carosim
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Williams Essay (any environment that is particularly significant to you) [7]
Okay I'm just going to be really honest and say the first thoughts that came to my mind. My opinions may not be the consensus, and I could be wrong too. I hope I don't sound offensive, I'm just trying to be honestly critical, which is what I hope others would do for me.
When I read the first paragraph I had no idea what you were talking about. It describes scenery, but not an environment. When you say that you're home, I don't know where you're referring to.
"I can't spot a cloud in the sky, but it still isn't clear. The skies are always hazy, a constant grey. My eyes cross the horizon, but I cannot make out anything in the distance; the massive skyscrapers dot blot out my vision. I know I'm home."
I can't tell if this vision is of Korea or America, and the pavements turning into lawns part, I still don't get which is which. I think when they said environment in the prompt, it was more of what things in the environment influenced your person kinda question. (ie. ghetto, rich, upper class, lower class, really asian, or whatever etc etc)
I really liked this part:
"The vision that I hold has a monumental significance to me. I cannot forget my roots, and even though I would now consider myself an American, I know that without my heritage, I am nothing."
But you don't explain why this vision holds such a huge impact.
Why does the vision change from skyscrapers to houses? What does skyscraper symbolize? I couldn't really tell.
Love this part as well: "But I realize that even though my vision of the world changes, my values must remain the same. The vision I have represents my past, my roots: where I'm from. The glimpse outside the window now shows that I am an American."
But what is your vision? What is your past/ your roots? So like...what are your principles & values exactly?
And I think it would be a nice touch to clarify what an 'American' is, since you conclude that you are now one.
Overall, I think your ideas about the fusion/immigrant identity are great!! It just needs clarification and explanation I think.
And I do like the visuals that the beginning metaphors have, its just that I'm confused as to what its alluding to.
I hope this helped, and as I said before, I'm just trying to give constructive criticism.
Okay I'm just going to be really honest and say the first thoughts that came to my mind. My opinions may not be the consensus, and I could be wrong too. I hope I don't sound offensive, I'm just trying to be honestly critical, which is what I hope others would do for me.
When I read the first paragraph I had no idea what you were talking about. It describes scenery, but not an environment. When you say that you're home, I don't know where you're referring to.
"I can't spot a cloud in the sky, but it still isn't clear. The skies are always hazy, a constant grey. My eyes cross the horizon, but I cannot make out anything in the distance; the massive skyscrapers dot blot out my vision. I know I'm home."
I can't tell if this vision is of Korea or America, and the pavements turning into lawns part, I still don't get which is which. I think when they said environment in the prompt, it was more of what things in the environment influenced your person kinda question. (ie. ghetto, rich, upper class, lower class, really asian, or whatever etc etc)
I really liked this part:
"The vision that I hold has a monumental significance to me. I cannot forget my roots, and even though I would now consider myself an American, I know that without my heritage, I am nothing."
But you don't explain why this vision holds such a huge impact.
Why does the vision change from skyscrapers to houses? What does skyscraper symbolize? I couldn't really tell.
Love this part as well: "But I realize that even though my vision of the world changes, my values must remain the same. The vision I have represents my past, my roots: where I'm from. The glimpse outside the window now shows that I am an American."
But what is your vision? What is your past/ your roots? So like...what are your principles & values exactly?
And I think it would be a nice touch to clarify what an 'American' is, since you conclude that you are now one.
Overall, I think your ideas about the fusion/immigrant identity are great!! It just needs clarification and explanation I think.
And I do like the visuals that the beginning metaphors have, its just that I'm confused as to what its alluding to.
I hope this helped, and as I said before, I'm just trying to give constructive criticism.
