Can anyone please help me edit my essay. I don't think it's good enough and I'm not very good at editing my own papers.
Why do you think you want to study computer science? What has drawn you to the field? What do you hope to accomplish with a computer science degree? Your response might include courses you took, projects you worked on, events you attended, or some other way you got to find out what computer science is and why it's right for you.
"You see this phone here? Well, it's actually a microscope" were the first words that attracted my interests as I received a presentation from the Nano-Photonics department at UCLA. It was with this presentation that I became interested in Computer Science. Although computer science is defined as "the science that deals with the theory and methods of processing information in digital computers", I see it in a different perspective (Dictionary.com). To me, computer science offers an invigorating experience beyond just processing information, because it allows me to challenge my analytical abilities and help positively revolutionize society.
Accepted into the UCLA High School Summer Research Program, I conducted research in the Electrical Engineering department, where I simulated three ant colony algorithms to find the optimal path planning solution. Nevertheless, with this experience I was drawn into the realm of programming where I discovered a world with no boundaries, challenging my mathematical abilities, having many possibilities of solving an algorithm. I felt as if I were the adventurer searching for the missing treasure hidden in the algorithm and, once found, revelaing itself in a breathtaking masterpiece. Despite my passion for programming, I was unsure if I wanted a career in the field, but as the Nano-Photonics department, specializing in CS and EE, explained how they integrated there studies with Medicine to modify a cell phone to operate as a microscope, I was intrigued by this concept. Therefore, understanding that Computer Science helps society in not only providing the easiest way to fulfill our daily routines, but can help save a life by creating the necessary machines to help cure illnesses.
Now, pursuing an Electrical and Computer Science degree, I hope to do research abroad in third world countries to help modify technology in hospitals, which would revolutionize there health care system.
Thank you!
I think this is good.. the first line captured my interest
i might change this line though
Accepted into the UCLA High School Summer Research Program, I conducted research in the Electrical Engineering department, where I simulated three ant colony algorithms to find the optimal path planning solution.
to
I conducted research in the Electrical Engineering department after being accepted into the UCLA High School Summer Research Program, where I simulated three ant colony algorithms to find the optimal path planning solution.
Put the citation right after the quote:
Although computer science is defined as, "the science that deals with the theory and methods of processing information in digital computers" (Dictionary.com), I see it from a different perspective. --------Also, I changed in to from.
Despite my passion for programming, I was unsure if I wanted a career in the field -- but when the Nano-Photonics department specializing in CS and EE explained how they integrated there studies with Medicine to modify a cell phone to operate as a microscope, I was intrigued by this concept. ----------I added a dash to help manage the long sentence.
This is so great!! You will be well-received.
:-)
Now, pursuing an Electrical and Computer Science degree, I hope to do research abroad in third world countries to help modify technology in hospitals, which would revolutionize there their health care systems.
