Undergraduate / Princeton supplement (a favorite quotation from an essay or book) [4]

Honestly, I would come up with another topic and write a new essay. This essay says nothing about you except that you are non-white. And the whole "What the hell?" at the beginning as well as your rash accusations of racism make you sound crass and paranoid. I'm sure there are probably some fantastic essays written on this subject, however, you seem to have almost no basis for your accusations in this scenario nor did it seem like the experience brought any sort of dramatic change to your life.

Undergraduate / 'DNA and my future biological studies' - Cornell Arts and Science Supplement. [6]

I want to add something really quickly: this entire essay reeks of someone who has been picking words out of a thesaurus. It's pretty apparent that you are unaware of the connotations of many of those million-dollar words you picked out of some book. Though I'm guessing English may be your second language (since you are an international student), that is still no excuse for using words in an essay that you were previously unaware of, and then using them improperly. Though a thesaurus may lead you to believe that the multitude of apparently 'synonymous' words the English language offers are, without consequence, totally interchangeable, each is unique in some way. Here, I'll point out some of the more glaring examples:

"I will not be adamant to concede that much have been uncovered but I will certainly look at the present challenges, such as AIDS and the other myriad of genetic disorders and diseases, and conclude that all the investment is still inadequate." - You've somehow managed to use 'adamant,' 'concede,' 'myriad,' 'investment,' and 'inadequate,' all in one sentence. Not only does it make it sound like you're trying too hard, it also makes the sentence really convoluted, and, therefore, difficult to follow. It's not difficult to follow in the sense that anything you're saying is dense in content; it's because you've used so many of those words in improper ways. For instance: "I will not be adamant to concede that much have been uncovered," could have read as "I do not deny that there is much to learn about genetic defects..." which is a much simpler and more orthodox way to express what you were trying to say. Use words you know, write how you speak, and you will sound far more eloquent. Don't be afraid to let your own voice shine through. You don't have to hide behind an eighth-grade level vocabulary list. The admissions officers want to hear YOUR voice and how YOU think. This is only one example in the entire essay I've pointed out. So go back and revise EVERY word or phrase that is saturated with the use of large and improperly used words and replace them with words of which you actually know the meaning. Good luck. I respect the ambition and bravery that must have been required of you to decide to leave your home country in pursuit of a higher education.

Undergraduate / Penn why essay; I want to be a psychologist [5]

This essay is quite good, especially if English is your second language (I would assume so if you live in China). I have a couple minor suggestions. First, I would delete the last sentence about greeting people. I found it extremely awkward, plus the sentence before it already sounds like a good concluding sentence. And second (this is something I see a lot of around here) is that many people seem to think the past tense of 'learn' is 'learnt,' when it is, in fact, 'learned.' Well, in standard American-English it is, anyway. I do not know where people are getting this idea...

Undergraduate / I have earned more A's; About what I believe; Essay for Yale [9]

"Be more narrative rather than just stating."

While I generally agree with this statement, I have to say that I rather like the expository tone you took with this essay. By not hiding behind a story, the essay feels much more stripped down, and, therefore, personal. Turning it into a story would cheapen it, I think. Reading this, I feel that reader gets a really good sense of your voice. It's clear, honest, and headstrong. I do not suggest that you change the style.

What I do suggest to you is to attach this essay to the "additional documents" section in the common application, that way every college gets a chance to hear you explain yourself. Many colleges do not have room on their supplements to attach additional information, and this essay sounds important enough to your application that you should make sure every college gets a chance to hear it.

Undergraduate / I have earned more A's; About what I believe; Essay for Yale [9]

To be honest with you, Nikhil, I do not think you will be accepted to Yale, despite this essay. I have had a lot of experience with Ivy League admissions (I know dozens of people who have applied in the past, myself included), and I must say the competition is brutal. Unless you possess extraordinary talents outside the classroom or have had an utterly tragic upbringing, an essay will not make up for a sub-par GPA.

Regardless! I actually happen to have found this essay a pretty good read. It is very well organized, there are almost no grammatical errors and your sentence structure is very neat. Your voice is both likable and believable. It is unfortunate that you did not apply yourself in high school.

Nonetheless, even if you do not get into the undergraduate school of your choice, remember that many people's vocations nowadays have nothing to do with their undergraduate major. Do well in whatever undergraduate school you attend (don't get lazy!) and apply to Yale again when you graduate. Think of undergraduate school as a chance to redeem yourself! No matter where you go, if you do well, you will have a shot at getting into any grad school as long as you prove yourself in college. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

Ah, this is much better! Your content and the entire flow of the essay is now much more even and engaging. Good job.

