"Math, science, and finding all the views and data" - Diversity essay

Please critique my essay!
Prompt for Boulder - how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community and what are your hopes for your college experience?

Diversity is the quintessential element to all higher education, and job environments. In all decisions, diversity is the key to successful answers. The act of collecting different views results in flawless solutions to any problem.

Ever since I began learning science, and math I have naturally taken interest in finding all the views and data on a subject before making a conclusion. Whether it be scholastic or an everyday life occurrence I have always felt the need to uncover all the viewpoints before beginning to form a solution. The diversity within me lies in the way I respect not only racial, and religious diversity, but also diverse views on attitude, knowledge, and behavior in order to create an identity that is not just me but a me that transforms during every enlightening experience I undergo. Throughout high school I have oddly enough always like assigned lab partners. For me, it is better to sit with someone that is your complete opposite rather than a close friend. In particular my tenth grade honors chemistry lab partner and I were essentially antonyms for one another. I was a liberal, outgoing person, and she a conservative, secluded individual. Through the first quarter our contrasting views managed to get us the best, thoroughly earned grades. In no time at all my partner and I began talking to one another in the halls, during which I saw got to see her personal views and standpoints. Later that year I began realizing certain views of mine had changed, and acquired new knowledge on why conservatives stand the way they do. Past interactions and experiences shape the person you are and I make sure to never miss any opportunity.

During the September of 2009 I began the search for a job after having my newly acquired license, as the need for a car in my spread out suburban community. Initially I applied to about thirty very different businesses, from Boarders bookstore to the local breakfast spot. I anxiously awaited answers, but nothing, so I revisited all my potential jobs and asked about openings with a grim result everywhere. All the possible jobs in my area where already taken, or had been cut due to the recession. Before long I was presented with the opportunity of working on a farm. The Idea seemed very new to me and in essence the kind of living I had never been exposed to. I showed up one day and they put me right to work. I had never imagined ever doing something like this, and the result was fascinating. It gave me a completely new perspective on how people can live. The farm family devoted all hours to their day to the farm, I gained a huge appreciation for how hard working farmers are. To this day I am still working at the farm and although it is something nothing like my personality or plan for the future the enjoyment of seeing a new kind of life for 4 days a week drives me to want to work hard in the path I am choosing to take at higher education, and to continue my appreciation for diversity.

Watch your comma use. Only put in a comma before a conjunction if whatever's following the conjunction is a sentence by itself. (For example, instead of "science, and math" put "science and math".

I like your examples about your lab partner and working on a farm, but try to draw the two ideas together under your general thesis about how important diversity is. Right now the two paragraphs seem like two separate essays.

i agree with your input about the two topics not coming together and I feel i might jus expand on my first idea and also tie in what i will bring to the college.

That's right! It is a COMPOUND SENTENCE when it has 2 complete sentences connected by a conjunction. Use google to interpret what all that means if you (anyone) are not sure.

Not all writers do this, but...

Example: Strunk and White recommend a comma after the conjunction in a compound sentence, and I agree!
(above is an example. "I agree" is a complete sentence.)

Here, no comma is necessary:
Diversity is the quintessential element to all higher education and job environments.

In all decisions matters, diversity is the key to successful decision makin g.

During the September of 2009 I began the search for a job after having my newly acquired license, as the need for a car in my spread out suburban community. ---hey, what is going on here. Look at this sentence, and tell me what is wrong with it.

Boarders Borders

Let this be the first sentence of a new paragraph:
The Idea idea seemed very new to me, and in essence the kind of living I had never been exposed to. I showed up one ...

This essay needs an intro paragraph and a conclusion paragraph. Both should express the same MAIN IDEA. Add a para at the beginning and end, and cut content out of the middle to make room if necessary.

Google this: how to write thesis statement essay

:-)

Here is my new essay. Please critique!!

As time moves forward I feel diversity constantly seems to reach new peaks. These new peaks lead humanity on a path to better insights of knowledge and understanding. From the time my alarm goes off in the morning, I look forward to and embrace each day whether I am going to school, work or meeting friends. I enjoy whatever the new day presents to me.

Growing up in a non-conventional home of parents with liberal viewpoints, I have always found a different approach to things. My mother working as a professional artist showed me that anything is possible and gave me a very creative approach to life. While my father, a very business oriented graphic designer, showed me problem solving skills and practicality. As a result of my surroundings, whether scholastic or in everyday life, I have always felt the need to uncover all viewpoints before beginning to form an answer. In solving problems, not only do I desire the knowledge but also from where the knowledge originated. The diversity within me lies in the way I respect not only racial, sexual and religious diversity, but also diverse views on knowledge, behavior and opinions. Combining these observed differences, I create an identity for myself that continues to grow during every experience that I find enlightening. CU-Boulder can gain much from my non-conventional approach to life. I feel my commitment and desire to explore will carry me to new heights at CU-Boulder.

Due to my need to uncover all the viewpoints before beginning to form a solution, I have always liked teacher assigned lab partners. For me, it is better to sit with someone that is your complete opposite rather than a close friend who shares similar views. In particular, my eleventh grade Honors Physics lab partner and I were very different from one another. I was a liberal, outgoing person, and she a more conservative individual. Through the first semester, our contrasting views helped us both get excellent grades. In no time at all, my partner and I began talking to one another outside of class. At that time I started to better understand her personal views and standpoints. Later that year I began to realize certain views of mine had also changed, and through her I acquired new knowledge.

During my visits to CU-Boulder I have met a variety of students and staff that ideally will provide new perspectives to me. I hope to not just gain textbook knowledge from my college experience, but am also looking forward to new challenges. Past interactions and experiences have shaped the person that I have become and I look forward to such opportunities in the future.