Posts by niina

niina

Oct 17, 2010

Undergraduate / How moving to the US changed me - CU Boulder Essay [4]

Thanks. I think I'm sticking with this topic, I just gotta fix it up a bit, and make it clearer what it is that makes me diverse..:)

niina

Oct 14, 2010

Undergraduate / "I think about my upcoming life" - Overcoming a challenge, application essay for WPI [4]

I sort of feel like this essay is a little too negative.. If I had been the admissions officer, this essay might have made me question if you were going to be totally uncomfortable, shy and struggling through your freshman year in college too. In the first paragraph, you make changing schools sound very dramatic, but I think you could change that easily enough. For instance; "My final days in middle school were the hardest in my life" sounds way too dramatic when you're talking about something everyone has to go through.

You can probably still make the theme work, but I think you should focus more on what you learned from changing schools, and how you're going to use that knowledge to keep you from struggling when you go on to college. That way the reader is left with an impression of a student who knows his mistakes and how to fix them, instead of an insecure person who doesn't really sound too optimistic about college..:)

niina

Oct 14, 2010

Undergraduate / How moving to the US changed me - CU Boulder Essay [4]

Essay A - Max 500 Words
The University of Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 strategic plan promotes exceptional teaching, research, scholarship, creative works, and service distinguishing us as a premier university. We strive to foster a diverse and inclusive community for all that engages each member in opportunities for academic excellence, leadership, and a deeper understanding of the world in which we live. Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

I've put some parts in red, that I just feel sound .. wrong.. so I would love some help on those, but mostly I just wanna know if this essay answers the questions asked in the essay prompt.

"Why are you dressed as a schoolgirl?", my best friend Tania asked as we met on a windy day late in April. "I'm not just a schoolgirl", I replied, "I'm a Ravenclaw".

The poor Paraguayan girl just looked confused, so I explained that today was the International Harry Potter Day, and that I was dressed as a student from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She smiled, shook her head and gave me one of those looks that said "You may be a little crazy, but you're still my friend", and we started walking down Pearl Street toward our dinner destination. It was a busy Friday night, and so my Norwegian nature made me brace myself for funny looks and people pointing, yet nobody even looked at me twice. I have loved Boulder since the day I moved here, but this moment showed me just how perfect this city is for me.

Last year one of my friends back in Norway invited me to a party on October 30th, and so, assuming that this would be a Halloween party, I showed up wearing the same Ravenclaw costume. As I entered the room, I only had a second to see that no one else was dressed up, before I started getting awkward looks from everyone there. My friend and hostess for the evening came up to me and offered me to borrow some jeans and a t-shirt, but even if my cheeks were burning with embarrassment, I declined her offer. I later started thinking about how narrow-minded most of the people I know back home are. Apparently, if you've lived your whole life on an island so small that the deer outnumbers the humans, you're not allowed to be different. (Not sure what's bothering me so much about this part, but I'd love some advice on how to make it sound better.)

Then I moved to Boulder, and everything changed. I was on my own. I could do exactly what I wanted. If I wanted to spend a whole day in the park reading Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, there was no one to tell me that I should lay on a couch watching comedies instead. If I wanted to go to the library to study for my ESL-classes, there was no one to laugh and call me a nerd. I discovered a whole new freedom that I had never known before, and through this newfound freedom, I am finally getting to know myself. (I feel like this sounds a little too .. ugh, I don't even know..)

If I get in to University of Colorado at Boulder, I want to continue discovering what is truly me. I hope that by getting involved in the student community in general, and student groups such as CU International and CU Hiking Club in particular, I can get to know both international and American students with interests similar to mine. (I want to say something here about what I wanna get out of the actual studies too.) And hopefully, by the time I have completed my four years at CU, I will have developed both as a person and as a student, and be ready for what ever comes next.

niina

Oct 6, 2010

Undergraduate / Hard Crust; Soft Center; My Loaf of Paradigm, Speaking with my own voice? Creative? [4]

I would agree with your mom; This essay doesn't really tell the reader anything about YOU. It's a good story, but I think you would be better off writing something more personal. When the prompt specifically tells you some stuff to talk about in your essay, I think you should try to include at least some of it.

If you post your American Dream essay, I'd love to read it:)

niina

Sep 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Describe yourself working in your favorite class admission essay. [3]

The first and most important thing is to find out what your favorite class is. You can't really write about how you would work in this class unless you know what class it is. Without thinking about it as an essay, write down how you like working in this class (alone, in a group? reading/researching or listening to a lecture?). Once you have all of this down, you might be able to get some help here, but nobody can tell you how to write about your favorite class unless you give us some more info..:)

niina

Aug 7, 2010

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

I am really impressed by how effortlessly you are using a vocabulary that would sound strained coming from a lot of people!:)

niina

Aug 5, 2010

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

Thanks freezard7734, you got me under 250! :D

My current draft is now this:

If I had written this essay four years ago, when I was 19 years old and fresh out of high school, I would have told you how my English teacher encouraged me to study in the US; how my two best friends tried to convince me to attend nursing school with them; how my mom crossed her fingers for me to pick a college close to home. At the time, none of those options appealed to me. Since I did not know what I wanted to study, my grandpa advised me to get some experience from different jobs before making a choice. Should I write grandpa or grandfather? Can I switch out "experience from different jobs" with "experience working", and should it be "making a choice" or "making my choice"?

Three years after my graduation, I had worked with everything from child care to waiting tables to directory assistance. I still had no definitive life agenda, I just knew that I wanted to explore something new. I remembered my English teacher's advice, but instead of applying to a college in the US, I moved to Colorado as an au pair, to experience the American culture before deciding to study here.

My two years at the directory assistance service taught me how to communicate with different people in different situations, and I would like to major in Communications at CU to gain more knowledge about (of?) a field I wish to continue working with (in?) . Even if it has taken me four years to get here, I finally know what I want to study, and I have my grandpa to thank for that.

Can I write CU, or should I use the full name "University of Colorado at Boulder"? And how can I improve my last sentence, I feel like it's a little clumsy this way.

niina

Aug 5, 2010

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

New draft: I've tried adding in more of a conclusion at the end, and also a better transition to explain why I wanted to move to the US. I feel like I'm answering the topic in a better way now, since I'm actually telling more of what my educational goals are. The essay is now 290 words, and I need to get it down to 250, so any help on improving the two parts in Italic would be appreciated. (I know those parts sound shitty right now, but do the contents of them improve the overall feel of the essay? Does it sound like I'm coming to a natural conclusion at the end?) 7

Also, does anyone know if the admission officers expect as much from an essay written by an international student as from American students? (Especially when it comes to grammar and language?)

niina

Aug 4, 2010

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

But how do I do that in 250 words? I think it's at 247 now, so if I add something I have to take out something else.

This is also just one of two essays, and I am making the other one more about who I am, so I'm hoping they will be stronger together than as two separate essays.

niina

Aug 3, 2010

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

"Briefly discuss how your family, school, neighborhood, and background have impacted your educational goals and aspirations." 250 word limit - one of two application essays for University of Colorado in Boulder.

The phrases in quotation marks are phrases I'm unsure of, and would like suggestions on. (Of course I'd love suggestions on anything else that needs improvement too.)

I am also not sure if my essays answers the topic well enough, so if any advice on that would be greatly appreciated.

If I had written this essay four years ago, when I was 19 years old and fresh out of high school, I would have told you how my English teacher encouraged me to study in the US; how my two best friends "tried convincing me to attend" nursing school with them; how my mom crossed her fingers for me to pick a college close to home.

At the time, none of those options appealed to ...