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Posts by kawaiikoinu
Joined: Nov 30, 2010
Last Post: Nov 30, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "My recent mission and God-oriented trip to Germany" - Westmont Essay [3]

Thanks so much for reviewing my paper earlier. Here's returning the favor :)

I really do like your essay, it's simple and to the point. I feel like the focus of the essay should be more about you and your experiences rather than split between the German youth and yourself - you're the one applying for the school, not them.

You do answer the prompt somewhat, but I have a feeling you can expand more on your ending and touch more upon why or how you came to the conclusion that serving God is your deepest satisfaction. Good luck and best wishes!

kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mad, angry, and frustrated; my parents store" - Page 87 of my autobiography [4]

Off the top of my head, sorry. I don't know what's happened in your life, so I couldn't really say lol. If you have to worry about length in your piece, you should probably just take out the education part altogether, because otherwise I think it would take another section of story to work in the education bit.
kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Let's go to America! (my knowledge of the American culture began to expand) [3]

Although I had to change some of my customs of daily living, I was very excited to go to a new country.

I was afraid to make a mistake in front of ...
When I arrived at home, I began to cry because of ...

... and spent extra time helping me understand the language(Use the word "English," your use of "language" is a little too repetitive) . After that, my knowledge of the American culture began to expand as I spent time going to the library, visiting tourist sites, and seeing monuments of historical people and events.

This was a really nice piece. There were minor grammatical mistakes, but on a whole, it was perfect. If this is an essay, it feels a little short and you could most definitely expand on it. In your conclusion you mention you had to change your eating habits, your style, etc - give the reader more of your experiences concerning those changes.
kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Biology is my Intended Major - UC prompt for transfer applicants [3]

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Coming out of high school, it has always been my intention to major in biology, although initially I admit I had no real interest in the subject. Unlike the majority of my peers, I hadn't had that defining moment where I realized, "Wow, this is something I could do for the rest of my life." So when I graduated, I chose biology as my major for the sake of convenience. Not only was it something I was good at, but it was also a major that satisfied the ideals of my immigrant parents - the constantly growing field meant there would be no shortage of jobs, and as far as they knew, all jobs biology-related were lucrative.

Upon starting college, I dutifully took every class that was required for biology majors. I had enough interest in the subject to try my hardest in all my classes, but not enough to make any considerable effort to further my involvement with biology. However, my lackluster perception of my major began to change in October of 2009 when my grandma's health began to deteriorate rapidly. Eventually, she was going to different doctors or specialists at least twice a week. Concern for my grandma kept me completely involved in what was going on - I was present at most of the appointments so I could hear her diagnosis and get answers to questions directly from the doctor. In turn, it was my job to summarize and simplify the doctor's diagnosis so my other family members could understand.

Despite the grim circumstances, my curiosity began to spread from what her problem was, to a myriad of other things - how and why the doctors arrived at their conclusion, why they prescribed a certain medicine in certain dosages, how the medicine would affect my grandma and the side effects, etc. Something as simple as prescribing aspirin for a random pain took a huge amount of consideration. "She's taking potassium chloride for low blood pressure, but she's also taking a blood thinner to minimize the risks of clots from another medication. Aspirin is also a blood thinner, so I'm hesitant to prescribe it, especially since her blood pressure is still low..." Their process of deliberation fascinated me, and what I then eagerly recalled from my summer semester of biology supplemented my understanding of the doctors' diagnosis.

It was at that point that I finally had my defining moment; biology was something that I could see myself doing for the rest of my life, and loving it. Finding out what a patient's problem was based on chemical clues from their body, analyzing bodily fluids and tissues for abnormalities, researching the effects of medicines on the body and finding new ones - all the possibilities were exciting prospects to me. Between then and now, the continual news of new discoveries and the worsening of my grandma's condition (regretfully, she had a heart attack in February) has only strengthened my interest and resolve to major in biology.
kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mad, angry, and frustrated; my parents store" - Page 87 of my autobiography [4]

I'm sorry about the situation between your father and uncle, hopefully their relationship will improve soon.

Moving on to your piece, I'm sure you realize there are a few grammatical errors that need to be corrected. All in all, your piece was nice - it flows and your descriptions of the situation are good. Perhaps break it down into paragraphs because the large block of text is a little painful on the eyes. The only real problem I had with your piece was where you mentioned the importance of education. I'm not quite seeing how violence between family connects to getting an education; it feels like that little tidbit just came out of nowhere. I suggest you either expand on that part of your writing or you cut it out altogether.

kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / The meaning of success is complex and individuals define it to suit their personal achievements [2]

The genuine meaning of success is complex and individuals define it to suit their personal achievements. Success can simply be defined as the accomplishments that a person has achieved in life, or the opposite of failure to be precise.This makes it a misbelievecontradicts the belief that being successful solely dependdepends solely on earning a lot of money.

