Posts by krysf14

krysf14

Feb 3, 2011

Scholarship / Financial Aid Scholarship - "Why should you receive a scholarship?" [5]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and honestly critique. I worked on it for two days straight, but when it comes to writing, I'm not very confident. So thank you! I really appreciate it!

krysf14

Feb 3, 2011

Undergraduate / Ignorance and xenophobia, U of C Supplement, Dissolved and Solvent [13]

[Moved from]: University of Chicago, Diversity is Beauty, Dissolve and Solvent

This was an awesome essay! You stated well known facts and then proceeded to provide excellent supporting information. Your suggestions to solve these issues were great and your examples made a lot of sense and were convincing. I was very impressed and me also being a Latino American I highly agree with everything you just wrote. It made me say Yes, you're right! This can be done! WE just all have to do it together! Regardless if the person who reads this is Latino or not, your thoughts were well explained and persuasive.

There are some grammatical errors, but not many. A careful read through on your part should do.

I really enjoy your writing. Thanks for sharing!

krysf14

Feb 2, 2011

Undergraduate / "my first set of crayons" - Personal Statement for Art Colleges [6]

I really like it, but if i was a reader reading just the essay I wouldnt have known until the fourth paragraph that you would be majoring in fashion. For this reason, I think its safe to say that yes, you do mention your past of painting too much. So your first line should mention something of fashion in one way or another. You can mention how you were excited by the detail that painting required, which is also required in fashion.

Mentioning your accomplishments is good. Tell how you got involved in the programs you mention in the fourth paragraph.

There are grammatical errors that should be corrected and some things could be phrased differently such as:

I participated in the ________ advertising agency add campaign for their client ________, I realised the how different things become when one has to write according to a given brief and in a given period of time.

Staying within the word limit I would say it critical, but the 78 additional words can probably be removed from the second paragraph.

As far as the closing line...it does sound kind of weird. Brainstorm on how you could say what you are trying to say but from a different stand point.

krysf14

Feb 2, 2011

Undergraduate / "'A little lie is useful in some cases?' - an ethical dilemma that you encountered [3]

As the saying goes, 'A little lie is useful in some cases.' But this is not always true. Sometimes even a small lie can make the problem worse. Although people use white lies for good reason, I ~~would~~ believe telling the truth is better than telling a lie.

My junior year in high school , I met my new Student Life Organization (SLO) teacher for the first time. The time that I met her was somewhat weird. I saw a big woman who tried to go inside of SLO office hardly, while playing basketball.(This needs to be rephrased. It's confusing.)

One day, as I ~~went into~~ entered the SLO office, I ~~could~~heard the raised voice of my SLO teacher (descibe what she was doing; yelling at you?). After she found me out (?) , she asked me ~~that whether~~if I thought she was a big woman or not. I didn't ~~get~~understand her point of asking and I was so confused. So I lied and told her she was normal. I believed that it was better to tell a lie than tell a truth in an effort to not hurt her feelings. But she knew that she was big, and she was angry about a lie. (rephrase)

This experience has taught me to keep the very quote in mind before say something, 'Circumstances alter cases.'

The overall meaning is there, but tweeking it make it flow and giving detail to allow the reader to see what you are talking about is what it needed. I made my suggestions, but its your writing so make it you.

krysf14

Feb 2, 2011

Scholarship / Financial Aid Scholarship - "Why should you receive a scholarship?" [5]

Hi there!

I am new to this site and I would really like feedback regarding my application essay for a scholarship I'm applying for at my college.

Requirements:
Your response to this section is your opportunity to tell the scholarship selection committee why you should receive a scholarship. Include information that you believe the committee should know as they consider your application. Your future education and career goals must be included. You may address academic or personal achievements, leadership skills, financial obligations, community activities and school achievements. Some scholarships are based on need and some are not.

Mistakes
Everyone has made a poor choice at some point in their life. I've made numerous that have drastically changed my course in life more than once. Looking back on those choices, I refuse to say I regret any of them. If it wasn't for those choices, I wouldn't be where I am or be the person I am today; educated, motivated, disciplined, happy, and most importantly, proud.

It was damaging being raised by a single mother addicted to alcohol and drugs. By the age of 14, I became pregnant with my first child and by 16, my second. Not long afterward, my mother chose to take her own life. I couldn't comprehend how a mother could do such a thing. I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to be the best mother, woman, and person I could be. My kids deserved that and much more.

I graduated high school, in 2004, with my diploma, and in 2007, with no experience what so ever, was offered a position as an Administrative Assistant within a very successful insurance company. I truly enjoyed the environment, my duties, and above all, my salary. I was blessed.

In 2008, due to careless choices and distractions outside of work, I was let go. I had allowed toxic people to influence my decisions that inevitably caused me to lose my dream job and fail my family.

Afterward, I searched for months to find a similar job, but didn't meet the requirements, due to lack of experience or education, for any administrative position. I was at a point in my life where everything was quickly falling apart. I was unemployed and forced to collect unemployment to support family. I searched for inspiration in everything and anything. One day, I came across two quotes that, to this day, I live by: "Experience teaches slowly, but at the cost of mistakes." (James A. Froude) and "Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." (Oliver Goldsmith). I realized that everyone makes "mistakes", we must learn from those mistakes, and keep going, in order to succeed at whatever it is we are trying to accomplish.

In April 2009, my life came to halt when I became pregnant with my third child. Due to a high risk pregnancy, I was bed ridden until she arrived in December. After she was born, I regrettably started examining my life. I asked myself, "What am I doing with my life?" "How did I get distracted from being the person, woman and mother I promised myself to be?" and the answer came to me bright as day. I was neglecting an opportunity available to me for so long.

In August 2010, I decided to take control of my life to better myself and to support my family. I enrolled at Waubonsee Community College full time to obtain my Associates in Applied Science for Administrative Assistance. It was challenging and frustrating at times, being a single parent and going to school, but I knew it was for the best. I also continued to seek employment, and in November 2010, I began working part time, for the Christmas season. I was one of the 4 temporary employees chosen to be hired on permanently.

In December 2010, I completed my first semester at Waubonsee, with straight A's, and I've never been more proud. I successfully accomplished two short term goals while leading a hectic, financially strained lifestyle raising three inspirational children. I have established two long term goals for myself; continue to purse my degree despite future obstacles I'm destined to face and obtain a respectable position with that acquired degree. My current short term goal is to finish this semester with all A's again regardless of distractions and restless nights.

I understand it will be an everyday struggle, like it has been my whole life, but I have goals and am determined to change my life, and the lives of my children, for the better. From time to time I will fall, but I will proudly lift myself back up and keep moving forward.