SupernewtJR
Oct 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Success + Bright, Bold and Beautiful - uc admission, personal statement [8]
First off, I would write this part like this...
and asked myself, "Will I be successful?" and then ...they said being able to do what you aim for -no matter how small....in the eyes of others- is success in its essence.
My mom is a teacher....and doing good in school(and then I think should be a period not a comma)
My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan(and then a second comma), has effected...
During 1996 when we were under...., my parents had no choice but to protect my sisters and me(switched around).
My dad, the famous lawyer(another comma), and my mom(comma), the inspirational teacher(comma), had come to....
My dad, with hope in his eyes(comma), stated(comma), "(CAPATALIZED)Soon enough you....you and your sisters(new sentence after period). You will appreciate life(not live) as you..."
As the years went on,....in the United States(United States is capatalized),(comma)and they both had big hopes that things would(past change) change.
My mom got....teacher,(comma b/c of compound sentence) and my dad....after college.
They would always laugh and say,(comma) "(CAPS)If we did it(no comma) then you can do it,(comma) but even better!"
After this(comma), they expected....and achievement.
So when I think...to give me an(added "an") oppurtunity, I always think to myself, (Quotes)"I am thankful to have people there(not "their") for me who will push me towards success."
I dont have time to read the second one but i hope this helped. And it also means you probably need to overlook the second one as well.
First off, I would write this part like this...
and asked myself, "Will I be successful?" and then ...they said being able to do what you aim for -no matter how small....in the eyes of others- is success in its essence.
My mom is a teacher....and doing good in school(and then I think should be a period not a comma)
My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan(and then a second comma), has effected...
During 1996 when we were under...., my parents had no choice but to protect my sisters and me(switched around).
My dad, the famous lawyer(another comma), and my mom(comma), the inspirational teacher(comma), had come to....
My dad, with hope in his eyes(comma), stated(comma), "(CAPATALIZED)Soon enough you....you and your sisters(new sentence after period). You will appreciate life(not live) as you..."
As the years went on,....in the United States(United States is capatalized),(comma)and they both had big hopes that things would(past change) change.
My mom got....teacher,(comma b/c of compound sentence) and my dad....after college.
They would always laugh and say,(comma) "(CAPS)If we did it(no comma) then you can do it,(comma) but even better!"
After this(comma), they expected....and achievement.
So when I think...to give me an(added "an") oppurtunity, I always think to myself, (Quotes)"I am thankful to have people there(not "their") for me who will push me towards success."
I dont have time to read the second one but i hope this helped. And it also means you probably need to overlook the second one as well.