Posts by MystErious

MystErious

Dec 26, 2010

Undergraduate / Princeton in the Nation's Service- Princeton essay [2]

Alright this is my essay for the following prompt:
Option 2 - Using the statement below as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

"Princeton in the Nation's Service" was the title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the nation's service and in the service of all nations."

- Woodrow Wilson, Princeton Class of 1879, served on the faculty and was Princeton's president from 1902 to 1910.

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In 1896, Woodrow Wilson delivered a speech entitled "Princeton in the Nation's Service", in which he encouraged Princeton students to achieve the level of education required to attain a sense of purpose and duty towards the nation. Wilson was a man who valued both education and political service, having served as both president of Princeton as well as president of the United States. He consistently set high standards for himself and others, and accomplished a great deal in his lifetime. However, he did not limit his focus to the United States alone: he believed that with his power came the responsibility to work for the greater good of all. Thus, he lobbied for the creation of the League of Nations - an alliance of countries that would work towards maintaining peace and promoting prosperity around the world. He was a man of high ideals and solid values who was shaped by his experiences and education at Princeton. I too have been inspired by my academic experiences, and I share Wilson's desire to use my education and abilities for the benefit of all.

My high school experience has certainly shaped the person I am today. I have been challenged by myself and my teachers to reach my highest potential, and as a result I have developed a very strong work ethic as well as time management skills. I have achieved some significant successes - such as earning the highest overall average in my entire school last year - but I have also enjoyed a well-balanced schedule of teams, clubs, extra-curricular activities, volunteer work and paid jobs. I believe to have a successful life a person needs to know when to work and also when to play, and high school has allowed me to find that balance.

A second experience that has definitely affected me was when I attended Queen's University E=MC2 enrichment program. This week-long session was intended to introduce students to the rich opportunities available at university, and immerse us in university life. While the intended focus might have been the educational opportunities at Queen's, what we all looked forward to and remembered most was not the coursework but the rich experience of living on campus and participating fully in other aspects of university life. I have always known I would continue my studies into undergraduate and post-graduate work, but this was the first time I got a taste of the full-range of opportunities available to me. My time at Queen's taught me to value my education not only for what I can learn, but also for the people I can meet and the activities I can become involved in.

A final event that I wish to discuss is my time at the Waterloo Unlimited program, another enrichment session I was invited to. The focus at the University of Waterloo was far more academic, as the overall focus was 'research at the university level'. Here we were taught about research methodologies, the inter-disciplinary approach some collaborative research studies can take, and the far-reaching applications that research results can have - far beyond a single university or nation's borders. From this program I learned to value the purpose of research, which I believe is to benefit others and contribute to the common good. This is what Wilson alluded to in his speech: we need to use our intellect and gifts for the benefit of all, not just a few.

Woodrow Wilson, the man the world knew to be a visionary and a man of strong values, was shaped during his university years. He was set to become a minister, but his experiences at Davidson College and at Princeton changed him into a man who valued both education and political work, and set him on his path to become President. My personal experiences with education have also shaped my values: they have taught me to value hard work and organization, they have taught me to value and embrace new opportunities both inside and outside the classroom, and they have taught me to value research and higher education for the benefits that they can provide, not just to one institution, but "in the nation's service and in the service of all nations".

----- comments?

MystErious

Dec 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "We all want it. What is Education?" - Common App [3]

I wrote a (rather weak) essay on skiing too, if anyone could give me some heads-up on that after they tear through this, That'd be great. This is a first draft, I havent gone back yet, Im just letting it mellow while someone else gives me feedback on what's there so far. Thanks.

Oh and i borrowed the "I once believed.." format from Freezard7734 and his "Enigma of Success" essay (which is awesome and a GREAT example of exemplary writing) and although I stated passion as the root of education in my conclusion (as he did in his) i was not merely copying his word; i truly do feel that the only reason to pursue a higher education is because of your passion for a subject, not for money or prestige or potential earnings. Freezard, thanks for the format, but this is in NO WAY a rewording or a copy or anything of the sort. *whew* with the thank-you and the copyright and the disclaimer and whatever else out of the way, here we go:

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Education. We all want it; some pay thousands of dollars and traverse continents to get it. But what truly is an education? Why do these people, myself included, want it so much? I once thought that an education meant success: that it meant happiness. However, my views have been refined and remoulded by the fires of experience in the furnace of introspection; like an alloy made of unknown metals, I have now seen that the concept of an education can't be described in simple terms. It is a mixture that can only be discovered through experience.

