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Posts by MT18
Joined: Nov 27, 2010		 Last Post: Dec 26, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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MT18   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / I'm playing golf..typical? your extra curricular [11]

"...America made me even love the sport more." -> made me love the sport even more
The topic is great, but it sounds to me that you are happy more about leaving Korea and coming to America (which is great too, I moved here as well), but I think you should talk about how golf has given you certain qualities and elaborate on those. You said it gave you patience, but how has it given you patience and how can you use these skills for your future and in college. I hope this helps! :)
MT18   
Nov 28, 2010
Poetry / "chasing time often" - My first poetry (If this can be called as poetry) [8]

It's very good from my perspective...i'm not a poetry expert though

With every breath you take,my heart is lit up with impeccable life.
Thought I was born to this endless darkness until you lit up my shore with eternal luminance.

you use lit up twice and I suggest you changed one of them. I really liked the "lit up my shore..." so maybe the first lit up change to somehting else such as "beats with impeccable life"

but as EF Kevin said you ahev poetic license so you can keep it anyway you like
MT18   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "to design it my way" - Brown University Supplement Essay [3]

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?

When I was 5, I was given paper, pencils, and crayons to make my own drawings. When I was 11 my school gave me ice-cream and a table of toppings to choose from to make our very own sundae. When I was 16, I was part of a club that I helped lead and make a change. Today, I am given a school of beauty and prestige, diversity and history, and freedom and opportunity. Brown University will provide me with the supplies I need for my future, but will allow me to design it my way. I will be able to study under the Division of Biology and Medicine and find my specific area of interest. Although I have a deep love for science, I am still quite intrigued by history and art. With Brown I can combine my interests for a unique program of study. Having my service projects be a big influence on my life, the Swearer Center is an ideal place to work with others and take action. My life has always been about independence and individualism. I belong in a place that lets me create my own drawings, make my own sundaes, and be a leader. I belong at Brown University.

I would really appreciate some feedback if it answered the prompt, made sense, and is grammatically correct. Also it has to be 1000 characters and I am about 60 characters over so I need help makign it shorter. Thank you! :)
MT18   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Volunteering at the 4-H Fair" - Extracurricular activities brief [7]

Thanks swtlildee for your advise
I tried shortenign my essay and cutting some things out. Does it sound any better? Any suggestions from others is great! Thank you

"Two hotdogs and one sausage!" I shout out and then rush past the other waiters to get my customer's order. I remember when I first started volunteering here at the 4-H Fair two summers ago. Having no experience, I was anxious. However, I put my best foot forward. With each new order, I learned to be efficient, communicate with the other volunteers, and keep customers satisfied.

Now, my second summer here, my charisma and leadership skills allowed me more important roles such as training new volunteers, checking on supplies, and I being promoted to work the sausage stand.

It is rush hour now but the chaos is not holding me back. Instead it fuels my passion and enthusiasm to work harder. This experience gave me a glimpse of the real world with dedicated and independent people. I now see how hard my parents had to work to support their family.
MT18   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Yale short answers - from the why to the personal question [6]

I really enjoyed your answers, but I agree with swtlildee, you can expand more on your first answer.
Grammatical fix;
"Yet, I was mainly persuaded me to apply is its reputation of academic excellence..."

I would reword that like:
"Yet, what has mainly persuaded me to apply is its reputation of academic excellence..."
MT18   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Volunteering at the 4-H Fair" - Extracurricular activities brief [7]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences for Common App
I would really appreciate some feedback if it made sense adn answered the prompt. Also any grammar mistakes. It has to be 150 words adn I am 50 words above, but i don't know what to cut out. thank you!

"Two hotdogs and one sausage!" I shout out and then rush past the other waiters to get my customer's order. I remember when I first started volunteering here at the 4-H Fair two summers ago. I heard about it from my school's Key Club and was told I would be a waitress. Having no experience, I was very nervous with a million thoughts racing my mind. "What if I get the order wrong?" Will I remember where the hotdog buns are?"

However I put on a confident smile and each new order taught me good work habits.
Now, my second summer here, my charisma and leadership skills allowed me more important roles. I was put in charge to train the new volunteers, check on the supplies, and I was also promoted to work at the sausage stand.

Grease splatters on my face as I wait next to the stove for the hotdogs.
It is rush hour with many waiting customers. Still none of the chaos seems to hold me back. Instead it fuels my passion and enthusiasm to work harder, lead and help the others get our job done. I am looking forward to next summer.

"Here is your order ma'am. Have a nice day."

P.S. I wanted to add that the money raised was being donated to Children's Specialized Hospital, but not sure where to put that or if I should put it at all. Thank you!
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