Undergraduate / CONTROL OVER BEHAVIOUR; Stanford Intellectual Vitality [3]

Thanks! I'll certainly take that into consideration. Any other suggestions?

Undergraduate / A Chinese proverb / Favorite place - admission essay to boarding school [9]

Piano Essay for Boarding school final draft

Every time I visit, I am overtaken with admiration of the expansive landscape. The auburn canyon is home to hundreds of corrugated vines that stretch from wall to wall. The off-white valley floor is evenly lined with peaks of gleaming obsidian, and years of tireless weathering have only given the site more character. Though I have ventured to this place many times, each experience is as novel as the first. What is this mysterious wonder of the world, you may ask? My 1918 Baldwin Monarch Baby Grand piano.

This network of keys, hammers, and strings is capable of producing a broad spectrum of sounds. The higher register, used mainly for ornamentation, emits trickle-like sounds when touched. The lower notes, conversely, boom thunderously. The notes in between, the middle register, is where most playing is done; the full, warm timbre makes for enticing melodies. These diverse elements contribute to the versatility of the piano. However, this instrument is more than just a mechanism for sound production.

The piano serves as a personal therapist. With the familiar creak of the aged mahogany bench, we begin a conversation. Everything that has been on my mind-- frustration, sadness, or excitement-- is channeled through my fingertips, and onto the keys. Without delay, the soundboard articulates a sympathetic response. No matter how hard I beat the keys, they rise back up, willing to continue the dialogue. In this way, the piano is the ultimate tool for coping.

I once suffered a loss of a childhood friend. For days after the death, overwhelming depression and despair confined me to my bed. In an attempt to avert my focus from this tragedy, I retreated to the piano. Without restraint, my bottled emotions poured through me and onto the instrument. My fingers mercilessly pounded the ivory into the instrument's shell until my arms were shaking from fatigue. The strings shrieked back at me, emulating my aggravation. However, as my nerves calmed, the dissonant music softened into a cohesive, therapeutic soundscape. As I composed myself, I was also composing music. Though the pain of the loss has never subsided, it was certainly eased when I brought it to the piano.

After each exchange, the piano grows closer to my heart. It is a tool for self discovery, an outlet for creativity, and the one place that I truly feel at home.

Any ideas for another sentence or two for the conclusion?
Any other suggestions are welcome :] Thanks!

Undergraduate / A Chinese proverb / Favorite place - admission essay to boarding school [9]

Absolutely! I like the way you think.

I'll definitely flip those paragraphs, as the personal paragraphs will be far more interesting.
Thanks for all of your help, you've made this far much more easy to tackle. I'll probably post the first draft on this thread in the next couple of days, I'd love your input once I'm done!

Undergraduate / A Chinese proverb / Favorite place - admission essay to boarding school [9]

I might try your first idea if it were for a different purpose, but it says "write about ONE of the following" ;) sorry for not posting that part before.

So I've chosen to write about the 2nd prompt. I have plenty to say about the experience of being at the piano, but I don't know an appropriate way to organize my thoughts. How do you think this outline would do?

I. Introduction
I'll use imagery that hints at a piano, but doesn't make it explicit until the last line.
II. Body
A. My familiarity with the piano, how it as been a part of my life since birth, maybe including an anecdote
B. Versatility of the piano across genres and musical settings
C. I don't know...maybe I'll stick with 2 unless I can come up with something else
III. Conclusion
Switch back to the imagery of intro, but shorter and less elaborate.

Research Papers / I need a thesis for technology and how it has changed the way people learn [6]

in response to Jennifer Zhang's disadvantages:

no face-to-face communication with teachers- programs like skype can connect you face-to-face with teachers from around the world that you otherwise wouldn't have met.

only a delivery of knowledge but no methods- simply untrue, any delivery of knowledge has a method to it. check out the khan academy, or similar youtube schools

impair eyesight- yes, I guess you've got me there. print out your materials if necessary.

no experience of collaboration with other students- what are we doing on this forum?

OP, use these common misconceptions to construct some great arguments in your paper.

Undergraduate / Technology and computers educational goals - my college transfer paper [3]

Technology has always been a big part of life since I was a child . Introduce this next fact with with a sentence similar to "That was where my love from technology stems from" My grandfather was an engineer who worked on countless technology products. I was always very intrigued to see him work and also learn from him.

Revise to make more eloquent: He sat down and we would work on projects together. That was where my love from technology stems from .

Merge next two sentences, get rid of high school's name, it is irrelevant. I attended Somerville High School which had vocational programs. One particular curriculum it had was Computer Repair.

BULKY sentence, feel free to be less specific in order to improve brevity. From that curriculum I developed skills such as Installing, configuring and upgrading PCs, laptops and related equipment , Diagnosing and troubleshooting both common and unusual hardware and software problems, performing preventive maintenance on PC's equipment and also Maintaining locally connected and networked printers and adding necessary peripheral equipment.

After I had finished high school(,) I decided to further(ed) my education in technology by attending (at) Benjamin Franklin Institute of Technology. You switched tenses, [decided to is]. I'd suggest merging this sentence with either the previous or next sentence. My major is Computer Technology.

This sentence is very odd, I'm not going to try to edit it, just replace it.
Benjamin Franklin Institute helped me better grasp more information about technology, whether it is the software side or the hardware side of it.

Now that I am almost than with Benjamin Franklin Institute, I still want to learn more as technology is always changing. I am interested in applying to your school because of the academic reputation that your school sustains.

Instead, try: "Though the institute gave me a strong fundamental understanding of technology, I understand that my field of interest is continuously growing. For this reason, I am interested in furthering my studies at your school."

The rigorous curriculum and well known information technology department is vital piece to what I want to accomplish academically and also in my future. With acquired knowledge I would be confident I can do something good in my life and society. If I am accepted into your school I will do my absolute best to apply myself and achieve success in order to do well in life!

To be honest, your essay doesn't answer the question. If I were you, I'd go into detail about the specific skills that you've learned that will help you achieve a specific career goal. Choose a dream job, even if you haven't made up your mind, and show how your education is all in preparation for that position.

Scholarship / My passion for Computer Science (to do research abroad in third world countries) [4]

Now, pursuing an Electrical and Computer Science degree, I hope to do research abroad in third world countries to help modify technology in hospitals, which would revolutionize there their health care systems.