I once believed was that education led to happiness, and that was why everyone wanted it. However, I have been witness to people who had the greatest education possible, yet were still not happy. A friend of the family received his Masters in Computer Science, but he was talking about going back into school, since he didn't feel happy with where his education was taking him. This confused me; if he was so educated, so smart, how could he not get whatever he wanted? It was then that I discovered that simply going through school, merely going through the motions, was not enough. I discovered that you have to love what you do; that you had to love it and wish to spend the rest of your life pursuing this subject, rather like a lovestruck fool pursues the elusive object of his romance. I now see that education does not lead to happiness, but that an education should be the result of pursuing a subject you love.

I once believed was that education led to intelligence. I thought that by going through school, through university and through courses, that I would become intelligent. I think this belief is still held by most people; but it is false. University gives you knowledge; yet knowledge alone does not equate intelligence. University gives you methods; yet knowing how to use these methods is also not intelligence. Intelligence is what so many people seek yet so few attain; it is the ability to know, yet still learn. It is the ability to apply processes and solve through proven methods, yet still improvise and adapt. It is the ability to contribute to the world in ways that no one else has before you, and this is not what an education gives you. An education gives you the tools to become an intelligent person, yet I now know that it is up to me to use these tools, and that intelligence takes a lifetime to attain.

I once believed was that education led to success. But then, what is success? If success is measured by happiness, then education does not give happiness, as discussed previously. What if money is a measure of success, then? This is most people's measure; they judge how successful someone is by the size of their house or by their salary figures. But an education does not necessarily lead to money, and some people make money without any education. Taxi drivers hold PhDs; hillbillies find themselves sitting on oil reserves. No, money can't be a measure of success, nor does education lead to it. I believe that success is a much more intrinsic concept; I believe the best measure of success is the respect one earns from his peers. This, education does lead to. The taxi driver is well respected in his field, while the hillbilly is merely seen as a lucky kook. So yes, I do still believe that education leads to success, but my view of what success is, and how education affects it, has been altered over time.

So why then, do people seek education if it brings neither money nor happiness, intelligence nor excellence? This is a question I grappled with for a long time. These were the things that the world sought after; if achieving them was not guaranteed through education, why do they bother? I then realized that the world sought them for the wrong reasons. They wanted an education to bring them happiness, but instead they should have wanted happiness to bring them through their education. They wanted money from it, but money should be a footnote compared to the joy of learning. They wanted schooling to shape their lives, but I now know that your life, your loves and your personality should instead shape your education, and that learning in a field you love should bring you all the happiness, intelligence, and success you'll ever need. I have seen the composition of this mysterious substance, and I know that you should pursue an education for one reason and one reason only; passion.

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Alrighty then, that's that (It might be a bit long, 774 words at I remember, but its not too bad i *hope*)
Literary sharks, go!

MystErious

Dec 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Skiing, to me, is release; Common App- own choice topic- Skiing [4]

ya i can see this is a rather weak essay; i'm writing another one now (on education, and what it is) but I'd still appreciate feedback on this one because it's applicable for a couple of scholarships and maybe as a supplemental essay somewhere.

MystErious

Dec 21, 2010

Student Talk / HARVARD and JHU Supplement - general? What's the difference? [3]

i dont know for JHU, but im thinking it should be general. say why you want to be a doctor (maybe some past experiences that influenced you to do so) but also mention a bit about why you chose JHU as the college you want to go to- why you think THAT one in best for you. don't make the whole answer about JHU, but "why did u choose the way u did" sounds to me like "why you chose here". lol so in short, say why you want to be a doctor for most of the essay, include why JHU in the conclusion maybe.

as for the harvard book thing, im doing the same one. i described the lessons ive learned from the book- dont make it a book report, because the AO probably won't have read your book. mine was fairly short, but i talked about how the book had shown me how your actions can have reprecussions long after they are done, and then i said something about how it made me grow as a person. "opened my eyes to the world" or along those lines- i talked about how this (awesome) book affected me as a person. i didnt do anything harvard-related (like "oh i read the harvard admission manual or w/e and it changed my life" =p) and they cant honestly expect or want people to be suckups by bs'ing it and only blabbing on about harvard. make it true- if no book has had a profound impact on you, don't choose this topic.

MystErious

Dec 19, 2010

Undergraduate / "electrical engineering, energy-producing company CEO" - Common app essay (my Goals) [3]

Ok im going to fix up some errors and rephrase some sentences, but i'm not gonig to touch the flow or structure of the essay. I'm too caught up in what needs fixing on a small-scale to see what needs to be done with the essay as a whole; maybe once you fix whatever errors I and others find, someone could give you tips on structuring (if it needs it- as I said, I'm not sure whether it does or not after 1 glimpse through).