Firstly , lets take a look at the very wealthy hH ollywood stars and musicians.T hey make so much money, but are always invovleinvolved in one sandalscandal or the otheranother, like drug addiction, suicide, assault, and so on. WillWould they be considered a good example of successful personspeople ? Definitely not[ though making large amount of money is the password] (I don't quite understand the necessity of this phrase or what you're getting at) .[ Many make less money but they achieve their set goals and that is considered success.] (This seems like a sentence that belongs in your next paragraph)

Secondly , success can not be defined in relation to money.It deals more with the ability to live a life that is worth living and makes you to be happy. For example, my parents always consider themselves as being successful al[ though they are mediocre(perhaps "middle-classed" is the word you're looking to use?) . but theWhat little they earned was made so useful. The whole children were sent to school from this little payused to send all four of their children to school.T hey are proud to have a doctor son and a civi l engineer, while the other two are still in the university studying nursing and accountancy. Thinking about us gives them great joy and they always say it that they are the most successful people in the world.

In conclusion, true success has a lot more with happiness than with money and not only individuals that earn a lot are successful.

On the whole, I like your essay, it was very solid and the points you brought up were simple yet effective in making your point. Minor suggestion that maybe you take the last sentence of your second paragraph and make it the topic sentence of your third because it seems more befitting than what you originally have there. Also, you might want to make your thesis clearer and expand your conclusion which seems a little short.
kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / The knowledge we acquire outside of school is the most important. [2]

Nowadays, there are two opinions concernedconcerning the importance of school. [ Some hold that our most important lessons are learned from school. Meanwhile, some reckon that people gain most useful knowledge outside of school.] (combine these two sentences) In my opinion, school is playingplays one of the most important roles in people's acquirement of knowledge. Parents want children to have good education is pretty reasonable. However, people acquire most important knowledge, not from school, but from their social experience. (Your thesis could use a little clarity - at first it seems you are of the opinion that school is the most important place to gain knowledge, but then your last sentence contradicts it. Maybe something along the lines of, "Although school plays an important role in people's acquirement of knowledge, I believe people acquire the most important knowledge from their social experiences.")

I think you have the general idea of your essay down, and you do bring up good points, however focus more on the importance of knowledge outside of school and expand on it. Although school teaches us basic communication skills, i agree that these mean nothing if you don't learn how to act politely from your surroundings (knowledge gained outside of school). Your second paragraph which promotes the importance of school somewhat counters your thesis. I feel like you are writing more of a comparison essay by arguing both sides of the issue rather than just arguing for one. Lastly, for variety's sake, try to vary your sentence length. Don't be afraid to make longer sentences. All in all, your essay is off to a nice start :)
kawaiikoinu   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Publishing Volunteering Over the Summer - UC Prompt for all applicants [3]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

One summer, my mom learned about a volunteer project with Dharma Publishing Company. The company printed religious texts, then bound and wrapped them in a traditional Tibetan way for free distribution among monks participating in a ten-day ceremony/prayer for world peace. Approving of the cause, she promptly called the director of the project and managed to volunteer my services for the summer without my consent. Telling me about it only hours before I was supposed to start, I found myself stranded in front of an unfamiliar building as she sped off to work.

Being painfully shy, I was terrified to be stuck with a group of strangers. I walked in and out of the doorway several times before a woman appeared. With a thick German accent, she introduced herself as Stephanie, the director of the project. She guided me into a room, sat me down at a workbench, and proceeded to teach me how to bind and wrap the books. After confirming that I could do both tasks correctly, she left me happily working at my relatively isolated bench.

When I reached for another wrapper one hour later, I panicked when I realized I had run out. I had no idea where to get more, and there was no way I could pretend that the small stack of books I had wrapped took me four hours. I built up the courage to approach the nearest volunteer and timidly ask her where I could get extra wrappers. She kindly pointed out where the extra wrappers, extra books and the extra bands were, and once I had grabbed what I needed, she proceeded to join me at my bench. She chattered constantly and I soon found myself growing more and more comfortable in her presence. When lunch time came around, she introduced me to all the other volunteers, and by the end of the day, with her help I had managed to form a tentative acquaintance with everybody.

I continued volunteering there five days a week, and soon each day became something I began to look forward to rather than dread. The work was soothing, the atmosphere friendly, and I got to meet people from all around the world. I even found myself being the one to approach and introduce myself to the new volunteers on occasion.

Looking back on this experience, especially on that first day, I can't help but be proud of myself for sticking it out and overcoming my fear of strangers or of being the first one to make an approach. I sacrificed my time and stepped out of my comfort zone, but what I got in return was more than I could've imagined. I got the opportunity to try new foods, learn about different cultures and parts of the world, and I made a ton of new friends. This experience helped me find an inner confidence and gain a more open perspective of the world, both of which I now use in all walks of life.
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