help me!
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
When I immigrated to United States in 2007, I was pretty much fascinated about an American culture. The girl from Mongolia where democracy just planted about 20 years ago, it was one of the biggest opportunity and maybe loose. Because I was just high school graduate who graduated with honor diploma who just got accepted to enter one of the biggest University of Humanity in Mongolia in political science major. But my brave decision brought me here in United States. My eyes reopened to the better education and better community. When I entered college my first ESL class teacher said America is the dream country no matter who you are, where you from, how tall or small you are when you put your goal and try your best in order to achieve it your dream will come true. Her first typical this few sentences was inspired and strengthened me because I was given up my dream work because of my language barrier. I see people on street in America not because of government fault but when I was in active member at student government at my high school back in Mongolia. With a charity club we delivered food and clothes to homeless children and poor people. While volunteering, I met this homeless doctor who lost his job not because of laziness either his lack of education, but because of government where corruption is rampant. There are so many educated Mongolians are living in the street. When I was fourth grade, my classmate said her mother fired because of her political view, she was not a politician but she was just head master of municipal hospital but because of communist party won the election. As a middle school kid I was worried about my single mother who was the head master of my school because she was a member of Democratic Party. How unfair it was. Because of this unfair political system in Mongolia I wanted to know more about politics and law I started my first volunteer at amnesty international human rights organization. Volunteering at Amnesty international gave me an opportunity to understand bite knowledge about human right and law knowledge about Mongolia as well as other foreign countries. Because of lack of knowledge about law so may people lost their life I had understood it during my volunteer at AI. At Amnesty international I used to translate one part of wire magazine; it helped me to explore and know about foreign countries and how in other countries law works and doesn't work etc. After two weeks later in America I started work in American restaurant gave me huge change in my life, it helped me know about this country culture, and the language. Back in Mongolia, it is very hard to find a job if you are college student. Working in restaurant I was dealing with so many people with different characteristics, it helped me to express myself, and to learn about others.
"The girl from Mongolia where democracy just planted about 20 years ago, it was one of the biggest opportunity and maybe loose."
this sentence is grammatically wrong...instead of the girl from mongolia...you should write for a girl from mongolia...and what did you mean by maybe loose?
"Because I was just high school graduate who graduated with honor diploma who just got accepted to enter one of the biggest University of Humanity in Mongolia in political science major."
This is a fragment. This is just the same as "because there is a cloud"...you need to complete the sentence. Also, this is also a run-on...there are too much "who"
There are more grammatical mistakes in your essay. my suggestion is that you proof read it again
Thank you so much! :) I will improve it!
When I immigrated to United States in 2007, I was excited about learning in this culture.
I grew up in Mongolia in a time when a totalitarian regime was ending and democracy was beginning to rise; I felt the effects of both worlds.
In elementary school, I was young and bright but it dawned on me that the world wasn't right. I remember in fourth grade a friend whose mother was fired due to (explain). I became worried because my mother was single and the head of the household. If something were to happen to her, it would destroy the stability we had. Because of having a horrible political system, I felt the need to better understand how politics worked so I could try and change this country for the better.
In high school, I studied diligently and made the most of the activities that were available. I became part of the student government which improved my understanding as to how governments work. I helped out a charity that was made for the purpose of helping homeless children and poor people. Due to the corruption in government, many people were homeless and poor. Understanding of how rampant the corruption was becoming, I decided to volunteer with Amnesty International to learn about what I can do to help my country right away. I learned with AI the different laws and rights Mongolians had, and also the political structure of other countries in the world including the United States. As I graduated from high school with an honors diploma, I went on to the University of Humanity in Mongolia majoring in political science.-What I have done here is rearranged your thoughts so it can sound linear and chronological. A story is best told straight. If you don't like it, then its okay. The bottom chunk I didn't do b/c I don't have time but what I was thinking is for you to fit it all together. Hope it helps
"But my brave decision brought me here in United States. My eyes reopened to the better education and better community. When I entered college my first ESL class teacher said America is the dream country no matter who you are, where you from, how tall or small you are when you put your goal and try your best in order to achieve it your dream will come true. Her first typical this few sentences was inspired and strengthened me because I was given up my dream because of my language barrier. After two weeks later in America I started work in American restaurant gave me huge change in my life, it helped me know about this country culture, and the language.
Working in restaurant I was dealing with so many people with different characteristics, it helped me to express myself, and to learn about others." -this is the "bottom chunk" I referenced; this is what you wrote. I cut out things that I felt were unnecessary. You should clean it up because there are some typos. Lastly you want to end strongly. Something like "Because of having to grow up in a country with a corrupt political system, I come to greatly appreciated America and all its liberty and wonder. I will use my experience and knowledge to elevate myself to become the best blah blah blah I want to be." will work.
I felt you have a good paper with great potential. Good luck :)
Thank you, so much!!!
Hi there,
You'll need to answer the question more clearly: What is your intended major? I think it's political science, but I'm not sure about that.
