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"working class America" -what part of this admission essay should I cut out / edit?


xphara 1 / 5  
Oct 2, 2010   #1
I need to cut about 70 words but I'm really stuck. Where do you feel I get off topic or provide unnecessary detail? And if you see anything grammatical or just plain stupid, please be critical, this is the college of my choice so i want the essay to be good. Thanks :)

Question:describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

answer: Like most of working class America, I find my job incredibly frustrating. I don't enjoy the constant ridicule of unhappy customers, nor do I particularly appreciate the demand of conforming to corporate standards. Waitressing is physically demanding, mentally exhausting, and very messy. However the experience has been incredible in that I have grown as a person. The diversity I have encountered, as well as the skills I have acquired have prepared me to become a member of a college community as cosmopolitan as that of the University of Florida.

I've never considered myself much of a people person, but when it came down to being employed I took what I could get. I was literally thrown into the dining room, filled with nearly every kind of human being and forced to interact and make "friendly conversation." However not all customers are friendly and some are down right mean. But there's nothing you can do but learn to deal with it. I found myself becoming less and less timid and more and more curious about individuals, their customs, and their beliefs. Long gone are the days of being timid around new people; the acceptance I have gained is something that I will be able to take from the work force to a college filled with dozens of different nationalities, religions, and opinions.

At work I genuinely do "learn something everyday." I turn dozens of tables every night, and yet somehow, there is always that one war veteran who mentions all the beer he drank to survive 'Nam, or the middle eastern woman who explains to me politics from an Afghan's point of view. These individuals make me rethink everything I once thought I understood. Diversity lies everywhere within this world. There is no escaping it; we must learn to not only accept it, but to appreciate it. Only through the ideas of others may we grow as individuals.

Teamwork is absolutely essential in a restaurant here the customers cannot differentiate between the different servers. Even the dishwashers are trivial when the night gets busy. Without any one of our fifty or so employees at any given time, we could not function. Through this sense of responsibility and dependability I have gained an increased role of leadership and hard work, which I know that I would be able to contribute, once a member of the UF community.

Balancing work and school has been no easy task. After getting off work at 11 pm, I would frequently go home only to study until no coffee or energy shots could keep my forehead off of the kitchen table. But I made a promise to myself that having a job would not effect my grades. It was incredibly stressful but I did it. My grades remained unchanged, I held my job, I went to school, and I passed all of my AP exams. After accomplishing that, I feel confident that I could balance and conquer just about anything.

Within the UF community I expect to encounter an entirely new diverse group of individuals. Yet I will have already endured the initial shell shock that comes with the territory and I will be eager to find out what I can learn from these individuals. Academically I will be challenged in new and increasingly complex ways, however the skills of dedication and responsibility that I have gained from working in the real work will allow me to be a more active and informed citizen within UF's campus community.
cjohnson0620 1 / 7  
Oct 2, 2010   #2
Hi xphara, you said you need to cut "about 70 words" - what is the word limit? And is there a character limit we can work with instead? It's easier to cut or change the number of characters than it is to cut the number of words.
OP xphara 1 / 5  
Oct 2, 2010   #3
They only say that it needs to be less than 500 words. However right now i'm at right about 570-580. Any help at all would be really appreciated!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 6, 2010   #4
You can make the writing better with fewer modifiers:
I don't enjoy the ridicule of customers, nor do I appreciate the demand of conforming to corporate standards.
Keep some modifiers, but look at places where you can actually make the sentence better by taking them out.

downright can be one word.

Capitalize Middle Eastern

Here is another place to kill a modifier:
Teamwork is absolutely essential in a restaurant here where the customers cannot differentiate ...

Less is more:
After getting off work at 11 pm, I would frequently go home only to study until no coffee or energy shots could keep my forehead off of the kitchen table.


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