Undergraduate / "A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay [8]

This is just the first draft of my transfer essay.. I would really love any Ideas or thoughts!

thank you :)
the instructions were:
"Why do you want to transfer and what objectives do you hope to achieve?"

After completing one year of studying at the University of Brighton In the United Kingdom studying Business Management with Finance, I have decided that I would like to transfer to Boston. There are two main reason why I would like to do this. The main and most important reason is that I would like an academic upgrade, the less important reason but still a factor is the social situation in Brighton.

During my high school career I did not...

edit:

Midnight Hour
Johannesburg, South Africa

It happened on a random sunday night, at around 9:30pm . We were heading home after having spent a perfectly care- free sunday at a friends farm; swimming and tanning. I was sat in the back seat of the car, while my brother was in the passenger seat and my mom was drove. We sped past the dark, inter-twinning back roads that led to our house. We parked next to our gate and did the usual security check before entering the house; check for weird looking cars behind us. we noticed a car that had parked behind us and before I could put my thoughts together a man jumped out of the car and ran towards us with a gun. My mom quickly ducked her head underneath the steeling wheel and drove quickly out of our 'secure' road. As she was doing so, the man shot at us, honestly I felt my life flash before my eyes. Thankfully the bullet missed, but this had been our second incident in five years. I could not sleep that night, I had all these questions running through my head. What if they had actually shot someone? or what if they had managed to stop us, what would they have done to us?

This eye-awakening night led me to think about my future. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to be, and where I would be in the future. Being a victim of life, like this hijacker, was out of the question because I knew that life is what you put into it. I grew up in a very business orientated family, specifically in the field of finance. This obviously led to my interest in finance. I envisioned myself at a firm that I love and feel passionate about, working my way up the leadership and responsibility rank. One thing that I had wished for after that night was that I graduate with a first class degree from a university that fits me perfectly. I wish to be apart and experience the best possible academic setting. I have lived all over the world hence I accept and try understand different cultures. I can speak arabic and english fluently. I believe these characteristics could bring just a tiny hint more of diversity to the universities of my choice.

I love to be challenged, I believe challenges allow for a more stimulated mind. You can learn so much just by being challenged. You broaden your horizons to new information, new possibilities but most importantly you learn so much more about yourself; your boundaries and capabilities, just to name a few.

The world is a very competitive place, this is why a degree is vital in order to succeed. I am currently a finance major in the United Kingdom. However after reviewing the finance course that are on offer in Boston, I realize that my current course is not as detailed and in depth as I would like it to be. Boston offers a range of tempting course that I am so eager to tackle. I am so thankful to be apart of my current institute, but in order for me to fulfill my long term goal, I feel a transfer is necessary.

I would love nothing more than to be apart of a university in Boston. To be proud of my graduating school, as well as to make the university proud of me. Most importantly to be apart of a student body, considered as the leaders of tomorrow.