There are still quite a few stylistic issues, though. My first and foremost advice is to read this essay to yourself about five to ten times right now and make any changes to your phrasing and sentence structure that you feel would improve the style. Then put it away for a day or two. Take it out again and read it several more times, continuing to make changes. After you feel you've done as much as you can regarding STYLE, show this essay to as many people as you can, particularly those who especially have a knack for writing and literature. I'll help you get started on improving the style by giving you some suggestions on how you can fix a few of your sentences and phrases..reading your version and the suggested corrections side by side, I think you'll gain a better awareness of style and structure.

First, I suggest deleting the entire first paragraph. If you read your whole essay over again, you will find it seems a bit unnecessary. The essay is a bit long as it is anyway. Just start the essay by saying: "The interviewer at the International Exchange Foundation, a program that invites students from around the world to study in America, warned me about the exchange students' tendencies to misbehave. I was initially excited to become their new counselor, but after hearing this warning, I became apprehensive." or something like that. Most of the content of the first paragraph seemed a bit irrelevant to the rest of the story.

"By locking me out of their rooms, they told me to scram." - Here, you've tacked an introductory clause onto an irrelevant statement. When you start with, "By locking me out of their rooms" you establish a cause, however the effect in the next statement: "they told me to scram," doesn't really relate. You've suggested that locking you out of their rooms was necessary for them to tell you to scram, which sounds a bit odd when you read it. I suggest: "They locked me out of their rooms and told me to scram." This is far simpler and clearer and eliminates the awkward "by" at the beginning of the sentence. Watch out for these kinds of mistakes because I think I caught a couple more similar to this in your essay.

"The realization of my interviewer's ominous words now came true." - Again, you have some disjointed word choice here. Here, you're actually saying your realization came true, not the interviewer's words, which again sounds a bit awkward and unclear. You should write: "I realized the interviewer's ominous warning came true."

"Despite the cantankerous students' remarks, I believed a good night sleep could cure their grumpy attitude." - 'Cantankerous' is a bit improper here. It's one of those words that stick out among the others because it's so rare and obscure. You maintain a fairly simplistic diction throughout the essay (which is good), so keep this sentence simple. I would just delete 'cantankerous' altogether because you mention that their 'grumpy attitude' in the same sentence. You don't need to describe the same disposition twice.

"Casual conversations that included the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, recreational shopping centers, and even my stories of an Asian-American teenager had attracted their attention." - I would honestly just say 'Olympic Games.' The 'Beijing 2008' just adds two more adjectives to an already wordy sentence. Plus you mention the Beijing 2008 thing a few sentences later in the essay. And instead of saying 'casual conversations that included,' try phrasing it in a way more how you speak. No one actually says that they've had 'casual conversation that included X, Y and Z.' Just say 'We discussed...' Again, it'll make the sentence far less wordy.

"Watching the students board their busses for their journey back home, I subconsciously realized that this was possibly the last time I would ever see them. As I cheerlessly waved good-bye to them, I heard these five precious words: "See you later Big Brother."" - I suggest: 'Watching the students board their buses for their journey back home, I realized this was probably the last time I would ever see them. As I cheerlessly waved good-bye, one of the students approached me. "See you later, Big Brother," she said, and they departed.

If you just read your essay over again repeatedly, you will catch a lot of these style issues. My comments are only suggestions, and don't cover everything, remember. Just keep your eye out and REVISE. Good luck, again. :)

Undergraduate / "Imagine a room" - CommonAPP essay [13]

Quack09,

Sorry, I don't really feel comfortable giving anonymous people my email address, but if you post your essay on this forum within the next couple days, I'll be glad to look at it :)

Undergraduate / "Imagine a room" - CommonAPP essay [13]

This essay has some major flaws. Firstly, why would someone have to 'imagine' this room and this person? You initially interact with the audience, but then do not acknowledge this interaction again in the essay. And why is it being told in third-person? If you look back at your essay, you will realize it doesn't really gain anything from being written in third-person. In fact, it actually distances yourself from the reader more, which is sort of antithetical to the goal of an application essay. Secondly, you clearly outline how you want to 'show' and not 'tell,' yet this entire essay was a sort of stream of consciousness in which you merely tell us about what you were thinking while attempting to write an essay. Third, you repeatedly tell us you are 'destined for greatness' and a 'non-conformist,' yet I see no examples of why this is so. You actually contradict the non-conformist bit with your brick-in-the-wall metaphor and place on the football team. Perhaps you mean 'cooperative' or 'team player' rather than 'non-conformist.' I also happen to find the phrase 'non-conformist' to be pretentious, which will be looked down on by admissions officers. Fourth, do not call yourself a 'mature human being' because you are not. A real adult reading this essay will find this arrogant. Fifth: 'The lessons he learnt in that very shirt, how achievements did not bring lasting happiness, friends did.' - this is an opinion (in truth, no one thing will bring you happiness). Many will find this statement to actually be quite immature, contrary to the statement you posit just a couple sentences later. And it's 'learned' not 'learnt.'

