Undergraduate / "Music is my passion; being a violinist" - elaborate on an extracurricular activity. [9]

Try to start with something like this instead [made modifications].

"Music is my life, my passion. I feel as if it has been a part of me since the day I was born. Starting the piano at age three and the violin at age five, music has played a key role in my life."

I think by 'thought' you mean 'taught' ?

The things you said are kind of vague, such as assertions. You should try and mention HOW music has taught you the rewards of working hard and made you realize how you can push yourself further.

You could say something about HOW music has 'played a big role in your life'.
Provide EXAMPLES of the 'many things' you were taught while learning the violin.

There are also some grammatical errors. I suggest the following improvements.

"BEING a member of several different orchestras..."
"Although I have stopped taking piano lessons FORMALLY, I still play IT AT church."
"... perform alone, in a quartet or in a larger group setting, AS WELL AS IN AN orchestra."

I hope some of my advice helps you. I really think you need to revise what you have written, and try to replace the assertions with more examples and substance. The passage can be improved a lot if you work on it hard enough.

Good luck. :)