Undergraduate / Auschwitz and gray pebbles--Common App essay [4]

thank you so much, this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!! and your advice was great :) hey, how do I/can I possibly become a moderator, out of curiosity? I really love writing and editing, and I'm thinking of being an editor to support myself (before I become a world-famous author, of course...). This would be good practice!

Undergraduate / Flying and piloting - Common App (Significant Experience) [3]

It's too clishéd, and too contrived/awkward-sounding---i recommend re-writing it without think at all about "what they're looking for". Just tell it like you were telling it to a friend. Then go back and make it sound more refined, but DON'T keep in things like "I remember it like yesterday"

good luck!

Undergraduate / "There was a God somewhere watching over us" -an experience that changed your life. [9]

editing cont'd:

We passed athe window of a nearby house that still had its light on.;t here was a party. I

The aroma of roasted beef covertly escaped the house in to the cold and humid air of the October night.

I remembered my sixth birthday present, the most beautiful flute that Father especially madehad made especially for me.

But I could never be angry at the woman whom Father was in love with for the past fifteen years.

Two... no three hours? I tried not to let my tears bleed throughmar his shirt and ruin its perfect smell.

Maybe we could find a place to stay for tonight.

Maybe the midnight stars would be darkenfade , yield itstheir place for the first rays of dawn. Just maybe.

ok i admit i did a little style editing too, but not much. obviously, those are suggestions and you don't have to take them

Good luck, and your story is sincere and well-told :)
-Melissa

Scholarship / Services to country, working, interest in science - why I deserve a scholarship? [4]

Deciding which boy would make the ideal * best Homecoming King was certainly the most important decision many of my peers have had to make to half of my high school class. ** For others it was merely whether or not to wear the name brand Pac Sun, in fear of being ridiculed by fellow peers. While the majority of the school was focusing on miniscule incongruous * obsessions, I was deep in thought concerning my life's profession *. While analyzing my post-graduation options I had to consider numerous obstructions which would deem college life a nuisance; then, determine ways to eliminate them. Obstructions such as leaving home and quitting my job were out of the question due to the lack of family finances, so my first decision was to attend LSCC: A great education close to home.

Working nearly forty hours a week while still in high school made it rather difficult to keep up with my studies. The task involved late nights, early mornings , and even weekends nose- deep in my textbooks. Studying is by far one of the most important skills requirednecessary to be successful during school, and thankfully I've learned to develop superb study skills.

*Don't try to use big words, just sound like yourself :)
**I THINK this is what you were trying to say, but it's hard to decipher the first and second sentences.

Your ideas sound good, but you aren't writing in your own voice. If you don't, you'll come off sounding insincere. Or worse, you'll have a LOT of clishes.

Good luck! :D

Undergraduate / "Leader: follow rules, stay focus and be a good listener" - am I on the right track? [3]

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail"(Harold R. McAlindon). In order to be a good follower you * will have to do what you are told. Doing what you are told allows you to understand that there are current rules which are meant to be followed. When you are a good follower you do what you are told not because you have to but because you have love and respect for your leader. Your love and respect for someone or something shows though your actions. By doing this, it would make it easier for you to understand what you would need to do when you are the pathfinder .** Basically, in order to be a pathfinder you would have to remember back to when you were a follower and see what you have to do to become the leader you are today.

I remember in Elementary School, every week we had a different line leader. We changed line leaders because my teacher wanted to give everyone the opportunity to be a leader. When you in Elementary School being the leader meant making up games to play during recess, making sure your team won the kick ball game, but most importantly make sure you are always respectful to your peers because your classmates were always watching.

To be a good leader in today's society you will have to be willing to follow rules, stay focused and be a good listener. Being the pathfinder does not mean your ideas are the only ones that matter. When you take the role of an explorer you have the understanding that everyone's ideas are equal and they all deserve equal amounts of respect.

When being the path finder you have to keep faith with the past, understand that even though you have successfully gotten through things in the past doesn't mean forget about, allow that to be a lesson learned. You will also need to keep step with the present, don't dwell in the past , learn from it but don't repeat it, allow it to be your map to where you need to be. The past matter and remember it can have a huge impact in your future.

The quote "The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men, the conviction and the will to carry on" by Walter Lippman, explains that you would only know if you were a good are a pathfinder, the explorer etc. when after you are die and gone your legacy still stand strong. Pathfinders that could support this quote are, Martin Luther King Jr, Malclom X, Rosa Parks, Thurgood Marshall, and etc. these men and women showed leadership even through is was hard but by them having the courage to stand for what is right, allows us to have things we have in this decade.

*As a rule of thumb, don't use the general "you"--people don't like it. Try using "someone", "one" (although that can be a little uppity), "he/she", "people"...anything but "you".

**I can't understand this sentence. If you told me what you're trying to say, I could help you more. :)

OK so I fixed some of the grammar in there but it still needs a lot of work in that direction.
As far as being on the right track, i REALLY like the initial idea, but then instead of elaborating you give a little personal anecdote, and then the rest of your argument is supported by popular proverbs and others' opinions. Because these tend to sound clishéd, try to inject more of your own experiences and opinions as support--focus it back on you and your traits.

Hope that helped, and sorry if I sounded harsh---I really do love your ideas!!! Yes, you are on the right track but you need to fix it up a bit :)

Undergraduate / "shouldering my father's responsibility" - Most significant life achievement [7]

My father had lost his job and my four siblings were still in school. In my life, adversity has served as a catalyst, forming my determination to uphold the values that defines me.

At 23, life taught me to develop and mature through the best and the worst of times. --too clished I think

Bad things happen; our savings were not enough to support my family. My father's hope of providing best education and better life to his children might have blown up in thin air.

My proudest achievement was not a solitary event but a bundle of joy delivered over the years. I chose a positive and constructive path by shouldering my father's responsibility. A part of my earnings would go to support my parents and the rest into younger brothers' tuition fees and living expenses. I guided --this should be "helped them..." or "guided them to..."them transform into independent, successful and responsible individuals.

My happiness knew no bounds when my efforts started paying dividends by 2006. Presently, two of them are working with software multi-nationals, one is with India's largest bank and the other is serving in Indian Navy. I could not have asked for more.

With determination, dedication and commitment, I overcame the greatest of challenges to turn my father's dream to reality. I reaped first crop of my self confidence. My life is richer now, surrounded by a closed knit family which is the only continuous thing in my life. I am confident of reaching many milestones but this one will always remain close to my heart.

I like the sentiments, and your writing does have a nice flow. But I think it's not too personal, and you could make it more so. Rather than narrating events, try giving a vaguer outline of them and focus instead on what your emotions are.