Undergraduate / Bugs Bunny - different from other popular characters (Common App Essay) [9]

This essay in interesting, its a great idea and its fairly well executed. My main bit of feedback would be that you need to ground your essay more.

The goal of a good essay (at least this sort of essay) is to propose interesting ideas and provide relevant examples (grounding the essay). You provide examples of Bugs Bunny but none of YOURSELF. I would add a part of your essay where you discuss a specific example of when Bugs Bunny example has influenced your actions. This will make your essay much, much stronger. College essays are about you, and by tying back and grounding the essay in your own experiences the reader will become much more involved and your abstract paper will become directly relevant.

I rarely stress advice this much but I'm positive that your essay will be much better if you add this example.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "a student suitable for a large university" - BU supplement. Too offensive? [4]

Your essay is fine, save the beginning.
Your intro (what you hope to accomplish in each of your years at BU) is simply detrimental to your essay. Its not serious but it fails to be a real joke that would endear you to the admissions committee. I know its not what you were hoping to hear but cut that part of your essay and make another hook.

Writing Feedback / The effects of using computer everyday on children [6]

You need to take a stronger stance in this essay.

I'm assuming its an essay which has a persuasive component to it, and you qualify so much in your conclusion that it takes what is essentially no stance at all. You need to find a side you agree more with, or arguments from one side you can cut down. Right now this essay doesn't really SAY anything, which is the greatest sin an essay can commit.

Undergraduate / "witty, impulsive, principled, and curious" -Stanford Short- bad form to use a joke? [7]

Yeah, that's pretty much my thinking. I just feel like there's so many kids submitting so many of the same boring five word answers.

Alright KHuang, I think that's a solid point and your right. Its a little overdone. I'mma cut it down. Thank you.

Also thanks for posting, your a pal.

Undergraduate / "Helping others may be the greatest gift" law school personal statement [3]

I should preface this by saying that I'm applying to undergraduate programs right now, and as such don't know that much about graduate school application, but here's my feedback:

This is a good essay. Although I would change your first sentence, it jumps out more then anything else in the essay as unnecessarily wordy. It doesn't sound natural and feels like its been twisted and tweaked to sound more intellectual, I would rewrite it more conversationally. While this academic writing can be useful in showing off vocabulary or intelligence, it shouldn't be your first sentence and should be kept to a minimum throughout the essay.

The other thing I noticed was that your essay becomes better as you read. It seems like you picked up steam and became more comfortable with the prompt. Things read easier and more pleasantly and your statements pack more emotional punch. I might go back and rewrite your first few paragraphs now that you know exactly what you're writing about and seem more comfortable with the question and prompt, but that's no guarantee to better results.

Best of luck

Undergraduate / "my first time at the flea market" - Cornell College of Arts & Sciences : Economics [4]

First off I would clarify your fathers interaction with the flea market, was he a customer or a owner? Its not a huge deal but it left me feeling a little confused at the beginning of your essay which is never a good way to open up.

Besides this I would re-examine your conclusion. Its good in that it is specific, shows interest, and ties you as a person to the school, but it completely lacks emotional appeal. You have an interesting and kind of cute anecdote to run with and I feel like you could very easily tie it into your conclusion to make it more personal, emotional, and lasting. Focus on appealing to pathos there and your essay will be much more satisfying and powerful to read.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

This essay, especially your intro, is bogged down in psychological theory.

While it useful to "name-drop" to demonstrate your familiarity with the subject the extended discussion of Erickson's stages of development does very little for your essay as a whole and only establishes you as a person in broad strokes and terms. Your essay gets much better when you talk about your own experiences and observations, you should try to make this essay more personal.

Its clear you have a passion for the subject, and you convey that more clearly and effectively in an essay. Focus on tying it back to yourself and specific experiences and ideas that center around YOU, not Erickson.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / "to discover the personality of a college" - Vassar Supplement [5]

Having just finished this essay I can testify to the fact that its hard to fit what you want to say in 500 characters. This isn't a perfect essay, but considering the tiny amount of space provided its far more than adequate. Assuming you have a strong common application essay I think that you'll be fine and shouldn't worry about submitting this.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / How you first knew about BU and what steps did to improve your knowledge? Short essay [3]

Well this is a... bizarre question, but one you answer well. While this answer doesn't really jump out as brimming with personality or creativity there's no doubt that you answered the question and the prompt. My one bit of advice would be to try to spruce up your conclusion, talk about why BU appeals to you or what struck you about it. This will give the answer some more voice and give the admissions officer a better sense of you.

Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

"in a have-not part of the city" While I sort of like this idiom you'd probably be better off saying, "impoverished" or even just "poorer" less is almost always more.

Other then that this second draft is vastly better then your first. Its a good essay and I think you've done exactly what I asked. I have very little left to say besides best of luck on your applications.

Undergraduate / "From a remote Canadian town to Columbia University" - Supp - Why Columbia? [8]

You not only addressed the prompt, you blew it away. This is a fantastic essay for such a short answer. I'm not just saying that because I'm one of those people who likes to post a lot of short, unthoughtful out answers either. This is well-written, personal, interesting, and a little bit charming. You did damn good.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

I mean, more of your essay is certainly devoted to showcasing your commitment to psychology, but I don't think its a bad thing.

Even though its about their school it gets pretty boring to just read about the SAME reasons people want to attend these schools. Your well-explained interest helps define you as well as characterize and help define your interest in the school, so I'd say it helps you in both ways. This is a good essay and they'd be stupid to over analyze it to the point where it wasn't. I think you'll be fine.

Writing Feedback / The effects of using computer everyday on children [6]

Glad I could help :) Best of luck on your essay mate.

Undergraduate / "I will feast on an extravagant meal" - interest of study, my essay for Georgetown [3]

This is a good essay, and our pal Mr. Erickson is making another appearance. My advice for this essay is similar to that I gave you for your last prompt, although to a much lesser degree. This is already a good essay and the only problem I might have with it is it does tend to dabble more in the intellectual and abstract then the grounded and emotional; that being said, it dwells in the intellectual and abstract very well.

I would consider adding a anecdote (if you the word limit allows) with more emotion. If that isn't the case then I would probably call it good, this essay is solid and a major reworking of it to make it "more emotional" is honestly not worth the time.

I won't be able to give you any more feedback on your essays until next Sunday (which is presumably after deadline) collegegirl 24, I'll be in an area without computers. I'll try to get on and look it over if you make any edits, but as far as I go your most likely on your own from here out.

But don't worry, your essays are good. Best of luck mate.