Undergraduate / (Volunteering, fired because of the view of party, Mongolia) UC intended major [6]

"The girl from Mongolia where democracy just planted about 20 years ago, it was one of the biggest opportunity and maybe loose."
this sentence is grammatically wrong...instead of the girl from mongolia...you should write for a girl from mongolia...and what did you mean by maybe loose?

"Because I was just high school graduate who graduated with honor diploma who just got accepted to enter one of the biggest University of Humanity in Mongolia in political science major."

This is a fragment. This is just the same as "because there is a cloud"...you need to complete the sentence. Also, this is also a run-on...there are too much "who"

There are more grammatical mistakes in your essay. my suggestion is that you proof read it again