Hi, this is the UF application prompt for this year:
Write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
I wrote about my American Dream that came from my mom on my first copy, but my English teacher says I should write it like a narrtive through my own voice, instead of a formal expository (she said to show, not tell). And the American Dream is kind of a cliche.
So we came up with this idea: If I can metaphor my my mom as any object in the world, what would it be?
"French bread" was my answer. Then my teacher said I could then start from there and use characteristics about french bread and metaphors them on my mom-while using my own voice (creativity?), telling the relationship between my mom and I, and showing my personalities.
This is my new copy:
Hard Crust; Soft Center; My Loaf of Paradigm.
Ching-Fang Chang
Birds chirping, sunlight gleaming; it's a halcyon Saturday morning. I open my drowsy eyes and look at my Hello-Kitty watch. Nine thirty. Feeling pleased, I adjust myself to a perfect position. Sleep-in on a leisurely morning is such a luxury...
I'm sitting in a dining room. Whoa. Every object is sort of a blur, but still recognizable and quite familiar. A girl, about sixteen, is measuring...
My mom read it and thinks it didn't point out any things in the prompt.
I thought this way, too (I did ask my teacher if it was appropriate to write a "story" before I wrote it, she said it's appropriate)
But as I read over and over again, I REALLY don't feel it has target anything in the promt.
Can you give me some advise?
(I can post the first copy of my American Dream if you need, because now I'm thinking to combine the two together.)
Thank you very much.
I would agree with your mom; This essay doesn't really tell the reader anything about YOU. It's a good story, but I think you would be better off writing something more personal. When the prompt specifically tells you some stuff to talk about in your essay, I think you should try to include at least some of it.
If you post your American Dream essay, I'd love to read it:)
First, thank you very much for reading!
Really? Because my mom said it does show the relationship and my personalities from that story; but doesn't really target the things that the prompt want.
This is the first copy:
The American Dream
Ching-Fang Chang
From "All men are created equal..., that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." of the Declaration of Independence to "a better, richer, and happier life" said by James Adams today, American Dream is a dream that everyone living in America has been fighting for in their whole life to achieve. But what is American Dream? I believe each person has their very own definition. He might say owning a big mansion is his American dream; she might say by just living in America is her American Dream! To me and my mother, getting a good education is our American Dream. My mother had accomplished hers, and now I'm on my way fighting hard, too.
My mother didn't quite finished college when she was young because of financial problems. She got in a world-trade company after studying business major, and had work there for ten years ever since. At the age of thirty- five, she decided to come to America to finish college. My brother and I were twelve and nine respectively when we arrived. It was the first time we set our feet on America.
Life wasn't easy for us in the beginning. Despite of the language and the environment, there were other unfamiliar things that we had to adapt ourselves into. My mother attended a community college and obtained numerous scholarships. However, money was still a big problem. Mother had to go to classes by day and work by night. Yet every time it was already late after work, she- exhausted- would stay up and do her papers and study. With the little paycheck from working as a waitress, raising two children was a difficult task. But even so, Mother was striving without any complaint. Sometimes we bought stuff in second-handed stores. It was actually amusing because we often end up digging out "treasures" home! Even though life was harsh, we still had our own little happiness. Most of all, I saw persistence in my mother as she got a step closer each day to her dream.
Two years later, Mother graduated. She was able to wear the cap and gown at last. The moment when Mother walked on stage, holding the diploma in her hands, she was shining like a star. We were all so proud of her. Then we went back to Taiwan and Mother found a job that was almost twice the salary than the one before. Her effort finally paid off. The paragon my mother had set rigorously pointed out the big difference between getting education in our own country and in America. Hence I start pondering about my dream.
After my sophomore year in Taiwan, I decided it was my turn to capture my American Dream. Unlike elementary, high school was way tougher for me to adjust, especially starting as a junior. Nevertheless, whenever I get homesick or feel frustrated, I would think about how Mother made her way through the tunnel, the different life I could have the luxury to have in the future, and the support I got back home. Seeing that if I give up now and regret the decision I had made, I will end up losing myself in the tunnel. Thus, I made a commitment to finish college here to achieve my American Dream, and for my family and friends who are half way across the world, to see me shine like my mother, like a star.
On whatever paths that one chooses to achieve their dream, sacrifices and obstacles are inevitable. The real secret is how one overcomes those obstacles and makes the dream worth sacrifice. There is a relative cost for every choice we make. For our dreams, Mother and I were willing to endure the cost of leaving home, friends, and even family. In addition, we have to be responsible for every decision that we make in life because we own every choice. Therefore, we should never give up on ourselves. Along with patience, hard work, and persistence, I certainly believe dreams are not out of reach. Sometimes one may lose themselves or fall down on the way, but just remember the primary goal that was set. Climb back up, tap some dusts off, and keep going. One day, dreams will come true.
I discuss with my english teacher today, and she really like this copy better than the American Dream one. She said instead of telling directly about what my mom had an big impact on me and not saying a lot about myself(like the American Dream copy), I should be showing my true self from the heart, and both my mom and my teacher did feel that from the French bread copy .(hoestly, I do too.)
The French bread is much vague;
The American Dream is too test-formal like.
I have some ideas on HOW I should combine these two..but still feel not so confident on putting more of the french bread copy.
I would love to have as many advice, suggestions, ANYTHIG, as possible.
Lots of thanks to whoever read them.
Then we went back to Taiwan and Mother found a job that was almost twice the salary than the one before of her previous job. Her effort had finally paid off.
On whatever paths that one chooses to achieve their dream, sacrifices and obstacles are inevitable. The real secret is how... -------- okay, here is the problem. Here in this paragraph, you are being very philosophical but what you should be doing is looking to the future and talking about your intentions as they are affected by the experience of watching your mother's perseverance. Know what I mean? Let them see how it affects your ideas about one or more of these: responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
