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Posts by nmchale
Joined: Dec 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 4, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

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nmchale   
Dec 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Georgetown Essay "The Power of Determination" [5]

Powerful essay. Change your contractions though to full words- such is I've and other things. You definitely show how you have determination, but maybe shorten your essay for things have been repeated a few times.
nmchale   
Dec 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Community service; support for a person in need" - Weschester University Essay- 9-11 [3]

West Chester University seeks to enroll a diverse group of talented and well-rounded individuals. We want to learn more about you and the personal characteristics you can bring to the West Chester University community. Please share with us your involvement in one or more of the following areas: extra- or co-curricular activities, performing arts, community service, diversity, volunteerism, athletics, work, leadership positions you have held, awards received, or any other life experience that has had a significant impact on you.

We gravitated towards the Ferris wheel's bright lights in the distance, as we walked away from the beach house towards the main attractions of Long Beach Island. I focused on the sand grains falling from my worn flip-flops to take my mind off the awkward silence between him and I.

He had always been cold and reserved. I had known him for years; I had even stayed at a beach house with him. Through observations, I realized nothing broke through the solid walls he had put up around himself. Knowing this, I never pushed him into being my friend; instead, I waited until he was ready to let me in, although I doubted it would ever happen.

As we arrived at the hotdog shack, we ordered two chili-covered, cheese-drenched, island-famous, shipwreck dogs. I searched through my bag to collect the crumpled up bills left over from my birthday money. Although he argued that he would pay with money his mom gave him, I knew his pockets were filled with Pop Rocks, a receipt from the surf store, and a picture of his dad. He surrendered quickly. After all, he was only eleven at the time and I was soon to be sixteen.

He picked where to sit and ate his hotdog as if he had never seen food before, the usual manner of a pubescent boy. No words were spoken, and I started to regret even going; then, he started to speak about his dad.

"My dad used to make the best chili. No chili could compare to it," Aidan said. Although it was short, it was something.

"Really? That sounds delicious. I love chili. I thought my Nana made the best but you have me convinced," I replied, without letting the unsettling feeling I had inside about his dad being brought up shake my voice.

Mike's talk about the chili was just a transition into a conversation that lasted long after our hotdogs. He spoke in depth about his father, explaining how he wished he had more memories of him. As the sun started to set, we lost track of time; eventually, we were shocked back to reality by the darkness of the sky. Our walk back to the beach house was filled with stories and laughter about school and friends.

As soon as we entered, Mike's mom pulled me aside, "He wasn't rude, right? I told him to behave," she said. I explained to her how great it was, and how Mike mentioned his dad. She looked at me with a flabbergasted expression, and her eyes welled up with tears. In disbelief, she told me Mike never speaks in such depth about his father to those outside of his immediate family.

Then, a wave of realization washed over me. Mike did not dislike me; he was waiting to trust me. All these years, he held in these words, needing to say them to someone at some point. I did not know I was that someone. Yet, in retrospect, I understand why the innocent hotdog outing ended up being the perfect backdrop for his release.

Mike is just one member of the thirty-seven Port Authority Police Department families who lost officers in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.
I had been around Mike since I was in third grade, from wrapping and handing out Christmas presents to the widows and their children, to standing in a pew nearby at the annual church memorial service for the fallen officers. People define community service as taking action to help out those in their communities. They are usually aware when they are partaking in such services. I was not aware I was serving as a child, from one child to another, but now I know that simply being a friend, or being a support system for a person in need, is community service in itself.
nmchale   
Dec 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Self centered - Princeton - person who has influenced you [6]

You answer the question in a creative way, making yourself stand out which is excellent. When you speak about Darwin, possibly add quotes considering it is his words. Many students are going to have complex essays about people who have influenced them that are probably going to be heavy, yet you chose something light but really showed how it influenced your life, instead of telling. Well done, and I think the second essay you posted is better than the first one.
nmchale   
Dec 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Fashion and writing"- The Fashion Institute of Technology Admissions Essay [5]

The writing is extremely well done! Your essay is wonderful. However taking a more creative approach to answering the question would make you stand out even more. Many people trying to get into FIT probably have similar essays, explaining how they are the perfect candidates, you should take it one step ahead and show them how your a perfect candidate. Tell them a personal story and connect it to the question, it is something that will make you unique and rememberable.
nmchale   
Dec 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "to master the knowledge of the Communication" University of N. Carolina- Wilmington [2]

Reflecting on your personal and educational goals, please write about how you believe UNC Wilmington will allow you to grow as a student and as a person.

***(The School motto is "Discere Aude," which means dare to learn. I decided to take a creative outlook and focus my essay off of the school motto. )

Discere Aude. The English translation of this motto is, "Dare to learn." In the language of my life, such a statement means rigorously challenging myself to grow as a person. At the University of North Carolina: Wilmington, opportunities to develop academically and personally exist, which I will fearlessly welcome and wisely recognize as the pathway to my goals. As a student, I plan to be daring when utilizing my head and my heart to master the knowledge of my major, be a productive citizen in the student community, and represent the school in extraordinary ways, well beyond its classroom walls and campus grounds.

In order to master the knowledge of the Communications major, I plan to passionately conquer the curriculum. I will feverishly seek information from my esteemed professors, voluntarily extend my learning to resources outside of classroom lessons and books, and commit to the endless hours of diligence necessary to become a distinguished scholar in my field. I will continuously reflect on my progress to identify areas of strength and weakness. In turn, I will admit when I need for me to visit the University Learning Center for assistance and step up when I am able to provide aid to others. By daring to be honest with myself, willing to give and receive aid, and being active in the obtainment and open to knowledge, I will grow into someone who is capable of being successful later in life.

To be productive in the student community, I will become socially involved. My highest priority is befriending various types of people in order to gain numerous perspectives, some of which differ from my own. In addition, I plan to unite with my peers academically and recreationally, from being an active member of student organizations, such as the Communication Studies Society, to proudly supporting the Sea Hawks at sporting events and participating in club soccer. Diving daringly into the diverse pool of students will enable me to grow into a more well-rounded person who views issues from many angles and is open to exchanging ideas. Moreover, taking advantage of social opportunities will aid me in becoming an accepting and supportive student who is a team player.

In the community of Wilmington I will be sure to be the epitome of a student from the University of North Carolina: Wilmington -respectable, ambitious, sympathetic, intelligent, talented, and resourceful. I will proudly wear teal, gold, and navy blue while volunteering. Whether it is as simple as donating a gift for a holiday toy drive or as complex as organizing a fundraiser for a charity, I will offer the very best of myself. When I get an internship, I will be sure to implement what my professors have taught me to the highest degree. Furthermore, even when I am not noticeably identified as a student, I will carry myself in a way that showcases the incredible characteristics I am strengthening as a University of North Carolina: Wilmington student.

I will dare to learn. I will step up to challenges. I will not lie dormant and wait for opportunities of growth to find me. I will vigorously open up my mind and my heart to ensure optimal academic and personal growth. At the University of North Carolina: Wilmington, being bold will allow me to become my ideal self. Fear is not a word that I associate with very often, and I am ready to challenge myself in ways I never have in order to reach my goals.
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