azizi
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "a descendant of Cyrus the Great" #1- the world you have come from [6]
Great job overall! I like the overall theme of your essay.
A few suggestions for you:
1) It would really grab the reader's attention if you emphasized you not having the advantage due to your religion--- maybe you can dramatize it a bit and illustrate it as a story. How did you find out about the boy? Describe the situation... how did you feel?
2) You use "I" a bit too much--- you should consider revising some of the sentences.
Think about an overall theme for your story and connect the introduction to your conclusion. You have a very interesting story here (being Iranian and coming to the US) so use that to your advantage. The person reading your essay wants to learn more about you and see how you ARE different.
It's also always better to show than tell... for example instead of writing "I am a hard working student", one can write about how he/she stays in the library until late. OR instead of saying "I am an advocate for change"... one should indirectly show what they have done. This would be both effective and genuine.
movafagh baashid hamvataneh aziz :)
Great job overall! I like the overall theme of your essay.
A few suggestions for you:
1) It would really grab the reader's attention if you emphasized you not having the advantage due to your religion--- maybe you can dramatize it a bit and illustrate it as a story. How did you find out about the boy? Describe the situation... how did you feel?
2) You use "I" a bit too much--- you should consider revising some of the sentences.
Think about an overall theme for your story and connect the introduction to your conclusion. You have a very interesting story here (being Iranian and coming to the US) so use that to your advantage. The person reading your essay wants to learn more about you and see how you ARE different.
It's also always better to show than tell... for example instead of writing "I am a hard working student", one can write about how he/she stays in the library until late. OR instead of saying "I am an advocate for change"... one should indirectly show what they have done. This would be both effective and genuine.
movafagh baashid hamvataneh aziz :)
