shesprettyodd
Jan 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Rotman Commerce, extracurricular skills and experiences (DECA experience) [5]
Good point about the DECA thing.
Good point about the DECA thing.
shesprettyodd
Jan 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / The causes of IMMIGRATION: social reasons, politic reasons and economic reasons. [4]
What's your prompt first of all? I can't really give a proper evaluation if you didn't provide the prompt.
Anyways...
-You need to work on sentence structuring. For example, when you wrote,
"The immigration, as a decision maked by a person is an act that occurs, because of some factors especially in the under developed countries and the most importants causes or reasons are mainly social reasons, politic reasons and economic reasons."
It's very confusing, and it seems that you are trying to link several ideas into one. Instead, separate them into separate sentences. You also spelled "made" wrong, and "important" does not have an "s" at the end.
-Use more sophisticated transition words like, "As well", "Although", "Therefore", "Despite this", "In addition to"...
-You wrote,
"Finally, and in my opinion I think that every under country must afford enough jobs, especially for the Youngers those that are considered as the future of the country, and try to reduce the social problems and then stop the immigration."
Here, you are stating an opinion. You need to back up your opinion with actual facts.
-When you make a point in a paragraph, elaborate on it. Then make another point that is relevant to what you are discussing in that paragraph, and elaborate.
-You need to sit down and talk with someone who is good at writing essays, and have them help you on basic essay structures. You also need help on sentence structuring.
Good luck
What's your prompt first of all? I can't really give a proper evaluation if you didn't provide the prompt.
Anyways...
-You need to work on sentence structuring. For example, when you wrote,
"The immigration, as a decision maked by a person is an act that occurs, because of some factors especially in the under developed countries and the most importants causes or reasons are mainly social reasons, politic reasons and economic reasons."
It's very confusing, and it seems that you are trying to link several ideas into one. Instead, separate them into separate sentences. You also spelled "made" wrong, and "important" does not have an "s" at the end.
-Use more sophisticated transition words like, "As well", "Although", "Therefore", "Despite this", "In addition to"...
-You wrote,
"Finally, and in my opinion I think that every under country must afford enough jobs, especially for the Youngers those that are considered as the future of the country, and try to reduce the social problems and then stop the immigration."
Here, you are stating an opinion. You need to back up your opinion with actual facts.
-When you make a point in a paragraph, elaborate on it. Then make another point that is relevant to what you are discussing in that paragraph, and elaborate.
-You need to sit down and talk with someone who is good at writing essays, and have them help you on basic essay structures. You also need help on sentence structuring.
Good luck
shesprettyodd
Jan 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Rock involves sex sense,drug abuse,strong language;there are many types of music [2]
I t is generally believed that the music is voice of heart and a musician capable of conquering the mind and heart of people and nations by his /DON'T PUT A "/" WHEN YOU ARE WRITING AN ADMISSIONS ESSAY her music.Capitalize "M" music is commonly used to celebrationeand ceremonyies .beyond that every country<--What? has a e special music named "national anthem" whose symbol of nation.Here, reword as, "Every country has their own national anthem, which represents the pride and strength of the country" and then elaborate all in all the fact of matter is that,we have two kind of music ,classic and modern.this is generally categorization and classification which is commonly used to in the field.Unnecessary information master piece of Beethoven and Bach is most famous instance of classic music ,also master piece of Elton John is example of modern music .in the modern music you can find many genre of music like Pop,Rock,jazz and so on.no wonder that many genre of music available,this is because many mood available in every nation.one must have been chosen his/her music according to his/her mood.
music has both effect,positive and negative on society ,family ,adult .adult-sense ,teenagers ,children and even structure of molecular .lets consider the matter of the Rock music ,for instance ,usually Rock music involves:sex sense,drug abuse ,strong language that made a background and basis for social problems like addiction ,sex abuse and so on . -- You need to do more research than that, because it doesn't seem accurate other factors to be particularly concerned about are effect of music on children and teenagers.teenager about to getting down in social problems and we must have been award about the results of bad music .obviously music has good and positive effects.for instance Beethoven's music capable modified the structure of molecular so called "Beethoven 's effect ".generally believes that it's good music.other example are available,Linkin Park ,a Rock music band ,who encouraged teenager to exercise ,continue education for new invention for all people in the world,and in my view a great idea so called peace for all people.
however, it's worth remembering that music is on part of our life and negative effect of music is unavoidable and parental control on teenager,listening music, play a great role in music.
all in all enjoy yourself by music!
-Tons of grammatical errors, run on sentences, incomplete sentences, etc.
-You really need to work on researching the information that you've provided on Linkin Park and rock music. The information just doesn't seem accurate and it seems more opinion based.
-There's a lot of irrelevant information that needs to be taken out.
-You need to work on organizing your ideas into paragraphs.
-When you make a point, elaborate on it.
To be honest, you need a lot of work on your essay. You need to get someone (someone who is strong in English) and have them help you on the essay. You should also consider asking them for help on basic sentence structures and essay writing.
