Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: indigenous tribes may have disappeared forever [6]

Question: The numbers of indigenous people living traditional lives in the world are becoming fewer and fewer. Within a few decades the last of these indigenous tribes may have disappeared forever. What are the causes of this problem and what can be done to prevent it from happening?

Essay:
The cultural diversity makes our world more beautiful and colorful. However, we are facing a rapid decline of indigenous people in America, Asia and Africa. Some measures should be taken in order to protect these people and help them have a better life.

There are two main reasons lead indigenous tribes may have disappeared forever. The first reason I want to mention is the lack of knowledge. Although the technique and science change people life more comfortable and convenient, indigenous people still live widely in natural environment such as in a small islands, caves, rainforest, and little do they have contact with other society. The food is more and more scarcity and a lot of disease threat them everyday. They can not find enough food and also can not treat serious illness. Hence, the number of distinct people decreases quickly.

Another cause of this problem is the encroachment of modern people. They need more natural resources, more land to meet the demand of living and production. In history, the expansion and colonialism from European and American affected a lot in indigenous life. They became slaves and worked for invaders. Nowadays, modern people still build factories, houses in the region of ethnic groups and change the life way of local people.

In order to solve the disappear of indigenous people, government and international organizations need to protect the collective rights of indigenous peoples to their culture, identity, language, health, education and natural resources. Government should create laws to protect ethnic region and send volunteers to provide medicine, food and teach them basic knowledge. Members of Indigenous communities should be encouraged in special programs such as transmission of knowledge and skills across age group, cultural exchange among different Indigenous communities and between Indigenous and non-Indigenous cultures. These programs will help them increase their awareness about their society.

In conclusion, cultural diversity is one of the strongest components to a healthy world. Therefore, the heritage cultures of ethnic groups need to be protected from all of us.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- : favorite pastime of people in different countries [3]

Please give me some suggestion about grammar, structure in my post. Thank you so much :D
The table below give information about Favorite Pastimes in different countries.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.
From 30 - 50 years old
TV Sport Reading Hobbies Music Beach Sleep
Canada 60 22 15 40 3 0 2
France / / 30 20 4 / /
England / / 30 21 4 / 20
Australia 65 30 15 45 5 30 4
Korea 22 21 60 45 2 2 4
China 15 25 60 50 0 5 5
USA 60 23 15 42 23 30 2
Japan / / 62 / / / /

This table shows and compares favorite pastime of people from 30 to 50 years old in eight different countries. It is clear that TV, reading and hobbies are the most popular activities that people want to do in free time.

In North America and Australia, people like watching TV, 60% people consider TV as a main preferable one. One third of people in Australia and USA prefer going to beach, but no one in Canada want to do it. Sleeping is the least popular activity in this group.

In East Asia, two third of people love reading, it is three times as much as in North America and Australia. A half people in Korea and China like hobbies, however, they do not think listening music is a kind of entertainment in free time. People in Japan do not like to share what they do in their spare time accept reading.

Like Japan, people in Europe do not want to share too much about their favorite pastime activities. In two countries England and France, 30% and 4% people prefer reading and music, while one fifth like hobbies. Especially, English people enjoy sleeping the most with 20%.

In conclusion, people from different nations or continents like to do different favorite activities when they have free time. In general, people like doing something at home such as watching TV, reading... rather than outdoor activities.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Writing task 1: Pie Charts: Valentine's Day Gifts [2]

This is my second post, and I hope to give some feedback from all of you. Thank you so much and have a nice weekend.

Pie Charts: Valentine's Day Gifts

The graphs below show the types of gifts that men and women in the USA buy for each other on Valentine's Day.
There are links of pie charts:

admc.hct.ac.ae/hd1/english/graphs/pie_va1.gif
admc.hct.ac.ae/hd1/english/graphs/pie_va2.gif

The pie charts compare the types of gifts that men and women buy for each other on Valentine's Day. Overall, it is clearly seen that the most popular gifts in USA are card, flowers and candy.

The most common Valentine's gift is card with nearly one fifth of men and over one quarter of women purchase for it. Fair sex prefers offer candy to their lover, 21% of women compared with 14% of man. In contrast, 16% of strong sex prefers buy flowers to ladies, more than 5% of their counterparts. About a half of both men and women choose these three items as gifts in Valentine's Day.

Other gifts are jewelry, perfume, lingerie, personal care, and so on... In this group, the least popular gift that men buy for women is perfume (4%) and that women buy for men is personal care (1%). A quarter of men spent money in other items while 17% of women do so.

In conclusion, the trends of choosing gifts in Valentine's Day in both sexes are not much different. There are plenty of presents can be purchased, but card, flowers, and candy are the top three gifts.