Undergraduate / "A Scotch-Brite Life" - Common App Essay for Cornell [10]

I think this is a great idea for an essay. Your descriptions are vivid, and bring the idea of simple house sponge into great activity and detail. Some awkward phrasing issues:

"While some may be content with life explicit" - What does this mean? I would reword this clause.

"Nothing learned imparts from my train of thought" - I haven't heard 'impart' used in this context. 'Impart' means to bestow or communicate an idea or trait, but I think you're applying it differently.

In terms of content, I think this essay has potential. The problem I see is that there is a lot of description of what a sponge does, but not much elaboration of why this pertains to your character. I think this essay could be better structured, by first listing an aspect of the sponge, then showing how it connects to you. Then the second detail, and so on. The way it's currently structured, I'm very interested in the sponge, but not as interested in you. I would try adding examples from your life that illustrate why you are like a sponge. Overall though, I would continue on this train of thought. Good luck.

Undergraduate / Physics, astronomy, the magic sky - what's the purpose of my life? (activity) [6]

This essay suffers from several grammatical errors. If I were to only revise these errors, I would rewrite the essay like this:

I think the most impressive extracurricular activity that I have concluded is one that I did during the summer of my 8th grade. In that summer I participated in a course in astronomy that was designed for 8th grade students. I participated there because I had a great interest to learn more about sky, ever since childhood. In the course, I learned a lot of new things such as astronomy's history, new things about solar system and stars, and so on.

The teacher introduced us to some useful books and I think dynamic astronomy was the best. I finished the book during the course and every day my interest in astronomy increased.

I can't deny that the course had a great effect of evolving my interest in astronomy, but I think the landmark event of the course was the time that I decided to go to a one-night trip to observe sky by telescope in the deserts of Shahdad. I think the instant that I decided to go on the trip is the most important moment of my life because that night I finally came to understand :

What's the purpose of my life?
It is to study physics, to learn more about the magic sky above us.

But apart from that I believe some major revisions must be made. The opening sentence seems unnecessary, and I think that you could open with a vivid description of the night you discovered the purpose of life. Also, I think you should do more showing, less telling in describing your experience. Some details, such as the kind of material you went over, the attitude of the teacher, etc. seem to be unexplored. Good luck on revising.

Undergraduate / Marketing Management / Advertising - "I felt out of place" (event, experience) [4]

First off, some sentences seem incoherent:

"Looking at all the people pas but it all seemed to be getting old."

"Living in a small area where everyone knew one another the school seemed to be even smaller."

I would try rephrasing these, because I'm not sure exactly what you are trying to say here.

In terms of content, I'm not sure what relevance the part about how you didn't appreciate the high school experience adds to your essay. If anything, it might detract from it. But I like how you identify exactly what you want to do at the University of Florida - it seems like you have a focused goal. I think you should elaborate here - for instance, explain experiences or influences that have led you to focus on this major.

In general, I think this essay needs to be a little more focused. For instance, your dance and modeling accomplishments are impressive, especially in context of your financial barrier. This could be the basis for an essay in itself, but when you combine it with the paragraphs before it, it seems like the essay overall lacks a thesis about how you will contribute to the campus.

By the way, I really like the opening sentence. Good luck on revisions.

Undergraduate / "Working behind the front desk of a hospital" -Common APP Extracurricular [4]

Some grammatical corrections:

... look up patients' names, and walk people ...

It was not my right as a volunteer to judge people based on first impressions.

Older people sometimes needed me to write down the room number

... to file a claim, while other people are in a jolly good mood ...

It's a volunteer' s job to greet each and ...

I may not have covered all the grammatical errors, but I believe these are the essential ones. Overall, I think this essay answers the prompt, but some of the sentences seem awkward, especially the clause "while other people are in a jolly good mood because their sister had a baby in the maternity ward and they need a number to order flowers". There might be some problems with agreement with the subject, so I would just reword this. Good luck.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: what is happiness? I still do not find the answer [2]

I think this essay answers the question, but it seems to lack depth. You address the issue that happiness is open to multiple interpretations by different kinds of people, but you seem to lose out on the third question ("What factors are important in achieving happiness?")

I think this is where colleges want you to introduce a little bit of yourself into your work. The notion that everybody has different conceptions of happiness is an observation that can be made of anyone, but what is your own thesis on what factors can generally define happiness?

The following sentence appears to be the mentality you advocate:

"By contrast, some people define happiness as giving and they come alive by helping other people."

I would develop this idea more. If you believe this to be true, try to define the essential components of happiness, and refer to examples or people in your own life. Good luck.