Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by ShadoPoig
Joined: Sep 2, 2010
Last Post: Jan 3, 2011
Threads: 11
Posts: 36  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 47 / page 2 of 2
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ShadoPoig   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "to further develop my interest in Chemical Engineering" - Why Northwestern? [2]

Hey, Rob! Thanks for your quick reply on my essay. Here's what I have to say about yours:

"who also dreams of attending, one day "
"glanced off of me" < I've never heard that phrase o_O It threw me off. Do you want to use something else?

The rest of the essay is very fluid in my mind :)

At the same time, you should try to be more specific. To be honest, this could be written again, with every mention of NU and McCormick replaced with another college (I'm pretty sure a lot of colleges offer a minor, certificate, or double major with Chem and Biochem Engineering). Talk about specific programs! Professors! Classes! It'll make this much better.

Good job so far, though. And good luck from a fellow NU McCormick applicant ;)
ShadoPoig   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "Columbia is somewhere I'd be proud to go to school" - Short Answer [2]

Wow, thanks for your quick response to my essay lol. Here's what I have to say about yours:

First off, it's well written. I don't see any spelling or grammar mistakes. Except, you should have a comma here: "Despite increasing globalization and change, New York is still the center of the world" (speaking of which, do you want to state that it's the center of the world so matter-of-factly? Why don't you expand by saying that the opportunities you'd find through Columbia's internship program are the best you'd find anywhere?)

I like your informal tone of voice, though it can be a bit detrimental at some points in your essay. Right off the bat, the "Let's start off" might seem unprofessional for one of the best universities in the nation. You can talk like that in an interview, but when you have 1500 characters to get you into college, you don't want to waste letters with a phrase that doesn't do much.

I can't think of a better place to start out my life on my own.

Also "As for the school itself," makes the the first paragraph of your essay (applying to Columbia) seem like you're applying to New York City and stating Columbia as an advantage of living in the Big Apple. Check your phrasing on that. I'll also let you know, since I live in NYC and hear from Columbia a lot, that location is the most common theme found in Columbia applications. We only have about a week left (!!!) but see if you want to write about something more unique, if you can think of something.

"To be picked as one of the select few who get to interact with Columbia's celebrated staff and elite students would be a privilege. I'd be a reminder of my own potential and reason to continue to do my best at everything I do, and become the person I want to be." ends the essay well from a writing standpoint, but makes it seem like Columbia is best for its ivy status.

Consider a supermodel at a party. She knows every guy within a 50 foot radius of her will want to ask her to dinner because of her looks, but she doesn't want to be TOLD that. She'll flaunt it and put makeup on for an hour before the party, but (for some odd reason, like colleges) wants her guy to like her for her personality. Think that way for the ivies, also. They flaunt it, they boast it and sneak it into sentences, but they want applicants to love them for everything else. If Columbia was a state college with the same offerings it has academics-wise and social-life-wise, would you still go there? Write like that.

Otherwise, it seems well structured and well written :)
ShadoPoig   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "all of the dimensions of the university" - Columbia Supplement [5]

Hey man! Here's what I have to say:

I think the first two lines are a bit generic though; they could be said about any college and the prestigious Columbia University probably already knows that all of its dimensions are quite appealing. Start off general but not that general.

Also "it is imperative to me to apply to a university" seems like you're a computer application that's been programmed to do this. Change that up.

"Columbia has statistics to prove their commitment." This is another sentence which just sounds really...impersonal. You don't want to tell a college that you like its stats. Sure, the college boasts its numbers, but this sentence evokes a bad feeling. You know what I mean? Like you read it from their information handout and decided "yeah I'll talk about this in my essay".

The grammar is fine but you want to look out for any places where you make the school an object, like a playing card, even, that you have this compelling need to collect.
ShadoPoig   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Lost in Musical Translation-CommonApp Essay on Risk and Experience [8]

Thanks, Kevin!
In response to your suggestion, I was thinking of adding a sentence at the end of my second paragraph. Maybe something like "Even with my eyes closed, I would experience the same emotions as when I'd read a book or watch a movie".

Or "My eyes would close while playing; the song itself could inject in me the same emotions as a movie or book."