Good luck
I t is generally believed that the music is voice of heart and a musician capable of conquering the mind and heart of people and nations by his /DON'T PUT A "/" WHEN YOU ARE WRITING AN ADMISSIONS ESSAY her music.Capitalize "M" music is commonly used to celebrat
music has both effect,positive and negative on society ,family ,adult .adult-sense ,teenagers ,children and even structure of molecular .lets consider the matter of the Rock music ,for instance ,usually Rock music involves:sex sense,drug abuse ,strong language that made a background and basis for social problems like addiction ,sex abuse and so on . -- You need to do more research than that, because it doesn't seem accurate other factors to be particularly concerned about are effect of music on children and teenagers.teenager about to getting down in social problems and we must have been award about the results of bad music .obviously music has good and positive effects.for instance Beethoven's music capable modified the structure of molecular so called "Beethoven 's effect ".generally believes that it's good music.other example are available,Linkin Park ,a Rock music band ,who encouraged teenager to exercise ,continue education for new invention for all people in the world,and in my view a great idea so called peace for all people.
however, it's worth remembering that music is on part of our life and negative effect of music is unavoidable and parental control on teenager,listening music, play a great role in music.
all in all enjoy yourself by music!
-Tons of grammatical errors, run on sentences, incomplete sentences, etc.
-You really need to work on researching the information that you've provided on Linkin Park and rock music. The information just doesn't seem accurate and it seems more opinion based.
-There's a lot of irrelevant information that needs to be taken out.
-You need to work on organizing your ideas into paragraphs.
-When you make a point, elaborate on it.
To be honest, you need a lot of work on your essay. You need to get someone (someone who is strong in English) and have them help you on the essay. You should also consider asking them for help on basic sentence structures and essay writing.
Good luck
shesprettyodd
Jan 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Rotman Commerce, extracurricular skills and experiences (DECA experience) [5]
I need to write a 400 word personal statement for my Rotman Commerce personal statement.
Here is the prompt:
"#3: What extracurricular skills and experiences will you bring to Rotman Commerce?"
And here is my statement:
Henry Ford once said, "If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself." This quote holds true to my experience as a Math League member. During the times where I competed in math competitions, I have felt a sense of pride and unity amongst my fellow members. The experience of working with other students to represent our school in regional, provincial, and national competitions has taught me to appreciate the true value of teamwork. Since teamwork is essential to today and tomorrow's business world, the teamwork experience that I gained from being a part of Math League would be valuable to the Rotman Commerce.
My experience as a DECA member has opened my eyes to the business world. Since DECA has made me become more ambitious, it is one of my goals to change and contribute to the world by studying at the Rotman Commerce. My participation in the DECA 2010 Regional Competition has given me the hands on experience of what it is like competing with other goal-oriented individuals. During the competition, I used the quick-thinking, improvisational and professional skills that I learned during my DECA meetings. The hard work that I put into the meetings while preparing for the competition paid off, as I was able to make it into the DECA 2011 Provincials.
As a peer tutor, I have the experience of helping other students. Helping other students has not only allowed them to learn and develop their own goals, but it has also helped me enhance my interpersonal skills. Helping other students has also given me a sense of compassion towards those who are in need of assistance, as the knowledge of having to help others would bring them closer to success. With my experience of being a peer tutor, I hope to use my compassion for working with different students and helping others at the Rotman Commerce.
***
Please, please, please be critical of it.
Thanks in advance!
I need to write a 400 word personal statement for my Rotman Commerce personal statement.
Here is the prompt:
"#3: What extracurricular skills and experiences will you bring to Rotman Commerce?"
And here is my statement:
Henry Ford once said, "If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself." This quote holds true to my experience as a Math League member. During the times where I competed in math competitions, I have felt a sense of pride and unity amongst my fellow members. The experience of working with other students to represent our school in regional, provincial, and national competitions has taught me to appreciate the true value of teamwork. Since teamwork is essential to today and tomorrow's business world, the teamwork experience that I gained from being a part of Math League would be valuable to the Rotman Commerce.
My experience as a DECA member has opened my eyes to the business world. Since DECA has made me become more ambitious, it is one of my goals to change and contribute to the world by studying at the Rotman Commerce. My participation in the DECA 2010 Regional Competition has given me the hands on experience of what it is like competing with other goal-oriented individuals. During the competition, I used the quick-thinking, improvisational and professional skills that I learned during my DECA meetings. The hard work that I put into the meetings while preparing for the competition paid off, as I was able to make it into the DECA 2011 Provincials.
As a peer tutor, I have the experience of helping other students. Helping other students has not only allowed them to learn and develop their own goals, but it has also helped me enhance my interpersonal skills. Helping other students has also given me a sense of compassion towards those who are in need of assistance, as the knowledge of having to help others would bring them closer to success. With my experience of being a peer tutor, I hope to use my compassion for working with different students and helping others at the Rotman Commerce.
***
Please, please, please be critical of it.
Thanks in advance!
