Undergraduate / Calculus & Diversity - Common App Essay [3]

Hello!

I would appreciate if someone could please look over this. I started a thread a while ago about an essay on North Dakota, but after setting that essay aside for a while, I agree that it is really confusing. I chose another prompt, but still tried to present a contrast with North Dakota and Ohio. Can someone please read it over and offer some suggestions?

Thanks for all you do (and I can't believe you guys do this for free, too)

Eugeniette

Prompt:"Other:"
"X is a small, residential college with a diverse population. Share with us an experience that illustrates what it means to you to join a multicultural community in which you are living with people from many different backgrounds."

The wind blew me from rural North Dakota right into busy Ohio in the midst of my high school experience. I did not know much about Ohio then, but I harbored secret hopes and expectations for the state. I hoped that it would be a place with lots of people, with milder winters, and a place with more excitement than bucolic North Dakota. Most of all, I hoped that Ohio would accept me, an Asian American girl from the middle of nowhere.

Prior to Ohio, I was accustomed to being the only racial minority everywhere I went. In North Dakota, I was one of twenty Asian Americans in my school. Oftentimes, the teachers and students would mix my name up with the name of another girl's-- because we were both Asian, they explained, thus little physical differences existed between us. While in North Dakota, I learned a lot about the Scandinavian culture and history, but the exchange was rather one-sided. To me, a multicultural community is one where there is a constant exchange with other people about my background while I learn about theirs. When I joined Ohio, I hoped that I would find people similar to myself, ready to listen and learn.

I found this attitude in one of my favorite times of the day: my ninth hour study hall. It is located in the loud lunchroom, bustling with conversations, discussions, and gossiping. I sit at the third table from the middle, where many of the AP Calculus students join to form a study table. One glance at our table demonstrates the multifarious environment that surrounds me: There are three Asians, an Indian, an Algerian, one Palestinian, and three whites. Most of the time we are studious, working hard on our homework and helping each other out; however, there are many moments when conversation digresses from derivatives to other divisions.

One time, our conversation developed from calculus to foreign languages when a person revealed that he could speak Mandarin Chinese. A typical fascination ensued, and a girl asked him to say something.

"Wo ai ni!" he tells her in jest. I love you!

My ears perk up at the familiar words, and I grin at him across the table, pushing my TI-84 and book aside. In North Dakota, I never heard Mandarin Chinese uttered beyond the confines of my home. The words that came out from my mouth that day were rusty and reluctant, protesting for me speak in familiar English because they did not like to be used unless I was talking in an Asian setting or with my family.

"Ni zhi dao ze me yan xie ba?" I challenged. Do you know how to write that?

"Dang ran a!" he said. Of course!

Not to be left out, the girl next to me taught the table how to say "I love you" in Arabic, and my mouth pronounced the even more unfamiliar words with amusement. Almost at once, variations of "I love you" became a chorus of languages as each person at the table offered their own version of the phrase. I heard in one study hall period the Mandarin, Cantonese, Hindi, French, Spanish, Arabic, and German translations of the phrase "I love you".

As the bell rang to indicate the end of the day (I did not finish my calculus homework,) the calculus study table learned seven ways of saying "I love you." Since that day, I have learned what it is like to have a multi-cultural group of people together, and the mutual learning and respect that exists in a diverse, intelligent group of people. Ohio has met all my expectations, and it has instilled in me a desire for more opportunities to listen to and learn from others.

Undergraduate / North Dakota - Common app formatting questions and an essay [4]

Hello!

I finished my essay and I am wondering if the logical structure of this essay is understandable. Any other corrections would be welcome, too.

I also have a question about the admissions essay format: Because we upload the document, should the paper be in MLA format? Do I need my name on the top of each page? And should I include the prompt in my paper or no?

Sorry for asking so many questions about formatting, but I do not want to risk my chances to a college due to a formatting error.

Thanks so much for helping me!

