This is the first draft of my Common App Personal Statement. I would really appreciate any grammar, syntax, or structure critiques you can give. Thank you!
I woke up, almost mechanically, as I had done every weekday prior. Yet, this morning I was more hesitant to spend my day vapidly, unaware of the purposes of my actions. My mind was held captive by my English teacher's proposition to escape society's preconceptions and venture out to discover the true nature of our being. The inspiration for the proposal stemmed from the pursuit of consciousness in the novel, Walden, in which Henry David Thoreau presents the demand for individual self-awareness. I understood that my teacher's challenge was intended to be hypothetical, presented merely to provoke intellectual discussion; however, it had planted the seed of curiosity in my mind and like a Valley Oak acorn during the first rain of the season, that seed took root in my soul and grew rapidly in my conscience. This morning I broke free from the mechanical routine and chose to literally go to the woods, not in hopes of reliving Thoreau's own experience, but in hopes of creating my own.
I have always felt at home when surrounded by trees and soil; beauty in its most simplistic form. Perhaps this is because nature allows us to escape from the perils of industrialization. We allow ourselves to become vulnerable to the poison that is human disposition; we become too caught up in what society expects from us and concentrate too heavily on how to manipulate the fate of our futures. Yet, when alone in nature, there are no expectations and the future is nothing but an inevitable force. The focus becomes entirely on the present and your mind is let free to wander aimlessly through the depths of life that surround you.
So as I ventured into the woods today, I guarded my mind from the world I was leaving and for a few hours surrendered it to the mysterious environment around me. I searched for the facts of life in the yucca plants, the purpose of our existence in the oak leaves, what life has to teach us in the sycamores. Yet, these wise natives turned me in a direction I was not expecting. I skipped school to discover the true meaning of my life and subsequently found that the path toward discovery is, in fact, the true meaning. My story is not already written, it is only a few chapters through. However, the sacrifices I make to write my story are what give my life a purpose. I believe that, ironically, we live in order to die with a story. We follow Thoreau's footsteps into the woods, or wherever our heart leads us, and we discover on our own how our story will be written.
Grammatically, it's perfect. You vary your sentence structure nicely, and I didn't notice anything that sounded too choppy or too lengthy.
I think this is very well written. Your thinking is very deep and as a result your voice sounds very serious and introspective. If that's who you are, then that's fine. Just be careful not to sound too sappy.
twinsbaseball
First of all, thank you for taking the time to actually read and respond to this. Are you referring to "sappy" as in too emotional or more in the sense of exaggeration? I will definitely try to weed out whichever one came across to you.
Gotta say, I was really touched by this essay. It sort of carried me through, and I was able to "feel" what you felt, and think the way you think. Can't really find any grammatical/syntax-related errors, but I would suggest you sort of "water down" the aspect of the "perils of industrialization". While you may really feel that way about it, someone else may feel that you are being a hypocrite because you grew up in an industrialized society, you enjoy its benefits, and then you talk about how bad it is. I would focus more specifically on what it is about industrialized society that you didn't like. Obviously you don't feel that everything about industrialized society is bad because you were introduced to Walden by your teacher, who is part of an educational system created by society. Try not to use too many generic phrases. Great job!
Very cool. In the first para, it would be good to quote thoreau or mention a particular concept other than just the overarching concept of Walden to which you referred. Quote him, or reference a particular part of Walden.
Then... at the end I think this needs a semi-colon:
My story is not already written, it is only a few chapters through. --- instead of a comma, a semi-colon.
And... let's see what the conclusion of it all is:
I believe that, ironically, we live in order to die with a story. We follow Thoreau's footsteps into the woods, or wherever our heart leads us, and we discover on our own how our story will be written.--- so it is about self-determination and slef-discovery. That is good, but it raises another question... where is your heart (maybe choose a word not as cliched as heart) leading you? Can you give yet another revelation at the end? Add a sentence at the end! :-)
Hey, I think the emotion in your essay is great.
I read this a second time and it didn't come off quite as dramatic as it had the first time.
For whatever reason, it's just this part that seems like you're trying a little to hard: "This morning I broke free from the mechanical routine and chose to literally go to the woods, not in hopes of reliving Thoreau's own experience, but in hopes of creating my own." It's a great sentence, it just sounds a little bit...forced.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, then just ignore my opinion. Your essay is good with or without that sentence.
I guess you need a stronger ending...and this first draft is pretty short
