Undergraduate / "musical waters of Hindustani" - Gutsy/Unconventional Common App Essay [4]

Some very nice imagery here and a subject that is inherently interesting to the reader, simply by virtue of its exotic appeal. I would stay with this essay and tighten it up grammatically more judiciously using of adjectives and adverbs. More is not always better. . . Most of all, do not be afraid to personalize it even more; make it reflect YOU and your own journey, not just a discussion of what you did and how you changed, but create a tie-in to how you will use this well-illustrated diversity as an asset in college and beyond.

Undergraduate / "My Quest for the Perfect Reed.....and Acceptance" - common app [10]

Beautiful theme and nicely written. All it needs is some word-smithing. It has too many words, but some careful editing will preserve the integrity of this essay and you will lose nothing.

Obviously, to get down to the 500 words you need to cut anything that is extraneous. Make every word, every phrase count. Similarly, if you don't need it, ditch it! So, using your very words, but editing them, the first 2 paragraphs might look something like this:

'I have this friend. Sometimes I love her; sometimes I loathe her. She constantly defies my wishes. She can be loud and outspoken when I need quiet. Other times she's shy and indecisive when I want bravado. The only thing predictable is her mercurial personality. My oboe Bessie, is frustrating, high-maintenance, and often annoying. But I don't know what I would do without her.

Having such a capricious yet committed relationship with my oboe, while seemingly crazy, is arguably normal for oboists who usually have similar idiosyncrasies. The quintessential oboist dreads one thing most: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. We self-inflict even more pain by embarking on the futile quest for the "perfect reed." But the "perfect reed" is not nearly as elusive as teenager's pursuit of something else: acceptance.'

Writing Feedback / Why do we need to study other cultures? [5]

Your ideas are sincere and your sentiments are important. The essay, however, appears a bit formulaic and tailored to your anticipation of what you believe the reader wants to see. Why not inject a bit more of YOU into this? Distinguish yourself by using your sincerity, but applying it in an essay that employs fewer cliches and conveys more individuality. Your examples of cultural diversity are apt, but why not concentrate on one that is special to you and weave it as a thread throughout your essay.

Graduate / "Practicing medicine is a special privilege" - Medical Personal statement [7]

Nice content and the message is clear, but some of the language and grammar is distracting. This essay needs some fine-tuning to transform it into a distinctive, memorable piece. Focus on one theme and weave that thread through more of the essay in a way that responds to the topic while injecting some of your uniqueness into the exercise (maybe use the tulips or similar metaphors throughout.) The reader wants to know who you are and what distiguishes you from other candidates, without being hit in the face with an essay that resembles numerous others.

On a more technical note: be careful with your use of 1) passive vs. active phrases; 2) past, vs. present perfect tenses and; 3) your first person vs. third person usage. There are too many "I" sentences.