Undergraduate / "I invite you to tell me your stories and dreams" - Stanford (Roommate Letter) [5]


This is worded awkwardly; perhaps there is a more positive way to communicate your curiosity (so you don't have to say that you are annoying :P)?

That aside, everything looks excellent.

Undergraduate / Find X-The X Chromosome [2]

The first half of your essay was very strong and interesting. However, it seems as if you milked the experience a little too much. At times, your writing sounded as if it were just rambling on and on; cut out some of the unnecessary parts so as to preserve the succinctness of your piece.

Also, I don't really like the ending that you chose. It seems like you were trying to just throw in another theme at the end. It was very abrupt and leaves the audience on a negative note.

Undergraduate / Experience-Washington Youth Tour - Common Application [6]

Yeah, this definitely is not what you want to be submitting for your Personal Essay; from reading all of that, I've learned more about D.C. and the program than I have about you.

Undergraduate / watching the same episode, the babysitter, the messager, gap-year student [3]

The majority of your work is incoherent and full of what seem like useless ramblings. I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish here, but it doesn't look like you succeeded in doing anything except bore the audience.

I guess you were trying to explore the multiple "versions" of yourself? In any case, the quality of writing is very weak and the personal anecdotes you used are both awkward and unconvincing.