Just some thoughts. I'll keep playing around and see what works! :D
ShadoPoig   
Dec 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Lost in Musical Translation-CommonApp Essay on Risk and Experience [8]

Hey! Thanks for stopping by here. This is my essay in response to the CommonApp prompt on a significant risk I have taken, or experience I've had.

Don't hesitate to be harsh in critiquing it! I'd also greatly appreciate if you could write a brief takeaway from this; if you had to describe what you learned of me to someone, how would you do it in a sentence or two?

Thanks a lot in advance!

Lost in Musical Translation(831 words)

At the time, I just wanted to see Drew Barrymore. She and the music producers of the movie "Music and Lyrics" were visiting New York City public schools to observe and sponsor music classes. My class-divided into pairs of a keyboardist and vocalist each-had practiced playing the movie's theme, "Way Back Into Love," for weeks, in anticipation of the event.

On the big day, I was disappointed to discover that Drew Barrymore was not in attendance. Even worse, neither was my vocalist partner. I considered just playing the piano part of the song. After hearing the same keys and singing styles during the other performances, though, I feared that a solo piano piece would just prolong the monotony. For years as an avid keyboardist, I had been substituting other instruments for the vocal parts of pieces I practiced, by recording background music and playing over it. The sounds and beats I combined made me a one-man-band, and my improvisations made each sit-down a unique venture.

Prior to the performance, I had not really imagined that these musings would escape my bedroom walls to be exposed to the world; I had played for visiting relatives once when the instruments clashed, the tempo was thrown off, and the song was ruined. Ashamed at that debacle, I consequently kept my songs to myself.

Now, however, I was faced with a choice between playing yet another mundane piano piece or doing something vastly different at the risk of messing up in front of the music producers and being ridiculed by my classmates. As the act before mine wrapped up, I glimpsed an audio director suppress a yawn. In an effort to hide it, he flashed a smile reminiscent of the one a mother gives to a toddler who's shown her his hundredth drawing of a house. For my audience and myself, I made my decision.

I poked around on the keyboard's settings to create background music, a violin chord progression for my left hand, and a mellow but distinct electric piano melody for my right. I'm not supposed to be doing this, I thought to myself. This hasn't been rehearsed. But I'd already begun.

I opened with a poignant piano solo, reflecting the solitude of Hugh Grant's character in the movie. Analogous to the movie's characters, the piano and strings welcomed each other's comfort and company. While practicing with beats and backing tracks at home, I believed that I was translating the movie into the language of music, a language that everyone can comprehend. How can I help the blind man understand the movie as well as anyone else? When I reached the first chorus, a duet of the film's lovers, I reflected their budding chemistry by summoning the heartbeat of the drums and the soul of the guitars. With each measure, I deviated further and further from what was intended for this small performance, like a child who knew no restraint. I felt a sense of overexerted power, the power to create anything I wanted to. Yet, I simultaneously felt powerless, as the song pulsated through the speakers of the keyboard and my fingers went on autopilot.

I became enraptured in my song. I forgot that an audience was listening. I felt a freedom of innovation, no longer confined to the precise staccatos of Bach or the formulaic crescendos of Beethoven that I usually played in school and for my piano teacher. After several minutes, I experienced the satisfying exhaustion of a free hound after bounding as he pleases on an open field. My senses regained focus on my surrounding. As the song ended with a closing drum phrase, I saw the quasi-bewildered faces of my classmates and the music producers. What have I done? I started fearing the worst. I've gone too far. I should've stuck with the script.

But my thoughts were cut off by cheers.

Afterward, the chief music editor pulled me aside, wanting to interview me for his radio show. He put what I felt into words, saying that I played for the audience by evoking energy and being different. My friends described my song as "awesome," while other classmates scoffed at it, saying that it mocked classical music. To me, the best review of all was, "I wish it lasted longer." I did, too.

For the first time as a musician, I had performed and been lauded for a piece I had redefined, having taken the liberty to convey my reinterpretation in the way I wished. Even today, whether I am playing at a birthday party, fashion show, or recording with a record-label reggae artist, I try to grow by learning and innovating, based on my own feel for the songs and the audience's response. Unlike my classical piano concerts, these venues offer me something different from the opportunity to simply reprise Mozart's immortal music. In these other performances, I create my own songs. Maybe one day, I will play an original piece for Ms. Barrymore herself.

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