Hello!
I would appreciate if someone could please look over this. I started a thread a while ago about an essay on North Dakota, but after setting that essay aside for a while, I agree that it is really confusing. I chose another prompt, but still tried to present a contrast with North Dakota and Ohio. Can someone please read it over and offer some suggestions?
Thanks for all you do (and I can't believe you guys do this for free, too)
Eugeniette
Prompt:"Other:"
"X is a small, residential college with a diverse population. Share with us an experience that illustrates what it means to you to join a multicultural community in which you are living with people from many different backgrounds."
The wind blew me from rural North Dakota right into busy Ohio in the midst of my high school experience. I did not know much about Ohio then, but I harbored secret hopes and expectations for the state. I hoped that it would be a place with lots of people, with milder winters, and a place with more excitement than bucolic North Dakota. Most of all, I hoped that Ohio would accept me, an Asian American girl from the middle of nowhere.
Prior to Ohio, I was accustomed to being the only racial minority everywhere I went. In North Dakota, I was one of twenty Asian Americans in my school. Oftentimes, the teachers and students would mix my name up with the name of another girl's-- because we were both Asian, they explained, thus little physical differences existed between us. While in North Dakota, I learned a lot about the Scandinavian culture and history, but the exchange was rather one-sided. To me, a multicultural community is one where there is a constant exchange with other people about my background while I learn about theirs. When I joined Ohio, I hoped that I would find people similar to myself, ready to listen and learn.
I found this attitude in one of my favorite times of the day: my ninth hour study hall. It is located in the loud lunchroom, bustling with conversations, discussions, and gossiping. I sit at the third table from the middle, where many of the AP Calculus students join to form a study table. One glance at our table demonstrates the multifarious environment that surrounds me: There are three Asians, an Indian, an Algerian, one Palestinian, and three whites. Most of the time we are studious, working hard on our homework and helping each other out; however, there are many moments when conversation digresses from derivatives to other divisions.
One time, our conversation developed from calculus to foreign languages when a person revealed that he could speak Mandarin Chinese. A typical fascination ensued, and a girl asked him to say something.
"Wo ai ni!" he tells her in jest. I love you!
My ears perk up at the familiar words, and I grin at him across the table, pushing my TI-84 and book aside. In North Dakota, I never heard Mandarin Chinese uttered beyond the confines of my home. The words that came out from my mouth that day were rusty and reluctant, protesting for me speak in familiar English because they did not like to be used unless I was talking in an Asian setting or with my family.
"Ni zhi dao ze me yan xie ba?" I challenged. Do you know how to write that?
"Dang ran a!" he said. Of course!
Not to be left out, the girl next to me taught the table how to say "I love you" in Arabic, and my mouth pronounced the even more unfamiliar words with amusement. Almost at once, variations of "I love you" became a chorus of languages as each person at the table offered their own version of the phrase. I heard in one study hall period the Mandarin, Cantonese, Hindi, French, Spanish, Arabic, and German translations of the phrase "I love you".
As the bell rang to indicate the end of the day (I did not finish my calculus homework,) the calculus study table learned seven ways of saying "I love you." Since that day, I have learned what it is like to have a multi-cultural group of people together, and the mutual learning and respect that exists in a diverse, intelligent group of people. Ohio has met all my expectations, and it has instilled in me a desire for more opportunities to listen to and learn from others.
Good afternoon.
This piece is much better; much more focused, and a much better answer to the prompt. The only thing here is that you switch from past to present tense; choose one tense and stay there for the whole piece. You are in past until you begin to tell the actual story of the study hall; then you switch to present, and it is confusing.
Other than that, a fantastic essay! Great work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you so much for your quick response! I will go fix that.
Also, somehow this sentence seems wrong to me; am I missing a "had" in my sentence? or am I wrong? (I inserted it in italic) :
"I did not know much about Ohio then, but I hadharbored secret hopes and expectations for the state. I hoped that it would be a place with lots of people, with milder winters, and a place with more excitement than bucolic North Dakota. Most of all, I hoped that Ohio would accept me, an Asian American girl from the middle of nowhere."
And would this sentence require me to change the gerunds into past tense? (I go by ear when it comes to grammar and it sounds good to me, but I don't know the rules very well.) :
"My ears perked up at the familiar words, and I grinned at him across the table, pushing my TI-84 and book aside. "
