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Posts by Ambermutt
Joined: Aug 5, 2010
Last Post: Aug 5, 2010
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From: Costa Rica

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Ambermutt   
Aug 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "That someone was me"; The American Dream [8]

Normal text is an excerpt from your essay. Italics are my comments. Strike-throughs are your mistakes, red are my corrections.

Who would have ever thought that a small town girl like me, would ever step foot in America.This is a question, and therefore deserves a question mark. The comma is unnecessary.

It was not a very comforting thought and they became more restless when they found out how bad the Minnesota winter has been for the past month. I was the only one who was calm in my house, which is ironic because I was the one who would be braving the cold Minnesotan winterit. . Repeating Minnesota winter like that sounds awkward. Try not to repeat phrases too close together.

the images of were just playing in my mind like a silent movie. The images of what? I think you missed a word there.

It was perhaps the most complicating day of my life complicated

Little did I know how true it would be? Not a question, take out the question mark.

I learned a lot in that two days those , days are plural.

The first thing that came across my mind was the town had a queer name You might want to use strange or odd , queer has connotations you don't want right here.

my friends from Malaysia, as they all left for the different states comma unnecesary

anticipating aboutyou anticipate an action, maybe you were wondering about, or thinking about, curious about...

what would they think of me This is a question. Make it "and what they would think of me" and now it's a statement.

and said hi and gave me hugs Put "Hi" in quotes or say "greeted me", what you have here looks like dialogue, without the proper punctuation. It looks a bit sloppy.

moving in a fast pace things move at a fast pace

I have almost nothing to say had , past tense

girl in class Sure missed a period

that is about it was , should also be past tense

often time get to the gym oftentimes is one word and plural. It's also redundant, you'd do just as well saying often

afraid of being made fun of You shouldn't end sentences with prepositions, but it's not a big deal, you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

But being 15 miles away from my American high school You shouldn't start sentences with but , it's a conjunction and used to connect two opposing ideas. You can just take it out and the meaning stays the same.

They thought me everything No, they taught you everything.

and they never stopped giving up on me You mean they never gave up on you. "Never stopped giving up" means they always did, which is the opposite of what you mean. Careful with double negatives.

"Malaysian Murderer" That is a really cool nickname

This is a good and touching essay. You manage to get the feeling of apprehension, courage, and finally pride across very well. You just have to be a bit more careful with your grammar.
Ambermutt   
Aug 5, 2010
Writing Feedback / Are people held back by doing things in the conventional way? SAT essay. Advice. [4]

Prompt: I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.
G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Are people held back by their adherence to the beliefs of the majority or doing things in the conventional way?

[AN: original misspellings, grammar errors, and punctuation mistakes included on purpose]

Often people attach far too much meaning to other's comments. Naturally, it is a good idea to ask for advice from more experienced friends or mentors, but it's not necessary to follow it to the letter.

A part of learning comes from treating foreign experiences as though they were our own, and gaining from them accordingly. There isn't enough time to make all the mistakes ourselves, nor is there enough time to prove everything, either. It's enough to know that the stove is hot without having to touch it. Why bother working something out ourselves when someone already has the solution?

The computer industry is an excellent example. My laptop does things that could have been done 10 years ago; it also does them faster, cheaper, and with considerably better graphics. Of course, software engineers 10 years ago could have said "Ok, it works, lets do something else", but instead tried different approaches to better their products. Their next big step is the quantum computer, and there is no way to make it following any sort of conventional approach.

On the subject of ignoring advice, most (if not all) great inventions were originally scorned. The Wright brothers' heavier than air flying machine was viewed as a bit of a joke, an unpromising, if entertaining stunt. A general once pointed out that the airplanes were too untrustworthy and would never have any military applications. Coming from such an important figure, that should have been the end of military flight right there. Now, some of the most expensive pieces of military equipment are aircraft, or related to flight.

On a more personal note, not all people are the same, most can't even be said to be vaguely similar. There are different attitudes, aptitudes and approaches that are valid when it comes to solving any single problem. There's no point in following the beaten path when it doesn't lead to your destination. In fact, it's perfectly plausible that the reason something isn't coming out quite right is [underlined]because[/underlined] you're doing what everyone else has tried before. If you seem to be going nowhere, along with everyone else, step back, look around you, and steer clear of the tried-and-failed attempts. As the Cheshire Cat said: if you don't know where you're going, any route will take you.

AN: that was a practice essay I wrote in 25 minutes on that subject, in cursive. Should the actual essay be in cursive/printed or doesn't matter? For what it's worth, I write faster in cursive.
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