Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by twinsbaseball
Joined: Oct 16, 2010
Last Post: Oct 24, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 8  


Displayed posts: 10
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
twinsbaseball   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Bronx Borough Champs race" - Extracurricular Acitivites Essay for Common App [5]

There are a few grammatical errors in this essay (it should be "I sped off" instead of "I speed off", and be careful to avoid comma splices), but that's not the most important issue.

I think you run the risk of coming off too arrogant in this essay. It starts off nicely, but you make a few comments that seem rather harsh. For example: ". . . I knew I deserved to be on varsity more than her." Maybe reword that more to the effect of, "I knew I was capable of earning a spot on the varsity team." Also: "I knew my coach regretted not placing me on the varsity team." I would strongly advise you to take this out. It makes you sound pretty self-righteous.

I think to make the last paragraph better, you could talk about how you pushed yourself to give your all and the satisfaction of winning that race gave you some peace of mind.

And I really don't mean to be harsh at all, it's just my opinion.
twinsbaseball   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Macalester Supplement: "Mac & Me" -- I might have had too much fun with this. [3]

I'm terrible at returning messages. Advanced Placement Calculus isn't really my thing. And sometimes, when I think no one is watching, I drink straight out of the milk carton. I'm not afraid to admit my faults, so I'll be perfectly honest - the prospect of leaving my small town home to attend college in a big city scares the living daylights out of me. But at the same time, I am so incredibly excited to take advantage of all the world has to offer, and, just maybe, to take advantage of all Macalester College has to offer.

As an aspiring journalist, Mac wasn't high up on my top colleges list. It lacks a journalism major, I thought, so what good could come from going there? But my thoughts quickly changed after I accompanied a friend to Minnesota Private College Week and first set eyes on Macalester College. The campus was beautiful; there were trees and green grass and flowers, all of which took me back to my small town safe haven. I forgot I was steps away from the bustling Snelling Avenue and instead got the distinct impression that Mac was a safe place conducive to learning.

Following my spontaneous visit, I immediately got online to learn a little more about Macalester. The first thing that caught my eye was the term "multiculturalism", which sparked my interest right away. As I've said, my hometown of New Richmond, Wisconsin is populated by some 8,000 people, nearly all of which are white. Growing up, I lacked the opportunity to gain cultural understanding, and a school like Macalester offers me just that. With a student population that is twelve percent international, I would undoubtedly delight in the chance to bounce from person to person, eager to learn everything about their country, their culture, and why they chose America. Their unique perspectives and beliefs might even help me decide where to study abroad, which brings me to my next point.

The phrase "the world is your playground" has always struck a chord with me. Having traveled to Mexico, Guatemala, Germany, the Czech Republic, and Switzerland, I've acquired my own little taste of other cultures. But I am constantly hungry for more. I fully intend to study abroad, and Macalester's strong foreign program has proved to be one of its most attractive qualities. While I'd love to travel to Ireland, it's much more likely that I'll end up in a Spanish-speaking country. You see, I tend to have some pretty high aspirations, one of them being to double major in Spanish and, depending on my college decision, journalism or something of that nature. That's the beauty of Mac - I don't have to major in journalism to achieve success. I could double major in Spanish and political science, or international studies, or, if I really wanted to be boring, English. But no matter what my college major, Mac will equip me with the tools I need to go on to graduate school. And that, to me, is essential. I want my college of choice to leave me culturally enriched and prepared for further education.

So what would I offer Mac? I'll give it everything I've got. If it hasn't already been made obvious, I expect a lot of myself, and I put 110 percent into everything I do. At home I'm known as a pistol, a firecracker, the girl no one can quite keep up with. But I'm also an analytical thinker stimulated by intellectual conversation. In particular, I'd like to take advantage of Macalester's ethnic diversity and discuss the issue of prejudice with members of many races; perhaps together, we could begin to eliminate it.

I earlier promised my honesty, and I intend to be a woman of my word. While I've read and enjoyed countless classics, the Harry Potter series has always been my guilty pleasure. And so it only seems right to call upon the words of Albus Dumbledore to express my thoughts. In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, he said, "Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open" (723). My heart is open, and my aim is identical to Mac's. Throughout my college career, I intend to stress the importance of diversity and use my knowledge and experience to give back to my community, whether it's through news reporting, language translating, or something entirely different. I might be scared, but I'm ready. And that's the truth.
twinsbaseball   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Making Thoreau Proud" -- Common App Personal Statement [7]

Hey, I think the emotion in your essay is great.

I read this a second time and it didn't come off quite as dramatic as it had the first time.

For whatever reason, it's just this part that seems like you're trying a little to hard: "This morning I broke free from the mechanical routine and chose to literally go to the woods, not in hopes of reliving Thoreau's own experience, but in hopes of creating my own." It's a great sentence, it just sounds a little bit...forced.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then just ignore my opinion. Your essay is good with or without that sentence.
twinsbaseball   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Math, science, and finding all the views and data" - Diversity essay [5]

Watch your comma use. Only put in a comma before a conjunction if whatever's following the conjunction is a sentence by itself. (For example, instead of "science, and math" put "science and math".

