MEquestrian
Jul 2, 2011
Undergraduate / University of Iowa app-" A stroke has many morals on life" [2]
Get rid of 'on' in the first sentence-- it's unnecessary and sounds a little awkward.
The first dialogue along with the uncapitalized 'she' make it seem as though your grandmother interrupted you with the "Hello, how are..." section. Capitalize 's' in 'she' and perhaps even move it to another paragraph?
Galina's first line seems a little anti-dramatic-- try and make it sound more urgent (although... don't abuse exclamation points).
"When I arrived, I was shocked to see my usually [try typically or normally, usually sounds a tad awkward] vibrant grandfather in the [I would insert a descriptive word here and get rid of the double "in" you have. Maybe terrible, something along those lines] state of health [he was in]."
"[When] we tried to talk to him, he could not even understand us; his eyes also showed [revealed?] a [sense of] abnormality."
With this sentence, "sense of" does not sound quite right. I know there's another phrase for it, and I'm hoping another user might be able to supply it whereas it's escaping me at the moment.
Replace "rushed" with another word-- you have it two or three sentences earlier.
Replace "got there" with "arrived"?
You re-used speechless--woops! Change the one in either this paragraph or the former to a synonym or a similar phrase. (:
The sentence "I went home...often" is very repetitive-- it seems as though you're having trouble settling on one word to describe it. 'knowing the fact' for example. Also, try: "my grandmother had always insisted that I visit Alfred more often."
Careful about re-using 'always'-- they're not always necessary, so cut them out of a couple sentences and use your best judgment on which ones. Also remember to use the double-hyphen for a dash. "...Ukraine-- his home city."
"...whether my grandfather would be the same man as [before?]; would he remember me?"
"...my potential and what I was capable of."
"...perform at my best..." Also, I suggest choosing one or the other 'due to'. We know your worries were the cause of the depression/appetite loss, so I think it's safe to remove "due to my worries... etc".
If you want to sound a little fancier, you could use "As freshman year drew to a close, Alfred noticeably recovered." Obviously it's just a thought and a little wordier.
"One day, I decided to visit him to see how he was doing. When I arrived, he said nothing, only looked at me with tears in his eyes before patting me on the back." Just a couple twists of words. Watch out for small errors-- the single hyphen in the sentence, the double-period at the end. Also, try not to over-use 'and'.
""Thank you," he said. I [just] nodded. He asked me how school was going, but I couldn't seem to let out a murmur."
""I know you have the potential-- do it for me.""
I can do the rest later if you like. Mind giving mine a look-over?
Please disregard where I mention Cornell by name, it was a mistake I made in my first rough draft and I can't fix it on here. Thanks!
Get rid of 'on' in the first sentence-- it's unnecessary and sounds a little awkward.
The first dialogue along with the uncapitalized 'she' make it seem as though your grandmother interrupted you with the "Hello, how are..." section. Capitalize 's' in 'she' and perhaps even move it to another paragraph?
Galina's first line seems a little anti-dramatic-- try and make it sound more urgent (although... don't abuse exclamation points).
"When I arrived, I was shocked to see my usually [try typically or normally, usually sounds a tad awkward] vibrant grandfather in the [I would insert a descriptive word here and get rid of the double "in" you have. Maybe terrible, something along those lines] state of health [he was in]."
"[When] we tried to talk to him, he could not even understand us; his eyes also showed [revealed?] a [sense of] abnormality."
With this sentence, "sense of" does not sound quite right. I know there's another phrase for it, and I'm hoping another user might be able to supply it whereas it's escaping me at the moment.
Replace "rushed" with another word-- you have it two or three sentences earlier.
Replace "got there" with "arrived"?
You re-used speechless--woops! Change the one in either this paragraph or the former to a synonym or a similar phrase. (:
The sentence "I went home...often" is very repetitive-- it seems as though you're having trouble settling on one word to describe it. 'knowing the fact' for example. Also, try: "my grandmother had always insisted that I visit Alfred more often."
Careful about re-using 'always'-- they're not always necessary, so cut them out of a couple sentences and use your best judgment on which ones. Also remember to use the double-hyphen for a dash. "...Ukraine-- his home city."
"...whether my grandfather would be the same man as [before?]; would he remember me?"
"...my potential and what I was capable of."
"...perform at my best..." Also, I suggest choosing one or the other 'due to'. We know your worries were the cause of the depression/appetite loss, so I think it's safe to remove "due to my worries... etc".
If you want to sound a little fancier, you could use "As freshman year drew to a close, Alfred noticeably recovered." Obviously it's just a thought and a little wordier.
"One day, I decided to visit him to see how he was doing. When I arrived, he said nothing, only looked at me with tears in his eyes before patting me on the back." Just a couple twists of words. Watch out for small errors-- the single hyphen in the sentence, the double-period at the end. Also, try not to over-use 'and'.
""Thank you," he said. I [just] nodded. He asked me how school was going, but I couldn't seem to let out a murmur."
""I know you have the potential-- do it for me.""
I can do the rest later if you like. Mind giving mine a look-over?
Please disregard where I mention Cornell by name, it was a mistake I made in my first rough draft and I can't fix it on here. Thanks!