"I might seem like a normal kid, with unconnected facts and talents, this essay is intended to connect the dots and stick every thing together in the past essays"

Is this part of the essay? If so, i think it's unneccesarry.

1st para
The human race is immortal: -Use a colon to start the list
-take out the brackets in the first sentence- its a sentence with shock value, don't ruin that by saying that it has shock value =p

-with all your commas, have the comma RIGHT AFTER the last letter of the previous word (no spaces) then a single space before the next word (so it's like "hi, you" not "hi ,you" or "hi , you")

-turned night into day , ~~and day into night ,~~
-turned sea water in to drinking water
-~~we turned hot to cold, and cold to hot~~ - maybe take this out since the list is getting long, and you mention controlling environment later

-we've given life to barrens wastes , and taken it away from luschious (forests? rainforests? lands? pick something to go in here)
-~~unlike most species~~ -"which no other species can"
-"no wonder god asked satin to bow down to Adam" -capitalize religious figures, and maybe its just me (im not very religious) but this doesnt make sense to me. oh and it's Satan, not Satin

-period at the end of the paragraph

2nd para
"This aspect; creativity, is what makes us dominate. Because of this trait some of us choose to become engineers. Engineers use this trait in order to create, unlike scientist, Engineers create, however scientists study the created."

-"This creativity is what makes us the dominant species. This trait, unique to us, leads some to become engineers and others to become scientists. Those who become engineers create, while the scientists study that which has been created." -i tried to fix it up a little, feel free to use my wording or adapt it your own way, but i feel mine makes more sense

3rd para
-"I come from a country in the M iddle E ast where water is scarce, temperatures ~~sometimes~~ reach 52 degrees Celsius, and p lain sand cover most of the land."

-"Although most people might consider my country, the Kingdome of Saudi Arabia, to be a barren wasteland,~~however~~ Saudi Arabia is one of the most important ~~patches~~places on E arth.C ontaining 30% of the entire worlds' oil reserves, Saudi Arabia is one of the leading energy producers in the world" - this was a bit of a run-on sentence, so i cut it into two

-"H owever we cannot drink oil;water is scarce , our unemployment rate is above 30%,and beggars roam the streets"
-"We are already facing d rought and climate changes ."

4th para
"The world is changing, bit by bit; mankind has finally realized that it is time to change its ways of producing energy. As a result the world is shifting its energy resources to more renewable energy, such as wind, ~~dams~~hydro , and nuclear fusion~~, etc~~ ."

5th para
"I feel that my country also needs to ~~catch this wave~~embrace green energy in order to move onforward . To me, m y country is not a mere empty desert buttrather a goldmine for energy. ~~Physics wise~~ Geographically speaking, ~~my country~~Saudi Arabia~~is one of the most patches on earth that~~ receives some of the most energy from the sun. With so little cloud cover, and so close to the equator ~~with dry air and no water molecules to absorb heat~~ , it is the perfect environment to produce solar energy. I n facts if Saudi Arabia ~~plays its cards right~~utilized its' full solar potential , we ~~can~~could produce 14TW of electricity on a daily basi s.This extraordinary amount of energy is more than enough to meet the entire world' s demand for energy. and with our geographical location it will be easier for us to distribute if we fined a way." -is this last sentence needed?

6th para
Oh ok umm here you seem to jump- you were on a whole "save the world" roll and now you're jumping to your childhood curiousity. I'll still edit it, but from this point you've really cut the flow of the essay. I see how you pull it all together in the end, but you need to find a transition into this next part. Perhaps you could say something like "but we need someone to make this happen; I believe that I have the potential to do it. Ever since I was a child..." or something along those lines. You just need a transition from save-the-world mode to talk-about-me mode.

"Ever since I was a ~~little~~("little" is redundant) child I explored the world around me.I played with small bugs and insects,and I ~~was most interested in~~loved learning how things worked and how these manmade objects helped benefit our lives. I was most interested in electronic devices; taking toys apart, and learning how they worked , ~~which~~ pulled me into the field of electronics and electrical engineering."

