In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
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please leave comments and suggestions on how to make it better.
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The walls seemed to be closing in on me; the bright lights hurt my eyes, the bell sounded and everyone got up at once, like a flock of birds getting ready to fly away to the warm south. As I was walking through the hall I realized how much I felt out of place. Looking at all the people pas but it all seemed to be getting old. Living in a small area where everyone knew one another the school seemed to be even smaller. It was my worst nightmare and my biggest mistake. Throughout my high school years I wasn't the best student, I didn't go to my fullest potential because all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to get out. I regret not realizing earlier that school was the key I needed to get out and continue my steps through life. Through mistakes we gain experience and knowledge.
My high school experience will greatly impact my performance in college. I have set academic goals for myself and I strive to achieve them in the next years to come. I intend on majoring in Marketing Management and possibly minor in Advertising. As someone who has always been interested in finding out how companies determine the need for a product and how to attract consumers, both Market Management and Advertising would allow me to get an insight look on how this aspect of business works and pursue my career goal after obtaining a degree.
In my childhood and pre-teen years I began to take Ballroom Dancing classes, and attended a modeling school in Baltimore. Before I had a chance to blink I was participating in modeling shows and numerous dancing competitions. I gained many medal, including two silver and three gold medals and many modeling offers. Although I was not able to continue to make progress in these activities due to developing financial problems, it was through these activities in which I learned how to easily make friends, and became very outgoing and can easily blend in based on my surroundings. This would help me contribute to the University of Florida campus community because I would be able to quickly adapt to the new campus environment, make new friends, and be involved in various campus activities, as well as encourage others to do so by joining a sorority. As a University of Florida Gator I will help others get through their troubles by being a support system for them, like my friends and family has been there for me when my life was turned upside down by financial difficulties.
First off, some sentences seem incoherent:
"Looking at all the people pas but it all seemed to be getting old."
"Living in a small area where everyone knew one another the school seemed to be even smaller."
I would try rephrasing these, because I'm not sure exactly what you are trying to say here.
In terms of content, I'm not sure what relevance the part about how you didn't appreciate the high school experience adds to your essay. If anything, it might detract from it. But I like how you identify exactly what you want to do at the University of Florida - it seems like you have a focused goal. I think you should elaborate here - for instance, explain experiences or influences that have led you to focus on this major.
In general, I think this essay needs to be a little more focused. For instance, your dance and modeling accomplishments are impressive, especially in context of your financial barrier. This could be the basis for an essay in itself, but when you combine it with the paragraphs before it, it seems like the essay overall lacks a thesis about how you will contribute to the campus.
By the way, I really like the opening sentence. Good luck on revisions.
I understand why the first paragraph seems to be irrelevant, but it explains why my absence days on the transcript are so high and why my GPA isn't that great.
The sentences should be fixed, it's just a grammatical error.
"Looking at all the people pass by it all seemed to be getting old."
"Living in a small area where everyone knew one another, the school seemed to be even smaller and so mono-cultural."
I also revised the last paragraph.
"....This would help me contribute to the University of Florida campus community because I would be able to quickly adapt to the new campus environment, make new friends, and be involved in various campus activities, as well as encourage others to do so by joining a sorority. As a University of Florida Gator I would promote a new group dance class in order to bring the students together in one common interest."
Is this better?
...As I was walking walked through the hall I realized ...
pas pass
Yes, the first para takes a long time to get to the point! And it culminated with a cliche: Through mistakes we gain experience and knowledge.
My high school experience will greatly impact my performance in college. I have set academic goals for myself and I strive to achieve them in the next years to come. Do not tell us either of these. Simply get right into telling about those goals. No wasting sentences! :-)
In my childhood and pre-teen years I began to take Ballroom Dancing classes, and attended a modeling school in Baltimore.---- what does this have to do with anything? For a nice writing style, revise the first sentence of every body para so that it is written in a way that supports the thesis statement.
Seems like you have a theme of financial difficulty, learning from mistakes... but it is vague. Powerfully assert your main idea! What does it all add up to?
:-)
Also, what are the goals you mentioned?
