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Posts by lalala5077
Joined: Nov 27, 2010
Last Post: Nov 27, 2010
Threads: 1
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From: United States of America

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lalala5077   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Opportunitistic Experiences"- UC Undergrad Essay 1 [3]

For your intro, you could use an anecdote or metaphor about your upbringing to grab the audience.

Helping out my father in his restaurant, I observed the complicated work he encountered to support our family's privileged lifestyle

Try not to use the word "it"

I understood that by getting a job that uses more "brains" than hard labor, I will have to take advantage of the knowledge I learned from well-represented schools and friends within my social network.

Well-represented is a vague word; try "prestigious", if that's what you're going for

Also, the last paragraph doesn't fit with the rest of the essay; seems like you just threw it in there.

Otherwise, your content is strong, but grammar needs work. Watch your tenses. Keep it up!
lalala5077   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and Corduroy, Laura's world and dreams [4]

Prompt # 1 - Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Any help would be great! I'm not quite sure how to end this essay. Also, I hate writing about myself.

"Laura, turn off the lights!" my mom grumbled, in a sleep-induced haze. "But, the Chamber has been reopened and Harry must save-," I said excitedly, before she flipped a switch leaving me in utter darkness and silence. Every night, my mom and I would reach this familiar crossroad: she wanted to sleep, I wanted to read. Nevertheless, I would put down my book and fall asleep dreaming about the novel I would pore over the next day.

From an early age, I harbored an obsession for reading. However, my mom was the person who fostered my love of reading. Before I could walk or talk, my mother, who read at a second-grade level, would patiently sound out the words of Corduroy by Don Freeman to me, as I gawked at the colorful illustrations. As a toddler, my mom and I would read bed time stories together before I went to bed. By the time I reached elementary school, I had far surpassed my classmates in terms of reading level, as well as my mom. During recess, I would bury myself in the latest mystery novel, while I waited in line to play four square. I was going through children's classics and chapter books at a rapid speed. Soon, I was reading to my mom, instead of vice-versa. Sensing my urgency to read, my mom would bring me to the local library, every week, to borrow books and fulfill my endless desire to read. Going to the library was the only chance we had to spend time together because my mom, in addition to working a full-time job, had to complete her familial and domestic duties at home. At the end of the day, however, she would still muster up enough energy to crack open a book with me.

My mom's determination to instill me with a sense of literacy has encouraged me to not only excel academically, but also to pursue my passion for literature. Since entering high school, I have taken as much English and history classes possible to satiate my hunger for words and letters. During my junior year, I took the AP Language and Composition course, in which I discovered that my love of reading had transferred into a talent for writing. My English teacher lauded me for my well-crafted, insightful essays, as well as the deep critical thinking I displayed during class seminars. Often, my mom would ask me to recite my essays out loud to her, though she could not comprehend a single word.

Realizing the extent of my mom's illiteracy-and the plight of literacy in America, I have enrolled my mom in ESL classes, so she can improve her literacy of the English language and she is making wonderful progress. Furthermore, I have decided to pursue a career in public policy-combining my love of literature with my fondness for democracy. Working in the government sector, I hope to address the epidemic of illiteracy in our country by implementing programs to increase literacy in people of all ages and directing government funding towards two vital institutions-libraries and schools.
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