This is my first draft to answer the prompt Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Did i answer the question? How can i make it better?
I am a descendant of Cyrus the Great who was the creator of the first declaration of human rights. I am from the world where I have seen the beauty, despair, betrayal, and glory. I was raised in a place where it has been the shade for travelers, conqueror, lords, and poor. I am from a generation that has only heard about peace and greatness in Iran, but has not seen it by its own eyes; a generation that is hungry to be recognized and have a positive impact on the world. I am one of the few fortunate young passionate students, that has got educated parents, to shape her aspirations and give it a pleasant color by sacrificing and coming to the land of opportunities and dreams.
I was my parent's first and only child. At home, I was living in a perfect world that could be the dream of many children. A warm, determined, loving and affectionate atmosphere was all I could see, until I started to go to school. Just then my eyes started to open to the real world that I was living in and was suppose to have a future in. When I was applying for honors middle schools in Iran, I found out that a Muslim boy had an advantage over me, a Zoroastrian girl, for getting into that school. I realized that I am trying to achieve my goals in a country which gender and religion are the two primary aspects that determine succession. Living in that disadvantaged, despair condition not only made me more passionate about my dreams but helped me to get to a place where I could be advantageous. It was that time, when my family realized despite my skills, Iran was not the country that I could succeed in, so we moved to United States in the year 2007.
Although coming to United States my world changed, but aspiration stated the same; My desire to become a helpful individual, my interest in the world of science and medicine, and my ambition to become a Dentist. I had watched my mom working in her office as a dermatologist and my dad working in a hospital as a physical therapist, but none of those jobs were as amazing to me as when I shadowed Dr.Zakeri, an Orthodontist, work with patients to give them a beautiful smile. And now that I am in this country and have the opportunity, I want to peruse this dream.
My opinion/corrections..
Although coming to United States my world changed...
Although coming to the United States changed my world, my aspiration STAYED the same.
MY SHOULD not be capitalized. Also ":" should replace the ";" since your defining it.
I suggest not starting with "AND" in a sentence.
Peruse? do you mean Pursue?
I feel like some of the sentences are run ons. (review it carefully again)
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The general idea of this essay is good but you should focus on making the sentences flow a bit nicer. ( i'm not sure how to describe it >.<)
Great job overall! I like the overall theme of your essay.
A few suggestions for you:
1) It would really grab the reader's attention if you emphasized you not having the advantage due to your religion--- maybe you can dramatize it a bit and illustrate it as a story. How did you find out about the boy? Describe the situation... how did you feel?
2) You use "I" a bit too much--- you should consider revising some of the sentences.
Think about an overall theme for your story and connect the introduction to your conclusion. You have a very interesting story here (being Iranian and coming to the US) so use that to your advantage. The person reading your essay wants to learn more about you and see how you ARE different.
It's also always better to show than tell... for example instead of writing "I am a hard working student", one can write about how he/she stays in the library until late. OR instead of saying "I am an advocate for change"... one should indirectly show what they have done. This would be both effective and genuine.
movafagh baashid hamvataneh aziz :)
