kingbill21
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "my dream to become a nurse" - Rutger Application Essay; a vibrant community [6]
Hey, I just got accepted to Rutgers-Newark, so I think I should be able to help you out pretty well. Your essay is also somewhat similar to mine, so it will be easy to compare the two.
I like what you are trying to say, but I will only focus on the problems with your essay. First of all, at the beginning, you say "Throughout the years I was in school, I worked hard towards my goal of becoming a nurse." but then you said nothing about that at all in your essay. Try not to leave the reader left out; provide the details.
To be frank, the whole paragraph that starts with "Rutgers is filled with not only people that are from different cultures but people with their own experiences." is useless. It does not explain at all how those experiences helped you grow as a person. You say that it gave you experience, but I don't really know whether it was useful at all for you. If you want to talk about this, explain HOW these experiences are important; don't just list them.
In my essay, I focused on just one thing: my culture. I think that it would be easier to focus on just one thing, than on a variety of things. The Chinese culture that you brought up is very nice, but you should elaborate on that a LOT because it would be really good. My advice would be that you should focus your essay on that.
Sorry if I bashed you or anything, but I hope you take it as constructive criticism. :)
Good Luck!
Hey, I just got accepted to Rutgers-Newark, so I think I should be able to help you out pretty well. Your essay is also somewhat similar to mine, so it will be easy to compare the two.
I like what you are trying to say, but I will only focus on the problems with your essay. First of all, at the beginning, you say "Throughout the years I was in school, I worked hard towards my goal of becoming a nurse." but then you said nothing about that at all in your essay. Try not to leave the reader left out; provide the details.
To be frank, the whole paragraph that starts with "Rutgers is filled with not only people that are from different cultures but people with their own experiences." is useless. It does not explain at all how those experiences helped you grow as a person. You say that it gave you experience, but I don't really know whether it was useful at all for you. If you want to talk about this, explain HOW these experiences are important; don't just list them.
In my essay, I focused on just one thing: my culture. I think that it would be easier to focus on just one thing, than on a variety of things. The Chinese culture that you brought up is very nice, but you should elaborate on that a LOT because it would be really good. My advice would be that you should focus your essay on that.
Sorry if I bashed you or anything, but I hope you take it as constructive criticism. :)
Good Luck!