I like your examples about your lab partner and working on a farm, but try to draw the two ideas together under your general thesis about how important diversity is. Right now the two paragraphs seem like two separate essays.
twinsbaseball   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Problem of Prejudice" - Common App Essay [7]

Thanks so much! I'm a little worried that I haven't checked the right category. It could go under a significant experience, the importance of diversity, or a topic of my choice...I just don't know which one to go with.

I was hoping it would come off as pretty honest and a little brave. I'm applying to Carleton and Macalester, two highly competitive schools, and I want to make an impact.

Thanks for your feedback!
twinsbaseball   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "Making Thoreau Proud" -- Common App Personal Statement [7]

Grammatically, it's perfect. You vary your sentence structure nicely, and I didn't notice anything that sounded too choppy or too lengthy.

I think this is very well written. Your thinking is very deep and as a result your voice sounds very serious and introspective. If that's who you are, then that's fine. Just be careful not to sound too sappy.
twinsbaseball   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "basketball games" - Why Duke? Supplement Essay. [4]

I like that you focus on something very specific, like basketball, that attracts you to Duke. However, you seem to neglect the first part of the prompt, about why Duke would be a good match for you. Try to elaborate on why you would fit in at Duke, other than just basketball.

Also (and this could just be my personal preference) I don't think you should recite Duke's mission statement. They already know what it is, and they probably don't need you to tell them.
twinsbaseball   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Problem of Prejudice" - Common App Essay [7]

Please evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you.

I've never been one to deny the truth, so I'll put it bluntly - I am a white, upper-class teenager living in a community that lacks both ethnic diversity and cultural awareness. As a result, I have witnessed very little discrimination and had few encounters with blatant racism. In fact, for most of my young life, I remained blissfully unaware of the significant problem that prejudice still poses to society, and I was even naïve enough to believe that I didn't have stereotypes of my own. But my recent enrollment in a class called Race and Ethnicity served as a much-needed slap in the face, opening my eyes to a significant aspect of my 2009 trip to Guatemala that I had previously failed to recognize. Until then, my memories of Guatemala consisted of scream-filled zip-lining excursions, picturesque mountains, and the mystique of The Lost City. However, it was the inquisitive nature of this new class that made me realize it wasn't what I had seen or done in Guatemala that was so imperative to my cultural understanding - it was how it had felt to be a minority as a white person.

Our first assignment for Race and Ethnicity was to step into the shoes of a member of any minority group and write about how life might be different for that person. In that moment, as I stared at a few eraser shavings on my paper, it hit me - I had already been there. My trip to Guatemala flooded my memory, and instead of remembering volcanoes and coffee plantations, I recalled how it had felt to pass two strange men on a dark and vacant cobblestone street. I didn't raise my hand to say hello as I might have to a fellow American. I steered around them, avoided eye contact, and walked a few paces faster. Why? Because I was the minority. Subconsciously, I sensed that they had the upper hand and might look down on me because I wasn't like them. In one class period, I realized that my discomfort was caused by feelings of inferiority that had been unfamiliar to me until that point, when I transformed from a member of the dominant group to a small Caucasian girl walking the dim streets of Guatemala with only two others for company. And yet, it was only a fleeting glimpse of what people on the margins of American society experience every day. While I could never claim to know what it feels like to fight a constant battle against prejudice, I most certainly can express my sincere desire to eliminate cultural misunderstanding.

In short, a single revelation in Race and Ethnicity is solely responsible for my newfound passion: to break down racial barriers. Had I not enrolled in the class, my eyes might never have been opened to the rare opportunity I was given in Guatemala, and I might never have recognized my own cultural shortcomings. Too often, I had fallen into the easy way of thinking; too often, I had willingly grouped an entire race based on a stereotype that had gone stale; and too often, I had overlooked the devastating effects of prejudice on American society. Today, I strive to see members of all races as unique individuals, without associating them with any stereotype that their group may carry. But as I said, I've never been one to deny the truth. I am far from perfect, and I still struggle to remove the bias in my life. That's the beauty of my revelation - I am growing and changing, continually challenging my own assumptions. I truly believe that my experience in Guatemala as a minority and my cultural enlightenment in Race and Ethnicity have forever changed the way I see the world and all those who live in it.

I think that might be the key to eradicating racism from society - combining knowledge with cultural experience. After all, one can have immense knowledge, but lack the experience to apply it; likewise, one can have vast experience, but lack the knowledge to learn from it. Only when both come together does something truly momentous happen.

Take it from me.
twinsbaseball   
Oct 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / 'from the top of a skyscraper' - Small town or big city - TOEFL [4]

My highlighting isn't showing up right, but:

- before "metropolitan area", put "a".
- instead of "see" put "seeing"
- comma after "moreover"
- comma after "special occasions"
- comma after "for example"
- instead of "big city lifestyle". , put "big city lifestyle."
- comma after "watermelon on your head"
- instead of "only here you can" put "only here can you"
- comma after "thus"
- instead of "believe" put "belief"
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