Undergraduate / "A job at a customer service based retailer" - my short answer for undergrad transfer [7]

Siddharth, Kevin, Mark, Supreet:

Thank you very much for your suggestions and remarks. As this was a short answer essay I really couldn't get into as much detail as desired- I am literally 6 words away from the max of 150! However I will try and tweak what I can.

Ever grateful,
Leslin

Undergraduate / Parents life have influenced and reflected mine. College essay need work [4]

Hello Steve,

Your essay has great imagery but lacks a linear storyline. You need a beginning, middle, and end. It's too jumpy and some sentences go no where- they act only as filler with no apparent purpose:"My Mother came to America when she was five years old" reads as a random thought when compared to the sentences preceding and following it. Your title is about both your parents and should reflect that in the opening of your essay- if I didn't know the topic I should still glean the subject(s) from the onset. The word America is used four times in the first four sentences- the redundancy can come across as the authors lack of varied vocabulary or boring. So try to vary the feelings of your families desire live a different life.

It's also important that you give a specific date to when this story takes place. The sentence "During this time" does not work because there has been no mention of ANY time. What's great about a story like this is that you can give the reader a little history of the time. Give details on what the term "iron curtain" means and what it meant for people such as your maternal grandparents.

The introduction of your fathers side also needs to be linear. The reader assumes he was born in the same country as your mother and only when you mention the birth of your paternal grandfather do we see that he is of Italian descent.

There are too many short sentences that make the reader have to stop and start. But I feel if you have a linear storyline the sentences will flow together well and be more connected.