7th para
"My love for electrical engineering started when the internet first entered Saudi Arabia in 2001.~~and~~M y dad bought my older brother his first computer in 2005;since we do not have public libraries in many parts of Saudi Arabia , and we didn't have one in Jeddah (my hometown) , so I spent most of my time on the computer exploring the world from a screen.M y love for computers grew as I ~~got older~~did, and I became more and more interested in how the hardware worked; later I harboured an interest in software as I began playing around with ~~circuitry~~(circuitry is hardware, not software, so the mention of circuitry should be moved to the previous sentence if you want to keep it in) and programming microcontrollers;a nd I adored the idea of encryption." - the mention of encryption seems to just be thrown in there- try to work it in better (haha im not doing all the work myself)

8th para
Just as you needed a transition from the big picture to yourself earlier, you now need a transition back to the big picture so it flows into the conclusion, which deals with both. Something along the lines of "i hope to apply my love of electrical engineering in a way which will benefit the world"?

"My dream is to be the founder and CEO of the largest ~~electrical~~(redundant- when you say energy, we all say "electrical!" =p) energy producing company, not just in my region, but inthroughout the world. Since my country has the potential, my goal is not just to help improve my country,b ut to improve energy production methods toand help the world as a whole."

This is a solid essay, you have good points and you touch upon your background in EE, your hopes for your future, and you display a view of the bigger picture- all of which are good things. Considering English isn't your first language, this was very well written and any corrections that I, or any others, make are just things that come with use of the language. Good luck.

this was my first time correcting someone else's work, you can see how my editing methods evolved as I went through. if anyone has any comments for me, I'd appreciate that as well so that I can better help others and write better myself.

MystErious

Dec 16, 2010

Undergraduate / Skiing, to me, is release; Common App- own choice topic- Skiing [4]

This is the essay I'm thinking of using for my Common App essay; I wanted to write about this because it's a side of me that my application otherwise doesn't show, but if you think it may not be appropriate or I should do something else, please feel free to say so. It's about 650 words, so (maybe) on the short side, but I think if it conveys the message then length doesn't matter...

Skiing, to me, is release. Skiing is gentle, it is calming, and it is methodical. This unthinking, natural freedom lets my mind go on autopilot and become free; free to think, free to ponder, and free to dream. Skiing helps me clear my thoughts and sort through my life. Yet this is not the same experience that everyone has while skiing; it is so different to so many people. There is a wonderful independence that accompanies skiing- there is no set way, no defined rules, merely lines in the sand that may be washed away or blurred by anyone, at any time. However, this wondrous aspect of skiing is often unnoticed, or worse, feared, by most newcomers to the sport. They want order and structure; they fear this independence because they doubt their own abilities. This fear mainly stems from a fear of falling, yet falling can be one of the most exhilarating experiences of skiing; the feeling of drifting down into a puff of snow, like a weighted cloud sinks through the air, is arguably the most unique experience one can have while skiing. Yet for me the wonders of skiing- the inner reflection, the autonomy, and the feeling of indestructibility, are not enough to enjoy by myself. I try, as much as I can, to share the experience with as many people as I can.

This desire led me to become a ski instructor. To teach skiing, one must pass a weeklong course that evaluates both skiing ability and teaching prowess. Passing that course earns you a certification as a Level 1 CSIA instructor. Since then, I have taken my Level 2 certification (there are 4 possible levels, but very few people attain higher than 2) and have become certified to teach ski racing as well. Each course is 5 days long and typically takes place over either Christmas break or March break; they are a heavy time commitment. However, I find they are worth the time and effort because they make me a better teacher and help me help others learn the wonders of skiing.

I teach at XXXX (I normally have the name in here, but took it out for security purposes on this site), and I am responsible for children between the ages of 4 and 6. Although many other instructors avoid this age group because kids this age are "slow" skiers, I love teaching these children. At this stage of their skiing I can see the effect I have on them from day to day; with the right coaching, their skiing can improve astronomically, and I love being able to tangibly see the positive effect I have on them. Also, I work well with kids; I have two 5 year old cousins who adore me, and the feelings of the children I teach are similar. I am always helpful and patient; I once had an adult, sitting near my group during break, comment on how kind I was with the kids. This comment really struck a note with me- she was not related to me or any of the kids I was teaching, but she felt it necessary to comment on my conduct; I cannot express how moved I was by that. I teach because I love the kids, and because I love the sport.

I realize that this essay may not fall perfectly into one of your suggested categories, but I feel that what I have written truly exemplifies why I do something that I love, and I believe that that in itself is worth something- I do not curtail myself to fit any mold. This passion, to me, brings on a feeling similar to drinking a favourite hot beverage or laying in the sun- it warms me and makes me content. I take pride in my teaching, and hope to improve other's lives as much as they improve mine.

Thanks for reading it, and I'd appreciate any comments.