Posts by StephanZ

StephanZ

Sep 9, 2010

Undergraduate / Govind, SOME ONE WHO HAS INFLUENCED YOU. HOW DID IT IMPACT YOU. [5]

Hi,

I would suggest revising these two sentences a little:

Govind had chosen civil services not as choice but as a necessity. He was good in science but could not afford the books. He had to take subjects his friend took so that he could borrow the books. When I didn't fancy a subject, I never ran out of excuses to avoid it but here was a boy who had no choice to decide what he wanted.

Something like:

Govind did not get to chose his prefered field of science, but had to study civil service so that he could borrow his friends' books. He could not afford his own. Conversly, I would make up any excuse to avoid a subject I did not care for.

StephanZ

Sep 9, 2010

Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

EF_Kevin
Great point. Thanks so much for your help. Here's the revised first para:

My parents have always felt very strongly that travel is an integral part of forming well-rounded, open-minded adults. Since childhood, my parents have taken my sister and I to various countries; Hungary, Costa Rica, Mexico, France, and Czech Republic to name a few. This summer my parents took us to diverse and memorable South Africa It was memorable not just because of its beauty, but the growing I did while there.

StephanZ

Sep 8, 2010

Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

kgb66
Thanks, Kim. I have gone back and revised the end a little. Does this seem a little more relevant to you?

I look forward to the challenge of being independent and more responsible for myself and the ever widening community that my college experience will offer. I believe that my experience and the awareness it created will motivate both an active involvement with and positive example for students at the University of Florida.

StephanZ

Sep 7, 2010

Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

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Open to any critique you all would like to send my way. Thanks.
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My parents have always felt very strongly that travel is an integral part of forming well rounded, open minded adults. Since I was a child, my parents have taken my sister and me to various countries; Hungary, Costa Rica, Mexico, France, and Czech Republic to name a few. This summer my parents took us to South Africa. The diversity of the culture, language, and geography made South Africa a fascinating country to explore.

The experience that was the most life changing occurred in Plettenburg Bay, South Africa. My family and I were advised to take a nature hike around nearby Robberg Peninsula by the elderly couple who owned the bed and breakfast in which we stayed. Thinking the hike would be a great way to experience the scenery of the country, we set out for Robberg. We started on what was initially a narrow path with just a hint of danger. As we continued, we found ourselves on top of some high, sheer cliffs with beautiful picturesque surroundings. As we continued on this path, we rounded the end of the peninsula and found ourselves atop a colossal sand dune. We ran down the dune and along the beach comfortably until we had to pick up the path which led us into a much narrower, treacherous mid-cliff area with no barriers between my family and the oceanic rocks far below. Out of concern for my family, I told them to stay behind and I would continue on to see that we were on the correct path and that I felt it was passable. I did this several times coming back to reassure my family that the path was nearing the end.

It was only after my family told the story to my grandfather that I realized in that split second, I took responsibility for my whole family. Up to that time, it had always been my father's role to put the rest of the family's safety first. As I began to reflect on this decision, I realized that I had grown considerably, willingly assuming responsibility for not only myself, but others.

Now that time has passed and I have had an opportunity to dwell on this experience, I recognize that I have an obligation to be responsible for more than just myself. I appreciate that responsibility is an honor bestowed in the form of trust by others. For people to allow someone to take accountability for them means that they have the upmost faith in that person. I now look forward to the opportunity to experience this trust in a circle that extends beyond just my family. I have a duty towards my communities, both locally and globally.

I am now president of our rugby club which offers greater responsibility, but I look forward to an ever widening community that my college experience could offer. I believe that my experience and the awareness it created will motivate an active involvement with and positive example for students at the University of Florida.