Posts by chris0203

chris0203

Feb 19, 2011

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - owing to the development of technology we live in a better life than out ancestors [5]

People's lives have been changed in many ways through the development of technology. (The progress in technology enables us to live without any difficulties.)-THE TONE IS TOO FIRM AND STRONG. LOTS OF PPL HAVE DIFFICULTIES TO EVEN SURVIVE. As far as I am concerned, life today is better than it was in my grandparents' childhood for the following reasons.

First of all, (I think that) NO NEED TO ADD ANY "I THINK" IN ACADEMIC ESSDAYS, EXCEPT FOR THE 1ST PARAGRAPH. (technology has benefited us.）THE SUBJECTIVE SENTENCE SHOULD BE STRONGER. The development of computers and (Internet) NO CAPITAL has influenced people a lot. People can buy many things on the net PREFER TO SAY INTERNET instead of shopping in a real shop. It is also easier to get information from the Internet. For example, I like to find answers in the net for my daily problems all the time. Students write reports and do research with computers. Moreover, people use various digital devices to make their lives more convenient. I think that modern technology contributes greatly to our quality of life.

With the advancement of transportation, people live in a more convenient life. People used to travel abroad by boats before airplanes were invented. According to a research, the airplane is safer and more comfortable than the boat. (On the other hand,)NOT SURE IF THE PHRASE IS PROPER HERE.I DONT FEEL ITS COHERENT. the car plays an important role in our life. People cannot move too far by walking or riding a horse. For example, when my grandfather was a child, he took two hours to walk to school everyday. If his family （has had）IT SHOULD BE HAD HAD BUT PREFERABLE TO SAY HAD OWNED a car, he would not have spent so much time on commute.

The third reason is that there are （many） THE WORD MANY IS UNFORMAL. BETTER USE A GREAT NUMBER OF INSTEAD. innovations in medicine. Because of the advancement in medicine, people live longer than before. Most of the illnesses can be cured without （much）UNFORMAL pain. We know how to protect a disease by getting vaccinations. For example, a new virus, H1N1, had NO HAD spread out in several days. Science developed a vaccine in few days, so the new virus was under controlled.

In conclusion, given the reasons described above, I think we live in a better life than out ancestors. Thanks to the development of technology, our life is more convenient. In addition, we are healthier because the medicine is advance.

I THINK THE ESSAY IS ORGANIZED WELL SORRY TO SAY IT IS NOT DEVELOPED WELL AND SUPPORTING EXAMPLES ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH AND TOO MANY GRAMMAR MISTAKES.

PRACTICE MORE, WE CAN DO IT BETTER. :D

chris0203

Feb 15, 2011

Writing Feedback / "What is Success": LUCK OR HARD WORK? [6]

Dolly
I mean writing style is too casual. In other words, the structure isn't clear enough.
It's better to make thesis sentences should be more stand out.
Hope u get my meaning.

Chris

chris0203

Feb 13, 2011

Writing Feedback / "What is Success": LUCK OR HARD WORK? [6]

Dolly, is it an academic writing or just a causal one?
If it's academic, I think the writing structure should be more clear.
If it's only a causal writing, I thinkg the opinions are expressed quite well. :)

chris0203

Feb 13, 2011

Writing Feedback / Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable [4]

Dear all,
It's my first post here. Thank you all for taking a look at my essay!
Your comments help to improve my writings!
Be mean if you have to! I can take it!! :)
Thanks.

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TOPIC: Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable than friends with your same age.

Nowadays, friends play a valuable part in people's lives. Especially when one is in times of troubles, advices from friends are even more critical. That is where the dispute arises. Would you tend to seek advices from a friend who is older than you or one of your same age? From my standing point, I prone to regard senior friends' advices more valuable.

Advices from friends who are older than you are often in-depth and comprehesive. Compared to friends of your same age, senior friends have obtained such rich life experiences that they often have allaround aspects considered, when giving out advices. As a case in point, contemporty friends' opinions on how to choose an employer to work with, often vary from those of senior friends. Contempory friends may valule salaries as a most important element, whereas senior friends will additionally consider company reputation, culture and talent development plan as critical parts. Hence, when job seekers, especially graduated students, ask for advices from senior friends, they would receive multi-facet and considerable suggestions.

Advices from senior friends are often more persuasive and truthworthy. Senior friends have often gone through what younger person is experiencing, so when he or she enquires problems with them, they can understand him or her better and analyse problems being in his or her shoes, which make their suggestions become more acceptable. However, when contempory friends bothered with the same problem gather around,they have less chance to make problems solved but more sophisticated. For example, when one completes his or her bachlor degree, he or she often faces options of pursuing further study or stepping into job market, so do his or her fellow classmates. Yet with rich practical experiences, senior friends who are already employed or are in graduation school, could better state pros and cons of each option, which helps him or her to undertand each option better in order to make his or her own decision.

To sum up, due to senior friends' abundant social experience, they can see through things and tell hidden problems. Therefore,their suggestions are regarded as allaround, in-depth, and most importantly trustworthy. It is better for one to seek advices from friends older than him or her than from friends of the same age.