Undergraduate / "I dropped my university instead" - Personal application /taking risk/ [5]

Q1: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Please help me. and be really critic about word choice, grammar mistake, confusion and even punctuation plz :) It's very urgent

Suddenly, from her bedroom, my mum called me. When I entered the room, she worriedly asked me as if something blocked her throat, "Are you attending your classes?" No answer. She went on to say, "I have just realized that you are not going to your university. You are doing excessively your TOEFL preparation, but not your class assignments. Also, you stay up late until dawn and get up at over 10 o'clock. Don't you have any morning classes?" She paused for a second to get a deep breath, and then continued asking questions, whose answers were already obvious, but frightening to hear, "Well, you are not going... How awfully brave you are...What are you relying on? Huh?" At that moment, when I heard the last question, the word "On me, mum, on myself" was echoing reverberantly in my head, and then I responded disappointingly, "Sorry, mum" with the tear dropping through my cheeks.

Last July, I reached the age of 18, demonstrating that I became the adult legally. At this period of my life, I have made the most impactful and the most risky decision on my own. Also, it was the first time I had hidden the thing from my family.

I dropped my university instead of becoming sophomore in fall, 2010 with the view to studying in US college and concentrating totally on my preparation for tests, and the colleges' application process. I will never forget the word, my dean said, "Unfortunately, we are losing the student with the potential to thrive on, but be sure for your choice at any time unless you reach it. Good luck!" while signing in my drop-out petition. When I walked out from the admission office, my heart was pumping as strongly as ever, and I said to myself "Now everything depends on YOU" with the strict sight.

So what caused me to do this action? In 2009, having graduated my high school, I enrolled into National University of Mongolia as a freshman of Journalism faculty with the highest scores. Frankly speaking, my major- Journalism- was my father's choice rather than mine. Although I was interested in business field more than that, I had no courage to reveal my passion to change my major in front of him, avoiding his ignorance and opposition. Furthermore, studying in the US prestigious college has been being my dream from the 9th grade. During my senior years, I was always ready to "throw" everything in order to have chat with my friends, studying in the US, about anything related to American life, and especially, the student life. About this dream, I shared my feeling with my mum and brother, but still not my father, who strongly opposes to let me stay away from him, saying "you are too little to go yourself". Whenever I heard this word, I felt his action as if not freeing the bird, having already grown with the ability to fly, but pretending "it still can not fly".

Getting back to the first story, at that night, I confessed my whole secret and future plan to my family. It impacted my father most of all and we spent 10 days without talking anything to each other. While I was rigid for my decision, he was keeping not expressing his agreement. However, after about 14 days, he entered to my room and said, "Now you, my little girl, have already become a maturity. Having kept trying consciencelessly to succeed my goal, but not yours, I did not understand you with the clear mind. Sorry, your dad," hugging me gently. It was the moment, I will remember forever in my whole life.

After revealing everything, there was nothing more important left except my preparation. For 4 months, I have strived diligently, seeking best results. Even though not studying in formal school is the decision, I would never imagine 2 years ago, I have clarified that knowing exactly what I study for is far more significant than studying for "A" grade. I have known the meaning of study by myself and I will try my best to make my peers and posterities aware of it. What's more, I have understand practically the meaning- if one can set realistic goal and is really passionate about it, his every step and every moment should be devoted to the achievement of goal, even sometimes the action taken to reach it is unpopular and strange - of the book, once I have read. I do not like to regret for anything, but I like to and strive to replace it with the accomplishment.

Recently, my best 2 friends gave me the envelope, containing $20 and said, "Use it for your necessary fees, and both of us are really sure you will get your goal". I was really surprised, just saying "What???" For me it is not only several bucks. For me, it is the trust as big as which of college acceptance letter. The difference between them is received and not received /maybe yet received/, but in any case, I will do as much as I can to prove myself for both of them.

Undergraduate / "Mongolian Red Cross Youth" - Extracuricular activity /volunteer works/ [4]

Question:briefly elaborate one of yout extra curricular activities...?

5 years ago,I decided to become a member of Mongolian Red Cross Youth by receiving offer from a nice gentleman. It was BIG challenge that changed my previous stereo-type life, in which I had no ability to concern for any other things than lesson.

Although I was considered as the best student in my class and school,I realized that there were so many people who had far more practical skills and innovative ideas than I did when entering into new community.Therefore,I started making efforts to improve myself.

Until now,I have not only participated but also organized by myself lots of volunteer and humanitarian activities. The more I joined, the stronger I obsessed into.

As a result, I have gained great amount of respect from my family members, friends, teachers, and schoolmates.I'm sure all "lessons" learned from this experience will be fruity in the future.

I'm international applicant and I need some help.this short essay is too simple or something? And give me the feedback including aptitude revision, please...