but right afterward you say "this" again, but now it's referring to something else - I'm assuming it means UF. I'd say "UF" instead of "this", just to keep it all straight and clear. I'm sure the reader would understand, but you want to make it as easy as possible for them to understand you - clarity is so important!

"I want to join the force to preserve our universe' s euphony." You should follow this sentence up with how exactly you plan to do that. What organization(s) does UF offer that will allow you to help preserve wildlife and restore the "euphony" you're describing? What have you noticed from UF's website, or from UF's tours, or from articles you've read about UF, etc, that has led you to believe UF is the right institution for you? ALSO - what do YOU want to do for UF? Do you want to maybe start a wildlife club? Do you want to eventually do wildlife-related research and are intrigued by UF's resources/experience with that area of research? My point is, right now your essay seems like it could be sent to any college - you want to make the admissions team at UF think that UF is your number 1 choice. Even if it's not - you want them to believe it is! Show them that you have done your homework on the university and what it has, SPECIFICALLY, to offer.

"There is a certain pride that came with wearing the Wildlife center beige collared shirt. When someone's eye fell upon it I could not help myself from discreetly beaming. Every helping hand counts and can make a difference. Volunteering with the others at the center I realized the value of working as a team. Even those that couldn't provide physical help found ways to contribute. Mere cognizance of the situation and passing the word helps tremendously. All that is needed is an ambition and desire. A society filled with the desire to learn, and the desire to help, leads to a collaborative and positive atmosphere. I learned the value of teamwork, and the value of simply being aware. Thanks to this experience I've become ambitious and have acquired a thirst to learn more ways to contribute." This paragraph is full of generalities. First, I'm thinking that the "every helping hand counts and can make a difference" is referring specifically to preserving wildlife. But then the "Mere cognizance..." clouded things up again - is "the situation" simply that of humans killing wildlife and destroying habitats? Or is the situation the fact that we need to work together to stop unnecessary destruction? What are we passing the word about? "All that is needed is an ambition and desire." - all that is needed for what? For saving wildlife? For lending a hand? For working together?

Overall, I think this could reeeeally be an awesome, powerful essay. If you can get more specific and clear on what you are trying to say, that would make a BIG difference. Also, I'd suggest focusing on UF more - if I was just reading this essay alone, without the prompt, I would honestly think you're applying to veterinary school, or applying to work at a zoo, or applying to work for another wildlife center - there is no talk of undergraduate study. Try and tie in the volunteering more directly with your undergraduate ambitions, and how you plan to contribute to UF's community. (Good advice is to look back at the prompt every 10 minutes or so that you're writing, to make sure that you're answering the prompt clearly, and not going on a tangent).

Gosh that's long, I hope it helps, and good luck with applying! I graduated from UF (if you mean the University of Florida) last May and my 4 years there were a blast!

Graduate / I want to become a Physician Assistant to provide excellent healthcare for my patients [5]

I think Kevin brings up a point that will almost definitely be brought up in interviews: "If you are a physician now and have been for years, why are you now choosing to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant?" I'm sure it's been done, but I think it'd be helpful to know good answers to that question. (Which I'm sure you have them, being as you're the one doing it, haha)

I also agree with Phoebe in that you should refer back to the thesis statement every 10 minutes or so as you're writing to make sure you're staying on track and answering the question they want you to answer. I love the story of Tom and think it could definitely be useful in your essay, but tie it in with your reasons of changing careers... do you think you'd have a better schedule and therefore be more available to your patients (like Tom)? Do you hope to work in inner-cities or rural areas (what many PA schools hope their graduates will do because there is so much need in inner-cities and rural areas)? What about being a PA will help you be a better health care professional than you can be as a physician? <-- may be a great question to have ready answers for.

Perhaps in your last sentence, you meant to say "...this opportunity to PURSUE my dream goal..." instead of "present". I like how you thanked them :) Shows gratitude and humility. Keep it up and good luck with everything.

Graduate / I have always dreamed of having a job where I could care for and help others [11]

thanks, and thanks for all of your time that you put in with helping everyone! The essays I've looked at have all had great and helpful comments from you :) Glad I could be of help too. Also, I saw above that you asked if PAs are allowed to diagnose - they are. They can diagnose, prescribe medications, take medical history, etc. For very complicated cases, a doctor may need to sign off on their diagnosis/prescriptions, but overall their autonomy is pretty nice. A "nurse practictioner" (NP) is a similar profession and in some states NPs can prescribe a broader range of drugs than a PA can (narcotics, for instance). :)

Graduate / I have always dreamed of having a job where I could care for and help others [11]

Hi, I'm not sure if I'm too late in responding to this, but one thing I noticed is your use of "physician's assistant". The admissions adviser I'm in constant contact with told me and some friends that he personally hates it when people say that, as the official title is "Physician Assistant", not "Physician's Assistant". I know it sounds trivial, but it may be a real factor to whoever ends up reading your essay. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Judy's strong rapport with patients ; Physician Assistant Personal Statement [3]

I thought you were talking about seals too, as in animals, until I realized that Judy drew him a diagram and prescribed him medication and explained to him this and that - are you meaning that the patient was a Navy Seal? If that is the case, I'd suggest clarifying that :)

- after reading a 3rd time -

oh wait... the graduate student was the one with the infection...

Then yes, apparently the part about Antarctica IS the part that's confusing! I was thinking that at the end, there'd be a reference to Antarctica again, but there wasn't. In my opinion, Antarctica/seals/graduate student dialogue is too distracting and I agree with Kevin that it may be best to just take it out completely. Good luck with your applications!