Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Flight has always interested me. The interest started at an air show at a local airport many years ago. I remember the distinct roar as the aircraft rocketed into the air; the grey silhouettes of the military aircraft juxtaposed against the azure sky. I also remember the feeling of excitement and awe that came over me. Seeing such power had a profound effect on me. From that moment on, I resolved to become a pilot. Like any curious child, I started asking people I knew for information about airplanes and piloting them. When they could not provide the answers, I turned to books. After what seemed like years, I developed a basic knowledge of flight. But what is knowledge if one cannot use it? One birthday, however, I got an opportunity to implement my knowledge. This particular birthday, my parents took me to the local airport where sailplanes operated out of. They signed me up, and within a matter of days I was already proficient in piloting sailplanes. While I was learning how to fly this machine, I realized how good of a time I was having. Nevertheless, full realization of that fact did not come until my first solo flight.
I remember the day like yesterday; October 4th, 2009. It was cloudy, raining off an on throughout the day. I had been up in the air a couple of times before, albeit with an instructor. When he exited the airplane, now MY airplane, I realized that I was going to go up on my own. As I launched, The air sat at an almost eerie stillness for the area, atypical of the day. The flight started off normally, albeit the anxiety of commanding an aircraft for the first time. I released from the towplane at around two-thousand feet above the ground. He banked to the left and turned; I did the same to my right. After flying for about twenty minutes, I set up my landing pattern. I landed and rolled to a stop. I will never forget the feeling of the aircraft coming to rest below me. As I opened the canopy and stepped out, I got splashed with a bucket of water a local tradition. As I filled out my logbook of the previous flights' events, I realized that I had accomplished my childhood goal. I realized I could accomplish anything I wanted to.
Any and all comments welcome!
It's too clishéd, and too contrived/awkward-sounding---i recommend re-writing it without think at all about "what they're looking for". Just tell it like you were telling it to a friend. Then go back and make it sound more refined, but DON'T keep in things like "I remember it like yesterday"
good luck!
Flight has always interested me.--- boring first sentence!
The interest started at an air show at a local airport many years ago. I remember the distinct roar as the aircraft rocketed into the air; the grey silhouettes of the military aircraft juxtaposed against the azure sky.----- wow, very cool writing here. How about making this the first sentence so that you start with a strong sentence?
Flight has always interested me. The interest started at an air show at a local airport many years ago. I remember the distinct roar as the aircraft rocketed into the air; the grey silhouettes of the military aircraft juxtaposed against the azure sky. I also remember the feeling of excitement and awe that came over me. Seeing such power had a profound effect on me. From that moment on, I resolved to ....----now that is more like it! Get rid of those two first sentences.
Here is one of those cliches Melissa mentioned:
I remember the day like yesterday;
Do this: October 4th, 2009 was cloudy and raining off an on throughout the day. I had been up in the air a couple ...
Oh, and you end with a cliche, too: I realized I could accomplish anything I wanted to.----however, it is a good one! I like it, but you use to many cliches. Even your greeting has a cliche: "any and all" comments welcome. Ha ha, so everybody has a different mind weed to remove, and yours is too many cliches. :-) This story is sort of exciting, thouigh, and well written. I really like the way it is an affirmation that you can do anything you choose to do. That is an important message that I hope you share with a lot of people.