Finally, I would like to say that your style and structure is actually pretty good. Your essay is well organized and well-written. Besides a few exaggerated and awkward choices, your main problem, I think, is actually the whole 'telling' and not 'showing' thing. Good luck.

Undergraduate / sleek and stylish designs drew me in - Common App: Personal statement [3]

Your focus seems a bit scattered. The essay starts strong and conveys a clear message: your interest in technology, however starting with the phrase beginning "4:32 PM" and onward, it begins to lose direction. You suddenly switch to a more narrative voice and then begin narrating...what, exactly? I think you need to think about what message you are actually trying to get across, focusing more on your interest in technology and on events that convey that message clearly.

Undergraduate / Parkour, Short Answer- 150 Words> [13]

Oh, yes. I suggest that, in addition to filling out the rather tiny activities chart the common app offers, you attach your own activities list with more in-depth descriptions of your activities and awards. While this is not required, it can only help you to elaborate more greatly on your accomplishments. A good 3-4 sentences per activity should be sufficient.

Undergraduate / Parkour, Short Answer- 150 Words> [13]

okay sorry to kindof be spamming this thread, but I'm currently playing a lead role in a movie because of my parkour (as in, I star in an emerson college film in which i do parkour as a pursued/pursuing character). Should I include that?

I think it would be awesome to include that, however I think it's a matter of choice about where you want to stick it in your application. To put it into your short answer might be a bit difficult without shifting the entire focus of it in a new direction. It might also make it a bit long..

I would suggest putting it in your activities list. Colleges often allow you to be very liberal in your use of the "description" column. There, you can describe in a good paragraph how you got that role without taking the tone and focus away from your short answer.

Undergraduate / Parkour, Short Answer- 150 Words> [13]

I don't think any more explanation of Parkour is necessary. I had no idea what it was and I still kind of don't, however the importance of it is that it's not a very well-known sport and I think that that was clearly conveyed in your statement.

However, I didn't find it necessary to stick in "Traceurs" at the end. It's not too obvious to the reader that a Traceur is one who practices Parkour as the words don't seem too related, and really the last thing you need to do is tack another definition to the end of the statement. I'd suggest that you merely say "players of Parkour" and avoid having to teach the audience a new word.

Now, my friends and I train with the New England team, and the Brookline Parkour Community has gone from one member to almost thirty. Having trained longer and harder than most of the other members, I consider myself the best in Brookline

I honestly think it's a little tacky to outright tell the audience that you're the best Parkour player in Brookline. I know that admissions officers tell you not to hesitate about expounding upon your accomplishments, however is it not apparent to audience that you're the best player since you started the team and are training its members? So the statement comes across as being a bit insulting to our intelligence. Besides, the fact that you started and lead the team is more important than telling us how skilled you are at the sport.

At the time, Parkour was not a well known sport in Brookline; however I made the effort to encourage my friends to train with me. We taught each other and trained often. I would post flyers and make websites promoting our small group and encouraging newcomers to train with us to spread awareness of Parkour.

I would simply rewrite this as: "At the time, Parkour was not a well-known sport in Brookline. However, by encouraging my friends to train with me and later post flyers and make websites to promote our group, we helped spread awareness of the sport of Parkour." Though my version is still not perfect by any means, do you see how I cut out the redundant phrase "we taught each other and trained often," and then joined the sentences about your friends and making flyers? I think this keeps the flow and direction more clear (not to mention it should help cut down on your word count).

Besides those few minor details, I thought your essay was interesting and well-written. I think the admissions officers will appreciate your unusual topic as well. Good luck!

Undergraduate / the activites you mentioned - Short Answer Common App [2]

There is so much emphasis placed on kids getting involved in sports that people overlook the importance of the performing arts. Dance is something I can easily make a lifetime commitment to, while most sports are limited in their ability to have any long-term importance.

I kind of have a problem with this phrase. There are ways to stress how important your own passions are without attacking those of others. It honestly only makes you look bad.

Finding something to be passionate about is the greatest gift life can offer.

I would avoid making huge, generalized statements like this. The passage is supposed to be about you and dancing, not about the fact that you believe that one's "passion" is the greatest thing in the world to everyone. Many will disagree and will thus be put off by your essay from the start.

Lastly, I would heed EF_team's advice about your convoluted fourth sentence.