chocopix
Jun 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / College/University should be free for ALL determined and qualifying students. [7]
Okay so here's the rough draft:
[INTRODUCTION] College is an investment in your future. With more college graduates, the better the world today will be. So the state of California should pay for all students that want and qualify to attend college. California, as well as many other states, has a constitution that requires that state universities be free of tuition for residents of the state. The constitution worked well until 1965, universities began creating "fees". These "fees" rises commonly up to five or even fifteen percent in a single year. Imagine taking four years of college, paying ten thousand the first year and the devil the next if it rises up by fifteen the next. The cost for college looks like your social security numbers, nine digits. Because of this, students make decisions about their futures accordingly, fewer jobs are being filled and undiscovered talents remain a secret.
[SUPPORTING DETAIL ONE] Sticker shock and debt aversion drive away many students who might be able to take advantage of financial aid. The families that cannot afford college for their children that are very smart and would like to go to college but they are not able to. Studies have shown that lower-income families have children that know that college is too costly as often as in the grade eight and make their path for the future accordingly.
[SUPPORTING DETAIL TWO] A modern country needs highly skilled graduates of all kinds. Not just skills that attracts employers but the creative new knowledge of the next graduating classes in college that will be a tremendous resource to the society as a whole. To allow as many people as possible to develop to their full potential and to develop the country, we need to make third level education available to all. Restricting access to the elite will have detrimental effects on the society and the economy.
[SUPPORTING DETAIL THREE] There are many students that are so smart, and they would like to go to college. However, they are not able to because of the cost. For example, Washington Post says that "there is a girl called Danielle Price with 3.3 grade point average and a 1700 SAT score, she has done better than many of her classmate. Of course, getting into college won't be a problem. Paying for it will." There are many other cases, education is expensive and causes so much stress.
[COUNTERCLAIM] If colleges were free, then the state would have to pay for all the incoming students. That would result in higher taxes, very costly for sure. And note that not everyone wants to go to a third level of education. Paying for higher education is a tax burden that the American public cannot afford especially with the economical crisis in America. But without a college degree, many young people become trapped in low paying jobs. The average college graduate earns almost twice the pay of a high-school graduate. Within a few years after you graduate college with your degree, you can easily pay off the debt.
[CONCLUSION] Funded education is an absolute necessity for every next generation. Shock and debt aversion drive away many students who might be able to take advantage of financial aid. A modern country needs highly skilled graduates of all kinds. And there are many students that are so smart, and they would like to go to college. However, they are not able to because of the cost. So I believe that the state of California should pay for a third level of education for qualifying and wanting students. If we don't have an education, we won't get a good job. If we won't get a job, we won't earn enough money, if we won't earn money, we won't be able to have an amazing future. And I want to have an amazing future.
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I was told that my second paragraph needs some quotes from students that are experiencing the same problems about financial issues. So I will soon interview a few students in college, attending college, or that have just recently graduated from college. As for my grammar and sentence structures, well, I am not confident in those areas so I would really appreciate any grammar corrections.
Okay so here's the rough draft:
[INTRODUCTION] College is an investment in your future. With more college graduates, the better the world today will be. So the state of California should pay for all students that want and qualify to attend college. California, as well as many other states, has a constitution that requires that state universities be free of tuition for residents of the state. The constitution worked well until 1965, universities began creating "fees". These "fees" rises commonly up to five or even fifteen percent in a single year. Imagine taking four years of college, paying ten thousand the first year and the devil the next if it rises up by fifteen the next. The cost for college looks like your social security numbers, nine digits. Because of this, students make decisions about their futures accordingly, fewer jobs are being filled and undiscovered talents remain a secret.
[SUPPORTING DETAIL ONE] Sticker shock and debt aversion drive away many students who might be able to take advantage of financial aid. The families that cannot afford college for their children that are very smart and would like to go to college but they are not able to. Studies have shown that lower-income families have children that know that college is too costly as often as in the grade eight and make their path for the future accordingly.
[SUPPORTING DETAIL TWO] A modern country needs highly skilled graduates of all kinds. Not just skills that attracts employers but the creative new knowledge of the next graduating classes in college that will be a tremendous resource to the society as a whole. To allow as many people as possible to develop to their full potential and to develop the country, we need to make third level education available to all. Restricting access to the elite will have detrimental effects on the society and the economy.
[SUPPORTING DETAIL THREE] There are many students that are so smart, and they would like to go to college. However, they are not able to because of the cost. For example, Washington Post says that "there is a girl called Danielle Price with 3.3 grade point average and a 1700 SAT score, she has done better than many of her classmate. Of course, getting into college won't be a problem. Paying for it will." There are many other cases, education is expensive and causes so much stress.
[COUNTERCLAIM] If colleges were free, then the state would have to pay for all the incoming students. That would result in higher taxes, very costly for sure. And note that not everyone wants to go to a third level of education. Paying for higher education is a tax burden that the American public cannot afford especially with the economical crisis in America. But without a college degree, many young people become trapped in low paying jobs. The average college graduate earns almost twice the pay of a high-school graduate. Within a few years after you graduate college with your degree, you can easily pay off the debt.
[CONCLUSION] Funded education is an absolute necessity for every next generation. Shock and debt aversion drive away many students who might be able to take advantage of financial aid. A modern country needs highly skilled graduates of all kinds. And there are many students that are so smart, and they would like to go to college. However, they are not able to because of the cost. So I believe that the state of California should pay for a third level of education for qualifying and wanting students. If we don't have an education, we won't get a good job. If we won't get a job, we won't earn enough money, if we won't earn money, we won't be able to have an amazing future. And I want to have an amazing future.
-------------
I was told that my second paragraph needs some quotes from students that are experiencing the same problems about financial issues. So I will soon interview a few students in college, attending college, or that have just recently graduated from college. As for my grammar and sentence structures, well, I am not confident in those areas so I would really appreciate any grammar corrections.
