Posts by icewing96

icewing96

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "an empty street with cars parked at the side" - looking out the window -williams [2]

The first and last couple of lines don't really correspond with the rest of the...essay. It has a poetic feeling, but it's like you're stuck in between prose and poetry.

ellipses would be nice. :)

- verb tenses
- On a rainy day I sat by my window staring out and all I could see was an empty
street with cars parked at the side of the street <-- a little awkward
- that is when I see a bird trying to protect it family from the pouring rain outside. <-- maybe instead of "protect", use "shield"

- I will do what it takes till I touch the sky and I will make a wish, take a chance, make a change and breakaway out of the darkness and into the sun. <-- poetic but not suited for the rest of the essay.

i think you want to connect your own feelings with the bird protecting its family from the wicked, harsh, cruel, pouring rain.
a little more connection with your own feelings to the bird would be nice.

overall, it's off to a good start. i think it would be great if it was poetry. :)
or...it's already poetry? xD

i hope that helped :)

icewing96

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / How to write a good private school admission essay(s). To brag about myself? [3]

I'm applying for a couple of private schools and i need help in making my short answers/essays sound...good. They have to be interesting and catch the reader's attention but can't be too..."crazy".

What do you like about yourself? Why? (word limit 150)

--> i shouldn't brag about myself here.
--> the "WHY?" part is the hardest to write about.
--> if i said, "i like how i'm determined." how are you supposed to say why? determination is obviously a positive thing. what else can you say about that?

--> should i say i'm stubborn instead? but that's...a negative definition of determination.

well, it starts here:

(i feel like i need an intro but...idk what to put) I like how I am very determined. If I needed to turn in an essay for school the next day, I'm determined to finish writing it. If I needed to run a mile under eight minutes, I'm determined to practice until I have reached my goal. If I needed to play three hours of tennis in the scorching sun, I'm determined to endure it and not take a break. Determination is the quality of being resolute or continue trying to do or achieve something that is difficult (this sentence needs to be revised. xD it doesn't make any sense...OTL maybe it's the verb tense?). With determination, I can do anything (this feels cliche).

and...the second one:

Imagine you are a (the school's name) student and you invite a fellow classmate--who is from a very different part of the world--to join you in your hometown during a school break. What would you feel would be important to share with him/her during his/her short stay and why?

--> i feel totally lost on this one and i don't know what to write.
--> they would um...miss HOME.
--> i would make them feel at HOME. uh...but i don't know where they came from...O_O
--> i would share with them the culture of my hometown.
--> have fun.

OTL please help me.