Eugeniette

Common App Essay Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

The threshold of the apartment lobby cages me from the dark North Dakotan morning as I stare at the barren street lit by a sign blinking the weather: -28 ̊ F. After living for two years in North Dakota, I have met an impish friend, and when He whistles with a low "Psssst!" sound for me to step out of the glass door that separates us, I oblige with an excuse to walk to the detached garage.

Little snowflake darts strike at my face when I swing the door open to greet Him, but He plunges into the darkness before I get the chance. My feet long to go back into the warm, familiar inside as I follow down the dark, icy path. In the distance, I hear a husky laugh. Then, in this moment of brevity, the tension is released; I laugh along with Him. I can stand my own against any dark path!

When the news reached me that I was to move to Ohio for my junior year, I trembled at the uncertain path ahead of me. A girl coming from an unknown, isolated state was to join a large city that was doted by opportunities. Would I make friends, and what if I did not fit in? Nevertheless, I learned to laugh at uncertainty, daring myself to pluck opportunities from the plethora available to me in Ohio. I joined the Debate Team, the ZooTeen program, and the Obama campaign.

Then the garage comes into sight, but He is as elusive as the Cheshire cat and more mischievous than Tom Sawyer. He needlessly complicates me with a pile of snow to shovel before I can pull the car out of the garage. Grabbing a shovel, I grit my teeth to work little by little against this challenge. The hard work rewards me with a cleared path and warmth.

In North Dakota, I worked on a National History Day documentary about women homesteaders in the Midwest. Often, I poured over books and pictures at the Bismarck Historical Society, gathering little by little information for my research. Finding information obscured by decades of history was a challenge that needed many discussions and interviews with professors at the local university, but the opportunity to go to Nationals was worth all the hard work.

Next, I insert the car key and a low rumble fills the air. I hear Him nearby, playing with a piece of paper, flapping it up and down to synchronize with the music of the idling car. In the mirror, I see where we rubbed noses, a bright red area. When I run my hand through my hair, I marvel at the gift of nature that He has bestowed me: strands of sparkling ice strung through my hair.

North Dakota is beautiful, but it is also rough, spacious, and wild. On an optional Enrichment field trip, I joined a group to watch grouse perform their courtship dances. In our observation shed, the air was still, caught in a breathless excitement as we watched the rapid patter of feet in the synchronized dance. In Ohio, I only smile at the enlightened Ohio socialite who gives me her pity when she hears that I am from North Dakota: "You poor thing!" No tickets in the world could have bought the performances of nature that I have marveled at.

His presence in my two years in North Dakota has shaped and molded my character into one that I tout today. The friend to whom I refer to is the mighty风神 (Feng Shen), the Chinese God of Wind.

Undergraduate / Intern for Barack Obama's campaign ; EXTRACURRICULAR [2]

Hi,

I was wondering if my short answer is sufficient for the prompt. With the common application, should I spend less words trying to sound creative and focus more on describing what I actually DO instead? or should I stick with the more creative introduction and give vague references to my responsibilities? When I read through this, I feel that the transition between the intro and the activity is a little bumpy, so any recommendations for smoothing the transition of ideas will be much appreciated! Thanks so much!

-Eug

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Where is my ability to freeze time so that I can turn eighteen, while the world crystallizes in this moment? It is filed beside my "Hilary for President" pins, alongside my other ended hopes. Yet, instead of dwelling on this disappointment, I grab for newer opportunities. By becoming an intern for Barack Obama's campaign I have lifted the bell jar between simulated experiences and real life. No longer does my interest for politics fall into the dead-end ears of debate judges, but into the real minds of voters. For this unprecedented moment I persuade, train, and lead voters. A twenty-minute conversation with an undecided Vietnam War veteran pivots from his cucumber garden to the economy, and then from health care to social security. When I hang up, I will have contributed to history, even if I do not have superpowers to allow me to vote this election year.