sqfarczu
Jan 5, 2011
Undergraduate / CalTech - Passion for Maths/science and engineering [4]
Hi!
I had a quick look on you essay and here are few of my suggestions:
Instead of following excerpt:
In my free time, I would think about different things, looking for anything that doesn't have an obvious explanation and contemplating for why and how it happens. Whenever I find that oddity, I usually go into a phase of hyper-focus and I am deep-in-thought about that oddity, thinking why it happens. This has particularly proved helpful during my bus ride between school and home, which is a 40 minute drive that I can't use since I am the only senior in my bus and I have motion sickness.
I would write:
In my free time, I think about how and why things work and I look for more unconventional explanations. I also like to contemplate unexplained physical phenomenon. Whenever I find such an oddity, I focus so much that I almost loose grips on reality, thinking why it happens.
I would delete the motion sickness part as it is irrelevant to the essay subject.
I would also suggest as the above commentators, that the narrative is too detailed and too personal. Reduce most of irrelevant descriptions and give one more example of your interest in maths/engineering/science. Maybe you read some interesting scientific article that you could describe?
You also upgrade a car not edit it.
Hi!
I had a quick look on you essay and here are few of my suggestions:
Instead of following excerpt:
In my free time, I would think about different things, looking for anything that doesn't have an obvious explanation and contemplating for why and how it happens. Whenever I find that oddity, I usually go into a phase of hyper-focus and I am deep-in-thought about that oddity, thinking why it happens. This has particularly proved helpful during my bus ride between school and home, which is a 40 minute drive that I can't use since I am the only senior in my bus and I have motion sickness.
I would write:
In my free time, I think about how and why things work and I look for more unconventional explanations. I also like to contemplate unexplained physical phenomenon. Whenever I find such an oddity, I focus so much that I almost loose grips on reality, thinking why it happens.
I would delete the motion sickness part as it is irrelevant to the essay subject.
I would also suggest as the above commentators, that the narrative is too detailed and too personal. Reduce most of irrelevant descriptions and give one more example of your interest in maths/engineering/science. Maybe you read some interesting scientific article that you could describe?
You also upgrade a car not edit it.