Posts by alicezung

alicezung

Oct 25, 2010

Undergraduate / "My intellectual curiosity, Doorbells" - Personal Statement [6]

it's just entertaining reading your essay :)
i think you resemble Scout, from To Kill a Mockingbird, haha, xD

i think the first 2 sentences can just be more concise.
You can just say "I was known for my overwhelming curiosity since I was a toddler."

the nanny part is really vivid, but "the nanny yelling" sounds to me a bit violent.
but that might be just me..
oh, and, when you stand and wait in front of the door, i have this "buzzing" in my head that what about your nanny that stands and waits for you? When you take such a long time waiting for Boo Radley to come out. :)

and in the first paragraph:
After passing an interesting house, I "would" squirm free from my nanny's grasp and dart to the door that had become the center of my universe.

why would you say "would" if that is something that really took place?

something contradictory I see is that, you say that the house is just "interesting", but then, throughout your essay, the house symbolizes your great curiosity. I just dont think that the word "interesting" is enough.

On my first reading, i thought that this Doorbells incident is just one of the things you listed to prove that you are really a curious person (besides the conversation with the skaters and passerby's).

I believe that you should emphasize more on the house.

"Men like Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt fascinate me, but their ideas captivate me."
:O you can just say that the ideas of the great leaders captivate you. Mentioning the owners of the ideas doesn't help clarify your ideas.

Again, it's really entertaining.
Those are suggestions from me.
would be great if you find them helpful!

Hop you the BEST!

alicezung

Oct 15, 2010

Undergraduate / "promote Asian culture to society" - CommonApp - found SilkRoad@SZ(NGO) [2]

After I saw the children who showed great eagerness to study on the photos, I am really grateful for the experience of founding SilkRoad in SZ (I dont think you should use an abbreviation in any app essay, it would leave the readers doubtful. Just name the place) . A ~~NGO~~non-governmental organization originally founded in California by a Chinese student, SilkRoad's goal is to promote Asian culture to the society, raise money for the people in need, and develope education in their world countries.

Last year , we held charity sales, conducted fund-raising, and helpedimprove the education in poor areas in China. SilkRoad gives me the chance to do charity directly but not just donate money to an organization. I contacted three high schools in SZ to collect books and stationaries for Hong Kong Baptist University Gansu&Guizhou Sustainable Service Team. After the donated things (I think you should be more specific. Paint us the picture what "things" you are actually talking about) were given to the students there, I received testimonials and photos I mentioned in the beginning from them. I realized maybe I did a little for improving the situation, but they received hopes rather than books.

An impressive story :)
still, I found some grammatical mistakes that you should fix :)
After reading your essay, there are still some questions on my mind. If you can answer them all and state it clearly in ur writing, your essay would be tremendously improved.

The first sentence is really ambiguous.
It should be like "Seeing the photo of children who were eager to receive education, I was..."
What is SZ? Who exactly founded the organization (you or a Chinese student?)
Why this org is so special to you that you want to write about it?
Why, for you, doing charity is better than giving money?
You contacted the 3 schools to get books and then donate them but you said "I realized maybe I did a little for improving the situation, but they received hopes rather than books."

That is quite contradictory.
You should tell me more how you feel about the experience.
Touched? Happy?
Glad to help the students? Does it affect you to be mature? More considerate of others?
More thankful for your own fortune?
How does it affect you?

Hope you find it helpful!

alicezung

Oct 15, 2010

Undergraduate / "become a helpful citizen to the society" - what makes Stanford a good place for you [3]

This is my essay on the topic: Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.
What do you think?

Dear Stanford, I was deeply impressed by your student two years ago. She was Venussa, or Min, a senior debater whom I adored. With her sparkling eyes and beaming face, she told me she wanted to go to your prestigious university. The feelings she emitted were so passionately powerful that, hardly knowing you, I was delighted that she later got in.

Two years later, as the only one in my class and the first in my family to apply abroad, I was almost alone on the path I chose. During hours of my anxious phone calls teeming with college questions, Min was my great moral support.

Now, you might be wondering why I devote my two paragraphs writing about Min, who is not me, which is totally against the rule of talk-about-yourself essays. Min played a great role in symbolizing your extraordinary community, inspiring me to learn more about you, and choose you as my dream university. Because of her, I learn that Stanford is not only appealingly vigorous, but also warmly supportive. Everyone is there to help one another -- a quality I look for in a place that I would call home for the transitional period of my life.

Stanford's academically excellence is another most important reason why you would be the best fit for me. With your well-rounded curriculum, I would get to freely explore who I truly am before choosing a major. I also aspire to be a part of your active environment. Surrounded by energetic bright people, I would be inspired to challenge my capability and push myself far and beyond. With your renowned faculty members, my authentic yet unsophisticated ideas would be refined. I would be taught to practically approach problems and become a helpful citizen to the society.

Besides what have been said, your balmy weather, location in Palo Alto (maybe my Californian debate coach can visit me) and, diverse student body (having international friends, I might get free accommodations in their countries in the future) would make Stanford University a great place for me.