Posts by MidnightSkies50

MidnightSkies50

Oct 7, 2011

Undergraduate / UCF (the mosquito) obstacle and (somewhat-close to home) why did you apply [4]

Thank you so much! I wasn't sure if the mosquito angology would work or even make sense in my first essay, so thanks for telling me that it does! :)

MidnightSkies50

Oct 6, 2011

Undergraduate / UCF (the mosquito) obstacle and (somewhat-close to home) why did you apply [4]

I rewrote my other essay and again would appreciate anyone that helps me! Is the first one cheesy? Or does it make sense? Anything will help me. Thank you.

If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances. It should different. But it doesn't. Grief hovers around me like an annoying mosquito and just like a mosquito I can bat it away and continue with life just content to ignore it...only this mosquito is much bigger to bat away.

The day hadn't been bad-if anything it was one of the better days of the whole month...or it was until I came home. My mother was just shaking her head back and forth like an unsteady pendulum, denial already long set in her about her father's death. I could relate. We hadn't thought he go so quickly. Now the grief and uncertainty of everything caused my stomach to feel as if it was right in the back of my throat.

I didn't cry though when I first was told or even long after that. I wasn't a big crier; it took a lot to me break down. Or well until my grandpa's funeral, when my mom was tucking him one final time with a warm coffee-colored blanket that she knitted herself though I knew it was not for this purpose and that caused my heart to clench even more painfully.

I broke. I don't know why. The site of my mom placing the blanket so tenderly was like flipping a switch in my brain, with a bright red neon sign flashing "HE'S NOT COMING BACK."

I could no longer ignore the mosquito, and now I had been bitten.

Why did you choose to apply to UCF? Where will I go? How far will it be? Is the academic I want to major in good? These questions (and more) plagued my mind and haunted me when deciding where I should apply.

I want a place where I still can be-somewhat-close to home, but still experiencing the "real world" on my own. I don't want a college sorely focused on sports or a party college or the majority of people are separated into cliques like high school with all of its petty drama.

Basically, I want a great school that will have school spirit but will not take up the entire agenda. I want a school that has diversity and embraces differences.

All in all, I wish to go to UCF.
UCF seems to be a good place to go where there can be socialization but also focused on academics as well.
Don't get me wrong I love school spirit, but that's not why I'm going to college. I'm going to college to learn and get a degree from a respected and prestigious college. I want to go places in my life.

And UCF will offer me that.

MidnightSkies50

Oct 5, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My family and my qualities' - application for UCF? [5]

Your welcome :)
Well I would remove the stress sentence and how you think it affects people, because it's kinda random and doesn't flow with the essay. As for the calculus example I would maybe add "for example" or "one particulry hard class I had such as..." as I said before just having "as a result I would probably be terrible in calculus" sound like calculus was the only class your family had to push you to study or to help you with because it is singular but still I would maybe make your example longer too maybe show how your family's influence and making you study improved your grade-Did they help you directly or did they just cheer you on and be a moral support? In short make it personal, let them see your family how you see them, if that makes any sense.

"Do not get me wrong I do study just not enough for me to overload and tire out my brain. Another quality I am happy to possess is my ability to always be optimistic about anything that can cause undue stress; such as, final exams, the SAT and college applications."

I would replace the things that sound like you were boasting with expanding on this sentence like for instance do you have an ancedote about how you didn't stress for a test or college applications? You are trying to highlight your strengths, but not to sound like your boasting, this is also your only chance too really telll them about you and how you are different from every other applicant and you want them to feel something while reading your essays- kinda like reading a book if it's boring or impersonal you really don't want to read it and its not memorable. Basically I'm trying to say while your essay does have a good start, it becomes more impersonal as it progresses.

I would also maybe use more power verbs like you did in your first essay-nagging, breathing down my back , etc.- these are good literay devices and show your creativity. :)

MidnightSkies50

Oct 4, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My family and my qualities' - application for UCF? [5]

without them breathing down my backs I might become lazy in my studies

I would change this to "might have" because going to college is about being on independent and doing things on your own and saying might (meaning in present tense) may show that your parents are still going to have to forcing you to do your studies.

as a result I would probably be terrible in calculus, which I am not

This is a good example but I would maybe change your wording on "which I am not" it sounds awkward to me and is calculus the only class you needed to study for, because to me it conveys that calculus was the only class that you had to study for.

In their opinion studying from school end to twilight

Why twilight? Saying "late into the night" or something that connects to study late into the evening might be better since you want to seem creative :) and saying twilight is just odd since it really isn't that late into the evening.

The fact is I do not study for more than two hours every day and yet I still do well; this is because I am able to absorb anything studied in class and remember then till an exam .

This seems really conceited =/ first of all,you would not want to put that you study less than two hours a day, earlier you called yourself a "nerd" I don't know about you but the word nerd makes me thinking of studying all the time, not less than two hours, even if it was every day. Second, saying that you aable to absorb anything studied in class and remember then till an exam is horrible because it seems as if you're going to continue this habit in college, trust me you're not! I'm not in college yet either, but I know that it's not possible to study only once and remember it until you have an exam.

I feel that stress can cause people to be more agitated and then do badly because they do not have the right mind set.

Okay honestly but who cares about other people? This essay is about you and saying this just makes you seem like you are placing yourself above other people because they have stress when in reality everbody stresses about things at times and this includes you, and not only that but who are you to say about whether a person's mindset is right or wrong?

I'm not trying to seem harsh, but if I'm your age and thinking this, imagine what the people at UCF reading this essay are going to think. Overall your essays are good; you just might need to change a few things :) Hope I helped and hope you get in.

MidnightSkies50

Oct 3, 2011

Undergraduate / I love school spirit, but that's not why I'm going to college - why apply to UCF? [3]

Thanks so much for the advice! I decided to just scrap it and rewrite my essays over again, your reply actuallly caused me to look back at what I had and realize that it wasn't what I wanted, so thank you again. :)

MidnightSkies50

Sep 8, 2011

Undergraduate / I love school spirit, but that's not why I'm going to college - why apply to UCF? [3]

If someone will please help me with my essay, I will forever greatful =) I really want to get into UCF, so thank you

In the past few years, worries and dreadful anxiety has plagued me about the location and academic program of colleges. I want a place where I still can be-somewhat-close to home, but still experiencing the "real world" on my own. I don't want a college sorely focused on sports. I don't want a party college. I don't want a college that the majority of people are separated into cliques like high school with all of its petty drama.

Basically, I want a great school that will have great school spirit but will not take up the entire agenda. I want a school that has diversity and embraces differences.

All in all, I wish to go to UCF.
Let me share some info on why I want to go a college like UCF. I have never smoked (or drank). Honestly, I have never done anything even remotely illegal. UCF seems to be a good place to go where there can be socialization but also focused on academics as well.

Don't get me wrong I love school spirit, but that's not why I'm going to college. I'm going to college to learn and get a degree from a respected and prestigious college. I want to go places in my life.

And UCF will offer me that.