Undergraduate / Wind Chimes and Dancing - UC Prompts [4]

Prompt #2:

It was in the summer of 2009 .
Dont open with "it". Say something like "A major event in my life happened in the summer of 2009". Be specific right off the bat.

I was just about ready to enter my junior year at high school and I had been practicing dance for more than five years at that time.

"I was about to enter junior year at high school, with around five years of dance lessons."
Something like that. Don't use unneeded words.

I looked around at my dance peers, most were younger than me but our skill level in ballet dancing was about the same. The fact that most were younger than me yet we all had about the same skill level was not at all self-degrading. I realized this as I watched them go across the floor, demonstrating the current dance move that my teacher shouted out: these girls have been practicing dance since they were toddlers and I've only been in dance for five years, hey, that's pretty good!

Something like this :
Though most of my dance peers were younger than me, our skill level in ballet was about the same. However, this was not discouraging at all when I realized something as I watched them demonstrating the current dance move that my teacher shouted out: These girls have been practing dance since they were toddlers while I've only been in dance for five years. I thought to myself, "Hey, that's pretty good!"

self-degrading isn't a good word choice.

Anyway, I could not do it. Every time I tried, my leg would turn out in some overly awkward way and my arms, which could have been used to propel my turn, only served one purpose - to catch my fall.

Combine these.
Every time I tried to do it, my leg would turn out in some overly awkward way and my arms, which could have been used to propel my turn, only served one purpose - to catch my fall.

From this, it can be assumed that you couldn't do it.

One day, when my teacher called out a fouetté, my usual pessimistic response was said, "I can't do it."
Use active voice.
One day, when my teacher called out a fouetté, I responded in my usual pessimistic voice, "I can't do it."

Then, my dance friend.
"dance friend" sounds awkward. Say something like "My friend from dance"

It opened up my eyes to the realization that "trying" to do something and "wanting" to do something were two entirely different sayings.

Things, not sayings.

It made me realize that I could control my future if I really applied myself to everything that I did.
Take out "that"

Schoolwork, SATs, tests; almost everything became reasonably easier as I realized this insight .
Schoolwork, tests, and almost everything else became reasonably easier with my new insight.
SATs are tests. The sentence wasn't structured well. Comma, not semicolon.

I know that this motto that persuaded me to practice fouettés will carry me far into life - past high school and past college.

Good sentence idea, but you need to really reword this one.
Maybe something like:
I know that my new motto will carry me far through life, past high school, college, and whatever may come after.
Use this one if you like it.

One more thing, you might not want to use accented letters in your statements. Just write "fouette". No need for the accented e. The adcoms aren't looking for special formatting. If the word HAS to be spelled with the accented e, then ignore what I said.

Anyways, I liked this one a bit more than the previous one, but make sure to fix up all that grammer. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Wind Chimes and Dancing - UC Prompts [4]

He lived alone in a single-story, house in South El Monte with a rundown swing set and hundreds of wind chimes that nearly encompassed the entire deck area of his backyard.

(you don't need the comma there)

Their cacophonous rhythm entirely annoyed me whenever the wind blew. (I don't think you need "entirely" there).

This is why when my father decided to put up a few of his own wind chimes in our backyard I asked him, "Why the wind chimes?" with a short, aggravated tone .

I don't think this sentence sounds very good. Something like "When my father put up his own wind chimes in the backyard, I asked him, in a harsh, angry tone, "Why the wind chimes?"

(It's understandable that you hated them, no need to say "This is why") Also, this is very unclear. Are you talking about your father or grandfather? From the previous sentences, it seems like grandfather, but make it clear who your talking about.

memorabilia, including his chimes. (you need a comma here).

My father, of course, took most of the assortment as they now reside on the perimeter of our backyard gazebo and perform the loud-sounding ring that fills our house with the typical offbeat routine.

Be more direct. You dont need "of course" and the sentence is fine without "on the perimeter of". Try to avoid being too wordy. Something like "My father took most of the assortment, as they now reside on our backyard gazebo, performing the loud, offbeat ring that fills our house."

I soon realized that the wind chimes reminded my father of his hardships he encountered as a first-generation American from Mexico and of the special bond he shared with his father. (no need for "he encountered").

and I, too, (no need for the comma after "I").

I thought it was pretty good, but you need to get to the point a little faster. I'm no professional so don't take these suggestions as complete and utter truth, but I think I pointed out the main grammer issues.

I'll do the second statement later on, since I'm writing my own as well.