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Posts by Rahsadara
Joined: Dec 26, 2010
Last Post: Dec 26, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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Rahsadara   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Baseball and its Lessons" Common App Essay [9]

I like you essay alot! You have done a good job "showing not telling". I was able to picture your essay in my head perfectly. One thing you could improve on is the transition from the 2nd paragraph to the 3rd. I understand the epiphany but it needs to tie into to your disability so to speak. Also, i do not like how you left the reader hanging--what happened, but then again it's good that way.

Hope this helps!
Rahsadara   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

I agree with deenz. You need to talk more about YOU in the essay--the Spartans are not trying to get accepted into Stanford. Also, i see how the topic could be found as intellectually engaging but try to tie it back into how it is intellectually engaging to YOU most importantly. How did 300 make you THINK about the Spartans? Did it cause you to question anything? The world? Yourself? What you want to do?
Rahsadara   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Playing the piano" + "Masdar" - MIT short Answers [6]

Kudos-
-the first one is good
-it answers the prompt
Recommendations-
-instead of "such as Mozart's..." put "for example" or add another one of your favorite songs
-The last sentence could be improved by saying something like "it is a moment that allows me to temporary disconnect from reality and enjoy life"

2nd Question
Kudos-
-this one is a keeper
Recommendations-
-change the sentence "as i will receive a world-class..." it does not flow with what you are saying in the sentence as a whole

-spelling error: projects, happily
-pick one: sustainable infrastructures OR systems not both
-take out as in the second to last sentence
-change expand to expanding when you make corrections

Hope this helps!
Rahsadara   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Nature deals with our genetic properties" - Stanford: Intellectually Engaging [2]

Hi whoever is reading this!

I am having writers' block when it comes to choosing an intellectually engaging topic to write about for Stanford. Below is what I came up with, but i know it needs work (for one it is lacking a concluding sentence). Please read and leave any comments and suggestions (does it bore you? What can i do to spice it up?)--they are very much appreciated :) Thanks

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

It was a cold, rainy day when I was reading the novel my AP Lit teacher assigned to the class. I was sitting in my hotel room with the heater set up to seventy-five degrees. Winter in Portland was brutal-the rain hammering against the window confirmed it. I was reading the conversation between Sam and Lige where they were discussing "Whut is it dat keeps uh man from getting' burnt on uh red-hot stove-caution or nature?" (Their Eyes Were Watching God, 64). Basically, they were asking "Are people who they are because of what nature makes them to be or are they who they are because what they are brought up to be?" and it got me thinking about the effects that Nature and Nurture have on each other. Nature deals with our genetic properties. Our genes help make up our personality, physical, and behavioral traits. However, the environment in which we grow up in is essentially what shapes us--nurture. For me, living in Southern California in a city called Rancho Cucamonga, I was able to go to great schools. The most pronounced evidence of my upbringing in that area is my speech. Some may say that I speak "properly" compared to the way many other African Americans speak. Growing up in the suburbs helped shape my personality and my speech. Compared to living in a bad part of Los Angeles, I am different from what is expected from me.
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